It's obvious to the world who the father of Michael Jackson's children is – it's Michael Jackson. You can tell because they all have the same Burka-style headdress and, as hecklerspray's prize geneticists tell us, those things are 100% hereditary on the father's side.
Now in the rarer kind of DNA squabbles, it's the maternity of Michael Jackson's kids that's being called into question. Our geneticists tell us proving maternity is far less expensive than paternity because you don't need the microscopes, petri dishes or extremely expensive Michael Jackson sperm samples (currently going for gasoline-like prices, we're told).
To prove maternal claims all you have to do is remove the 'mother's' womb and wrap it around the child. If it's a perfect fit, clearly the child once lived in there – our laboratories call it 'The Cinderella Principle.' We don't get the reference.
A woman named Nona Paris Lola Jackson, who's not crazy at all, says she carried each of Jackson's children for the mandatory nine months, and that Debbie Rowe is an impostor.
They should totally do the womb test.
Nona Paris Lola Jackson, a self described "black Jew born in Britain," claims to be the Mother of Michael Jackson's white children. Michael Jackson, at least microscopically, is also black. Interesting.
The woman states her daring genetic claims are entirely true because she used to have very frequent access to Michael's genitalia and all related liquids, and she got knocked up in three of their thousands of bed-ridden encounters. She doesn't ask for much in the legal case she's tried to file. According to E! Online:
"The Jackson known as Nona is seeking… Well, she's seeking quite a bit, including Neverland Ranch, child support and shared custody of Michael Jackson's three children, Prince, 10, Paris, 9, and Prince II, better known as the balcony-dangled Blanket, 5."
Nona claims Jackson never ever slept with either of his ex-wives, but she and he boink all the time – and as recently as last October too, apparently. When she first filed the court documents last year in LA she explained herself:
"Michael and I are a sexually active couple and have been this way from the beginning."
The would-be mother also claims she's known Jackson since he was a teenager, and that she's written over 3,000 songs for him. All of which will appear on his next album, no doubt. The woman's lawsuit was thrown out last November, and it was again rejected 05/02/07. The judge didn't close the door on her, he just told her to get her legal junk together.
Michael's more recent ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, has called Jackson's paternity of the children into question in the past. As long as allegations are flying, hecklerspray wants you all to know we helped sire Jackson's giraffe, his Japanese fans, the entire jury he served with and all 69 of the other Michael Jacksons that banded together to sue the original.
This would have all come out sometime. We wanted to be the ones to tell you.