It's probably not an overstatement to say that the Spice Girls were The Beatles of average-looking, questionably-talented, ruthlessly-marketed lowest common denominator forgettable pop music – and now the Spice Girls are back!
Well they're not back yet, but from midday today the Spice Girls are back! All of the Spice Girls – Dumpy Spice, Depressed Spice, Uppity Spice, Overbearing Spice and Slaggy Spice – are about to hold a joint press conference in London's O2 Arena where it's expected that they're going to announce the return of The Spice Girls, for one album and six concerts only. Of course, all the speculation could be wrong – the Spice Girls could just as easily be announcing that they've kidnapped a vanload of children and they're going to drive it into a lake unless people start taking their solo careers seriously again – but we'll just have to wait and see.
It's been eleven years now since the Spice Girls first told us that we'd have to make friends with all the Spice Girls in order to have sex with any of them in their debut single Wannabe, and seven since everyone sort of forgot about the Spice Girls and they split up to little fanfare – and the world is so much different now, for the Spice Girls as well as everyone else. If the Spice Girls are to reform later today like everyone assumes they will, what sort of a world will they be stepping back into?
Well, since the Spice Girls split up, the shadow of Islamic suicide terrorists has become a very real treat and a needless war in Iraq has destroyed global morale on an unprecedented scale, but on the other hand we've been able to walk into a newsagents and buy a some crisps or a can of Pepsi without having to see Victoria Beckham's offensively pinched sponsored face leering out from every item of packaging like some sort of awful government-enforced scheme to keep people out of newsagents. So it's not all bad.
And the Spice Girls themselves have gone through plenty of changes, too – Baby Spice Emma Bunton learnt how to dance, Posh Spice Victoria Beckham became a world authority on getting chased around a school by some pigs, Scary Spice Mel B let Eddie Murphy knock her up, Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell gave birth to the most ridiculously-named baby in history and Sporty Spice Mel C got a bit sad. But forget about the failings of the Spice Girls as solo artists, because any minute now the Spice Girls are going to get back together. BBC News reports:
The girl group are due to address the press at the O2 arena in south-east London at 1200BST (1100GMT). A notice announcing the event said the band would "make an official announcement to the world regarding future plans". It is rumoured the group are planning six live shows around the world with gigs in London, Tokyo and Las Vegas, to support a greatest hits album which comes out later this year.
Now, you're obviously very excited about the prospect of a Spice Girls reunion, and rightly so – after all, if all goes well there might even be a sequel to Spiceworld: The Movie in the pipeline, although Michael Barrymore will probably play the broken shell of a damaged man instead of a funny Sergeant major this time – but just you hold your horses for a minute. We've heard this sort of talk before, you see.
First the Spice Girls were meant to reform for Live 8 and that didn't happen, then the Spice Girls were meant to reform for their tenth anniversary and that didn't happen, then the Spice Girls were meant to reform randomly on a whim and that didn't happen and then Nelson Mandela ordered the Spice Girls to reform and that didn't happen. It was rumoured that the Spice Girls would be reforming for the creepy Princess Diana concert, but that's on Sunday so we can't see that happening either.
But, hey, it's almost certain that the Spice Girls are going to use their press conference to reform. And good luck to them – after all, the All Saints reunion went so well, didn't it.
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Darren Lenterman says
God – seeing Geri Halliwell totter around in a tiny dress was bad enough a decade ago – imagine what a state she’ll look after ten years of not being famous. Gross.
Mithaearon says
I have some new nick names they could use if they wanted:
Victoria: Waste of Space Spice (Although this could apply to all of them)
MelC : Failed Solo Career Spice (Although this could apply to all of them)
Emma: erm….I will get back to you on this one….
Geri: Stupid Baby Name Spice
MelB: Knocked Up By A Donkey Spice
Babyfan says
Wow, You people who have commented must have super exceiting lives to sit around and read articles so you can write a comment about how u hate the Spice Girls.. If you don’t like them don’t read articles
about them turn off ur tv or radio if they are on and don’t buy tickets to their shows!! Its that simple!! If you don’t like it ignore them!! Alot of people(including me) are very much looking forward to their concert!
It is just going to be fun, And they aren’t hurting ne one!! SO BUG OFF!!!
Vicky says
Victoria is beginning to look very like Joan Rivers – scary