That’s no exaggeration. It feels like we’ve been waiting for years to see the floppy-haired, perpetually wrongheaded Osmond cyborg get eliminated from American Idol, and it still hasn’t happened yet. And we’re not the only ones. Last night it looked as if Michael Lynche was set to get the elbow from American Idol, after wheezing out a spectacularly awful version of Eleanor Rigby, but the American Idol judges put a stop to it at the very last moment.
By invoking their once-a-season Judge’s Save, the American Idol panel vetoed Michael Lynch’s elimination. That’s not because he was any good – he really wasn’t – but because they were just ticked off about Tim Urban’s continued survival. Probably. It would have been our excuse, anyway.
This week American Idol played host to Lennon & McCartney night. Notice that – it wasn’t The Beatles night, it was Lennon & McCartney night. Why? Simple, it’s because if That Idiot Tim Urban was given the reigns to the entire Beatles back catalogue he would have ended up doing a reggae version of Within You Without You or – worse – Octopus’s Garden. Imagine how nightmarish that’d be. Go on, actually imagine it. Imagine Tim Urban singing Octopus’s Garden. Imagine it. Now stop crying. We’re sorry.
It was bad enough as it was – limited to Lennon & McCartney’s output, Tim Urban decided to tackle All My Loving in such a preposterously cack-handed way that we wouldn’t have been surprised if an audience member leapt onstage and battered him unconscious with his own stupid guitar midway through the second word – but it doesn’t matter. Because, once again, America gave off the disquieting impression that it quite likes Tim Urban.
Because, when the American Idol bottom three were announced, Tim Urban was nowhere to be seen. In his place were Michael Lynche (Eleanor Rigby), Andrew Garcia (who bewilderingly replaced all of Can’t Buy Me Love‘s vowels with the letter A) and Aaron Kelly (who sang The Long A Winding Road With A Rat Gnawing Through My Sphincter), with Lynche emerging as the least favourite of the lot.
But the American Idol judges just couldn’t let Michael Lynche go home. He shows too much promise, has too much talent, has too much obvious potential to release a best-selling album called Michael Lynche Misjudges The Tone Of 11 Songs About Death And Loneliness to fail. That’s why the American Idol judges unanimously chose to pull out their special once-a-season save card to keep him in the competition for at least another week.
The save comes at a cost, of course – next week two contestants will definitely leave American Idol. One of them is bound to be Michael Lynche – these saves are only temporary elastoplasts at best – but who will the other be? Here’s a quick hint: if it isn’t Tim Urban then we’re going to saw off our own leg and club a nun to death with it.
Alright, we probably won’t. But vote him out anyway, please.