Newton's Third Law says that every action has an equal and opposite reaction; so when Take That reunited to become the UK's favourite middle-aged boyband, it was inevitable that another reunited group would fail miserably – that'd be All Saints.
It has been announced that grouchy combat-wearing 1990s girlgroup All Saints have been dropped by record label Parlophone after their last single Chick Fit didn't even make the top 200. Social commentators are expressing their dismal at the outright failure of All Saints' comeback, noting that they didn't even get to make a bastard awful naked crime thriller directed by Dave Stewart that nobody wants to see this time around.
Tricky things, reunions, especially now that everybody's at it. Thanks to Take That getting back together and – despite resembling the last four schmoes in the open-air soup kitchen line on a particularly windy day – hooking themselves number one singles, number one albums, awards by the sackful and prestigious singing spots on ITV teatime talent show Dancing On Ice, every other washed-up band around think they can do the same. For example, it's a well-kept secret that Rage Against The Machine reformed as a tribute to Take That, who they are all massive fans of.
But not all pop reunions work out. East 17's reunion crumbled when they failed to find a stage reinforced enough to take their combined weight, and Five's big reunion quickly went quiet when it eventually dawned on the group that nobody gave a shit about them first time round. But one reunion everyone seemed to have high hopes for was All Saints.
In the late 1990s All Saints proved to be a refreshingly mature, street-smart respite from the primary-coloured honking of gits like Steps, but the success couldn't last; three of the group made naked flop crime flick Honest, which battered their credibility, and then they split up after the release of their second album to forge lucrative careers in the field of writing books explicitly describing how much they really hated all the other members of All Saints.
However, in the name of cash All Saints reformed last year and everything looked like it was going well. Out went the old All Saints cargo pants and in came a more glossy magazine-friendly image. The first new All Saints comeback song Rocksteady made good on this sudden blast of All Saints popularity and cracked the top three. Then things went sour – All Saints' comeback album Studio 1 couldn't even make the top 40, and new single Chick Fit schlepped around outside the top 200 for a while before going home. So now, with crashing inevitability, All Saints have been dropped by their record label Parlophone, with a spokesman for the company saying:
"Both the label and the group are proud of the album Studio 1. All Saints are excited about moving forward with their career and Parlophone wishes them the best of luck."
Undeterred, All Saints have vowed to continue as a group, with rumours that new album sessions with William Orbit will take place later this year. Unless one of the Appleton sisters gets offered a spot presenting the ITV2 behind-the-scenes coverage of a guess the weight of the cake competition at a local WI fete, that is – they'd jump ship faster than shit off a shovel if you said they could be on the telly. All of which makes the impending Spice Girls reunion seem less of a good idea, wouldn't you say?
But look, All Saints' boyfriends – or ex-boyfriends – include Liam Gallagher, Liam Howlett from The Prodigy, the bassist out of Jamiroquai and some dancer bloke called Storm. There's a vocal harmony group we'd pay to see.
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Jamsil says
hum Rocksteady. You can’t, can you? All Saints won’t be missed
SL says
FIVE HAVE JUST GIVEN NEW PREVIEWS TO THEIR NEW ALBUM ON THE 7TH MARCH SO THIS ARTICLE ISNT COMPLETELY CORRECT
gingerchris says
Have you heard the Kissy Sell Out remix of Chick Fit? It’s actually quite amazing. If the original really was that bad then Mr. Sell Out has some great talent.