Everyone knows that letting Adam Lambert be on TV is an act of gross stupidity. What if he kisses a man?
What if he starts humping your leg? What if he mimes a rimjob in such disgusting detail that it causes everyone to splutter into their tea and have a seizure? Adam Lambert is a risk. But the people of The View don’t care about risks, which is why Adam Lambert appeared on the show yesterday. And, perhaps because the sight of wizened old Barbara Walters is enough to sap the sex out of any situation, Adam managed to behave himself.
That said, during his interview Adam Lambert did keep referring to how ABC had pulled him off. The dirty bugger.
We’re pleased to announce that the war is finally over. After banning him from Good Morning America, Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, ABC has finally lifted its ban on Adam Lambert. True, Adam Lambert might have caused outrage at the American Music Awards by trying to push his tongue so far down his keyboardist’s throat that we thought he was trying to fish out a semi-digested HobNob out of his small intestine, but ABC knows that time – plus the growing sensation that it might be starting to look like someone’s reactionary old uncle – is a great healer.
And that’s why Adam Lambert was allowed on The View yesterday. It was a potentially dangerous situation – it was risky letting Adam appear on a show presented by four obviously gay men, for starters – but any danger was removed by the act of taping the interview prior to transmission. So, while the interview may have contained moments where Adam Lambert shoved a ball-gag into a cameraman’s mouth, or gave a producer the teabagging of his life, or performed an impromptu version of Don’t Rain On My Parade in a bikini made of flamingo feathers, it was all edited out.
And what remained was a lovely chat designed to show America what a lovely boy Adam Lambert can be when he’s not trying to gouge your eye out with his nutsack. EW reports:
When Lambert came out, he said with a laugh, ?Protect your children, people!?… While he acknowledged that his AMA appearance was ?a little bit lewd? and that he was ?experimenting with imagery and performance style,? he admitted that in the future, he'd probably ?stay more consistent to the rehearsal? of any TV performance.
From Adam Lambert’s point of view, his appearance couldn’t have gone any better. He didn’t back down or apologise, he seemed to win the majority of the audience over and Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even try to stab him in the throat with a pen for being a Godless sodomite once. That alone is quite impressive. We heard that she’s killed for less.
Actually we haven’t heard that at all, but she’s just got that look about her, hasn’t she?
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Mary says
This is by far the stupidest article I have ever read..It makes me wonder if the writer’s mind is worse than the adult performance written about..
kelly says
Stuart,someone quickly before your brain disintegrates completely. You sound like a 9year old in an adult body. There were four adult women and Adam on The View= a highly rated program. They were mature intelligent adult thinking and discussing Adam’sAMA performance and, keeping it simple, see no reason for all the big fuss. They clearly showed by comments, and body language, they genuinely like ans support Adam. Get a grip, Struart, sexuality isn’t scarey to everyone.The women of The View proved that there is still intelligent life on earth. The entire segment with Adam was also pleasant, witty, intelligent.
starlight says
HA! HA! HA!
too funny
kae bandewa says
You are hilarious, dude! I don’t think some of the other readers understand the idea of sarcasm…. your snark was a wonderful way to wake up this morning. XD
My favorite lines:
“What if he starts humping your leg? What if he mimes a rimjob in such disgusting detail that it causes everyone to splutter into their tea and have a seizure?” ROFL!!! I can’t imagine Adam Lambert doing that – he is such a class act – but then again, after the AMA’s, who knows?
“Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn
shannon says
I am so sick of people telling lies about Adam. I watched that performance and when he kissed that guy their mouths were closed. Adam has even said on TV that no tongue was involved. I also could not really tell if it was a man or a woman he was kissing until the media had to announce it to the world. Why can’t you homophobic idiots (Stuart) shut the hell up?
AdamFan9000 says
Wow, Mary and Kelly sure don’t have a sense of humor do they? I think the author of this article makes an excellent point. What is the difference between those 4-5 woman sitting around dishing and 4-5 drag queens? The conversation and the outfits are pretty much the same. I thought it funny what a kiss ass Elizabeth turned out to be, first she disses Adam than plays like best friends? I think we should keep twittering her for another like 6 months on this. Just to keep her on the best friend side for longer than the yesterday’s show. Rock on Adam – you were great yesterday!
Blondiegrrl says
Kinda ewwww, but I laughed at “Godless sodomite.” :)
a female says
Stuart, please let me have your babies. I never get tired of your articles, you are absolutely hilarious.
JoeMomma says
We’re you also first in line to get your H1N1 flu shot?
humour people says
Oh my god some folks just don’t have a sense of humor.I love Adam and can’t stop raving on and on about him,this guy stuart was merely and clearly taking the p*ss.
magnetite says
They say that the day after the shoot someone left an ersatz wang that appeared to have been expertly whittled from a root vegetable on Lambert’s doorstep.
The only thing with it was a tearstained and lipstick-kissed cocktail napkin, the back of which bore doodles of a Bald Eagle and Ronald Reagan and the scrawled message “THINK OF ME OR I WILL KILL AGAIN”
Bruce says
Lol!!! It’s hysterical how some people take things so seriously. I’d love to meet that poster Kelly. I can just see her getting her panties in a bunch “now Stuart those people on the View are women not men and they are wonderful women at that”. She probably had to take her heart medication when she saw Adam Lambert’s performance on the AMA’s. I just hope this whole banning crap hasn’t tamed the dude in anyway. It’s about time someone interesting came along to shake things up. Plus to me anyone who can get a rise out of the likes of Hasselbeck and O’Reilly is a hero in my book. Next step Lambert give O’Reilly in on the air heart-attack. I’d pay big bucks to see that one.
Girl4Jesus says
*Chuckles* Another piece on HecklersPray.com telling the L@mbert and Tw!l!ght supporters (I call them stupporters, short for stupid) what a Godless people they are.
Y’all need to get into Jesus Christ, for there is no other way you will be saved. Until that day you are providing support for S@t@n, and we all know what he has in store for you! (Corinthians, 7:15.)
Stop watching “Tw!l!ght” and step into “The Light”!
Peace, love and go Redbirds (yay!),
G4J
magnetite says
You are doing a great job G4J, but you need to take your proselytizing to a new level. One commensurate with the rewards that you will reap eternally in Life 2.0 at the side of the Almighty.
Take your words to a street in Jerusalem, Mumbai or Jakarta. Tell those heathens to their faces that their way is wrong, and that only Jesus can save them.
Do that and come back. Then you can batter out punctuationally-warped messages to fans of bland music and clumsy vampire romance.
p.s. Which Redbirds are you cheering on? Only one of them is not an affront to God. I hope you chose the right one.
Circe says
Stuart, you are such a Snark! Loved your warped observations.
Jacqui says
I agree with this comment wholeheartedly.