Now readers, if any of you are planning to try out this hot new ‘being gay’ thing that you’ve read about so much lately, don’t.
It’s just asking for trouble. Look at poor old Adam Lambert – just because he wanted to see what being gay was like by using his debut performance as a professional musician to try and stab a man’s eye out with his genitals and then attempt to perform a pioneering tongue-based tonsillectomy technique on male his keyboard player, ABC has banned him from a number of shows, including Jimmy Kimmel Live.
That’s right readers – if you turn gay, you won’t be allowed to sing bad Goldfrapp rip-offs to sweaty, nervous-looking fat men who aren’t very funny. That’s as bad as it gets!
There’s a sick discrimination at the heart of television when it comes to homosexuality. Look at the contrasting treatment of Meredith Baxter and Adam Lambert. Their stories are incredibly similar – Meredith Baxter came out by furtively holding a middle-aged lady’s hand on a lovely cruise, and Adam Lambert came out by skull-bonking a man during a song about graphic sadomasochism on live TV. There’s literally no difference between them whatsoever. And yet the treatment they’ve received at the hands of the media couldn’t be more different.
Meredith Baxter got a high-profile TV interview to discuss her lesbianism – but Adam Lambert? Nothing. In fact, less than nothing. ABC is actively banning him from as many of its shows as possible. It already scrubbed a scheduled Adam Lambert performance from Good Morning America, and now it looks like he’s been given the shove from Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. What next? Will he be banned from appearing on The View? Will Adam Lambert never get to film his cameo as Richard Alpert‘s life partner on Lost?
It’s a mess, but at least GLAAD still has Adam Lambert’s back, right Los Angeles Times?
“It would appear that the kiss between Adam Lambert and his keyboardist did not factor into ABC’s decision,” said Jarrett Barrios, president of GLAAD. “ABC has a history of positive gay and transgender inclusion that includes featuring kisses between gay and lesbian couples on-air.”
That just seems silly. ABC’s fear we can understand – what if Adam Lambert appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live swaddled in goose fat, and the sight of it instantly turned Jimmy Kimmel gay, and as a result Jimmy Kimmel got even partially naked? The three people who watch the show would never be the same again – but GLAAD siding with a broadcaster over Adam Lambert seems a little confusing.
But this is just a blip, we’re sure. All this will die down and, so long as he stays true to his principles, Adam Lambert will find a way out of this. Incidentally, Adam Lambert’s new single I Like Holding Hands With Girls (And Fishing And Bowling And Other Wholesome Boy Activities) will be released as soon as is humanly possible.
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m shocked!
How dare you promote the idea that fishing is wholesome!
Tehe
I want him on tv, stop banning him………he’s awesome. His talent is beyond words!!! I love him. And I’m a 50 year old woman.
How many cats do you have?
I’d ask “How many brains do you have?” But, the answer is obvious!
Yes, two. I ate my conjoined twin in the womb!
Jean, I want him on TV too! He’s the best performer in years and has more talent than anybody.
“And I’m a 50 year old woman” is a terrible catchphrase.
That won’t stop me from pinching it though.
I am with you Jean, I am a 47 year old female and I love Adam, He has the most incredible voice and out sung Kris Allen completely.
Love your article! Short and to the point. To which I may add:
ABC/Disney single-handily to destroy to best male artist the US has had in the last 10+ years and are going all the way out. They could have stopped with the GMA cancellation and stated that the parties involved “had resolved their differences”. Instead, ABC made the unilateral decision to drag this as far as possible, as long as possible to a point of no return. I believe in Adam as an artist, a performer and will always support him. Vendetta is not the right word for what is happening. It is disgusting, malicious, sadistic, virulent, sickening and what’s worse – all those goody two-shoes performers with the “stellar” records are keeping quieter than a death chamber, as if they are trying not to offend the Rodent. This backlash is unheard of in our country in 21st century; society has more compassion and understanding for mass murderers, rapist and drug dealers than for a performer in a 3-piece haute couture, on a late-night, adult-oriented show of all things.
