We know you've been waiting for 24 long hours for part two of this week's Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, and here they are – we're as excited as you are because we don't get too many chances to make jokes about Emma Bunton's large head these days.
Tomorrow on Strictly Come Dancing the contestants will be either trying their hand at the Viennese Waltz – for which dancers have to be graceful, stately and perfectly in time with one another; or the Salsa – for which dancers have to be recently divorced, slightly overweight and cripplingly insecure if the salsa classes at out local leisure centre are anything to go by. But how will the Strictly Come Dancing contestants do? More specifically, how will the Strictly Come Dancing contestants that we didn't talk about yesterday do?
Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Ray Fearon, Mark Ramprakash, Louisa Lytton and Emma Bunton…
Ray Fearon – Ray Fearon is on a one-man mission to prove to the men of Britain that ballroom dancing isn't just for girls, homosexuals and confused elderly men like Bruce Forsyth. After all, Ray Fearon played a mechanic in Coronation Street and that's a man's profession, and he played Oberon in a stage production of A Midsummer Night's Dream – easily the most masculine fairy that an actor can play. Just to prove it even further, Ray spent Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing doing the Paso Doble to a Bon Jovi song. Did it work? Well, the female Strictly Come Dancing judge told him that he had "masculinity pouring out of every pore of your body." We always thought that 'masculinity' was a polite way of saying 'semen,' so we hope to god she was wrong. SCORE: 30 – Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/1
Mark Ramprakash – While everyone's busy paying attention to the large-foreheaded Spice Girl and the Eastenders infant, Mark Ramprakash is doing a very good of dancing everyone off the stage in a very surreptitious way. Maybe he picked this stealth up on the cricket pitch, since there's an uncommon similarity between dressing up in a frilly pink blouse and standing around in a field for four days. Nevertheless, Mark's cape-y Strictly Come Dancing routine to some Strictly Ballroom music was the best of the night. And, just for once, the female Strictly Come Dancing judge didn't make a freakishly hamfisted come-on to Mark, instead restricting herself to a meek "You must have been a dancer in another life, and once again you ignited my fire." Wait, that was a freakishly hamfisted come-on, wasn't it? SCORE: 34 – Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 9/4
Louisa Lytton – Poor Louisa Lytton didn't have a great week last week; first her Eastenders Dad popped his clogs after doing a piss-poor Raging Bull impression and then her Strictly Come Dancing routine to Take Another Little Piece of my Heart With You almost caused a fight amongst the Strictly Come Dancing judges; some thought Louisa was rubbish while another said "You guys look as if you've been dancing for years," which is quite a remark, since Louisa Lytton is only 18 months old. We suspect, though, that Lousia will stay a part of Strictly Come Dancing for a while longer, because she's the sole reason why 98% of the country's perverts are staying in on Saturday nights now. SCORE: 26 – Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 15/8
Emma Bunton – It's clear that Emma Bunton is the most famous of this year's Strictly Come Dancing contestants, because she's still the favourite to win the show despite having two solid weeks of not being especially good. In fact, Emma's Strictly Come Dancing career is going the same way as her singing career; a dazzling start followed by a momentum-maintaining follow-up and then a rubbish third dance. By this – admittedly really shit – analogy, Emma's routine on Saturday was her What Took You So Long – a song that got to number one even though not a single person is able to hum it now. Oh, we've gone and confused ourselves again. Anyway, this is what the Strictly Come Dancing judges told Emma Bunton: "You can light up the room, but the footwork wasn't as good as it should have been tonight." SCORE: 30 – Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 7/4
On Monday – It's back to the X Factor betting odds.