Last week’s instalment of American Idol was truly nail-biting – a fat bloke almost went home but then didn’t.
Could it be topped this week? Of course it could, because last night’s American Idol was an almost completely perfect show. Not only was there a double elimination, with Katie Stevens and Andrew Garcia being catapulted back to obscurity, but Tim Urban survived for yet another week and Adam Lambert turned up to sing a song AND the Ford music video featured a cover version of a Polyphonic Spree song that we used to like AND the group medley took the form of genuinely the most insulting tribute to Elvis Presley that we’ve ever seen.
Oh wait, those are all bad things, not good things. Hey, that means that American Idol wasn’t perfect at all! What an unfortunate misunderstanding on our part.
Elvis week. Just let those words soak in for a moment. Elvis week. All the American Idol contestants – one of which stands a very good chance of becoming an international superstar – reduced to Elvis Presley impersonators. In retrospect, no wonder two contestants went home this week. Chances are that if the American Idol producers offered viewers a ‘KILL THEM ALL WITH HAMMERS IMMEDIATELY’ voting option at any point during Elvis week, one very unlucky janitor would currently be trying to scrape bits of Lee Dewyze‘s skull from the inside wall of the orchestra pit.
But, thanks to last week’s daring deployment of the judge’s save, two American Idol contestants would have been sent home anyway. However, the unlucky rubes this week were Andrew Garcia and Katie Stevens. And you know what? We’ll miss them. Andrew Garcia, we’ll miss the way that you never pronounced any vowel apart from the letter A, turning last week’s Can’t Buy Me Love into Can’t Bay Ma Lave and this week’s Hound Dog into Haand Dag. And Katie Stevens, we’ll miss not really knowing who you are.
However, while we mourn Andrew Garcia and Katie Stevens, at least we can console ourselves with the fact that Tim Urban is still a part of American Idol. Fun fact: by surviving this long, Tim Urban is now the most successful worthless dollop of Jonas Brothers afterbirth in the history of the entire show. Congratulations Tim!
Also worth celebrating – Adam Lambert made his triumphant return to American Idol, mentoring the acts and performing his new single. Thanks to his valuable input, this year’s remaining American Idol contestants will know exactly how to stay in the media by utilising one of several tedious attention-grabbing stunts. Don’t believe us? We’ll be here to accept your apology the day after Crystal Bowersox pushes her fingers up a dancer’s bottom during a routine on live television. Because don’t think that she won’t.
Still, at least we can be certain that next week’s American Idol couldn’t possibly be as bad as this week’s American Idol. What? Annie Lennox is performing? OK, we take it all back. Next week’s American Idol is going to be terrible.
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