LOL – Stuart, this column is really funny. Great to see a commentator inject some humor into this mess.
Well put, Lil. I too am sickened by what’s happening. How about a public lynching of the kid? No, that might be mistaken for auto erotic sex…ABC would ban him from the sanctified cemetery.
It is disgusting and will never convert Jesus’s true followers. So try all you like you sad Tw!l!ghters because God is here to stay.
Keep your Robert Patt!nson because I would rather be on Team Jesus. At least Jesus doesn’t dev!l worship.
Mark, 7:16
Peace, love and go Redbirds (yay!),
G4J
Where did RPattz come into this? *confused*
On-topic: I agree wholeheartedly with this article.
For flips sake, ABC need to stop kicking up such a stupid fuss about this.
He’s gay. He’s not going to stop being gay any time soon. ABC, you will not turn him straight. Quit whilst you’re ahead.
Wonderfully funny, as always Stu. ^_^
Jesusgirl, take your proselytizing elsewhere. Stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago.
I was wondering if something was going to be done about Lambert’s performance. Talk about a costume malfunction! This was much worse. I used to like Lambert, but he has gone beyond what is reasonable for a public performance on TV that could be seen by kids staying up to watch the show.
I wish ABC and the other stations would begin banning the female singers, Miley included, that think they need to perform their X-rated dances for young audiences so they sell more records, clothing, make-up, etc. These singers–Lady Gaga, Britany, are nothing more than glorified pole dancers. Kids wouldn’t be allowed to see strippers perform in a bar. Why are they allowed to see these singers performing publicly on TV?
It’s time to ban them all, unless they begin performing shows that are family-oriented.
Joann – I can’t tell if you are being sarcastic or not. You know it’s parent’s responsibility to monitor what they see on tv, not the network’s and certainly not Adam Lambert’s. He’s the best male vocalist to hit the scene in decades, it is a shame to even think about banning him.
So we’ve a screaming 50 yr old lady with cats, a conjoined cannibal and the latent Jesus freaks who feel the need to give their “I love Jebus” spiels. Interesting conglomeration fascinated with gLambert.
Please apologize, I am not facinated with Glam-bert. Just all pop/celebrity fans that are total flouride-mind-controled slaves.
That’s fair then, JoeMomma, I apologize for accusing you of being fascinated with the Man from Glam. Clever of you surviving the womb in such a manner as well. Kudos.
Hey, I’m a big Adam fan who happens to be in her 20s. Adam’s fans are very diverse and range in age, sexual orientation, race, and gender. Let’s not stereotype shall we. Stereotyping is not sexy.
Having said that, this is a very funny srticle and a good read. ABC are totally overreacting by banning him from other late night shows. For God’s sake, the boy knows his audience, he isn’t stupid!
Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing him on the VIEW and Larry King this week. The album “FYE” is siiiiiiiiick!
Brilliance Stu, but you always are.
Isn’t it funny, Women on women = $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Guy on guy = canceled performances.
Its not shocking that GLAAD is not backing Glambert. I mean, he is obviously not gay enough for some, check out the controversy with OUT magazine.
Because he posed with a women in GQ, the gay community has decided that they do not need to support Glambert.
Coke whore LiLo smashes cars, o.d.’s and get a shot on the Ellen show (she is also gay)
You think Ellen has called Glambert? That’s a HELL NO.
Funny how intolerant ALL people can be. Just so happens in this case its the US gay community who won’t tolerate Glambert.
I wonder if Bowie had come out with Ziggy in this day and age….
Well, regardless, Lambert is extremely talented and he absolutely left Idol behind and I do not think his career is in trouble it is just starting. Nothing stops the world from turning and the people in it from changes and that is what this is all about because all the networks have been allowing changes with artist pushing the envelope. It is really nothing new.
adam lambert is the best entertainer today hes super- hes a good human being- never had-have a performer liek him hes always the best.
i follow him wherever he perform(music)