Of course, the sight of Britney Spears with hair and a working pair of knickers wasn’t the only story of the MTV VMAs – there was also Russell Brand.
As the host of the MTV VMA awards, it was Russell Brand’s job to gee up the audience and remind everyone about the awe-inspiring spectacle they were witnessing. That’s technically not what Russell Brand did, though – what he did was slag off all virgins for being rubbish and then get shouted down by a tubby virgin from American Idol for it.
But it’s OK, because The Jonas Brothers – the virgin pioneers, the virgins that all other virgins aspire to be, the virgins that Russell Brand spent most of the MTV VMAs mocking for their preposterous purity rings – have forgiven Russell Brand for his comments about them. Which might make them seem like the bigger men, but let’s not forget – they are virgins, so they’re definitely not.
We thought we had this tween pop thing nailed, you know. All you need to do is get a pretty-looking teenage girl, make her sing a bunch of wholesome pop songs about how special everyone is if they believe in themselves and then act all surprised when they inevitably take all their clothes off on the internet.
But no, apparently some of these tweeny-poppers actually take the idea of virginity pretty seriously. So seriously, in fact, that they’ve taken to wearing purity rings to show the world that they’re never ever having sex until they’re married. Ever. Presumably this is because their religious beliefs are stronger than their desire for physical intimacy, and also because they all love On Chesil Beach by Ian McEwan so much that they want to reenact it word for messy word one day.
Given the prevalence of this chastity movement at the moment, it seems a little odd that the man picked to host the most purity-ringish MTV VMAs in history was Russell Brand – a man so constantly lust-demented that he can actually get people pregnant just by saying their name out loud three times in a row.
And when the unstoppably horny force of Russell Brand collided with the immovably chaste object of a bunch of teenage virgins at the MTV VMAs, there was only ever going to be one outcome. That came when, after Russell Brand had dedicated the majority of his airtime to ridiculing the purity rings worn by anaemic genital-free catalogue model virgins The Jonas Brothers, Jordin Sparks from American Idol told him off, saying that not everyone was a slut.
Which is definitely true – there are plenty of famous teenage girls who definitely aren’t sluts. Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t a slut, for example, and nor is Bristol Palin. True, that’s because they’re either too busy looking after their newborn baby or getting so swollen and pregnant-looking that no boys will go near them to be sluts, but that doesn’t matter.
But, just as it looked like Russell Brand had flushed his chances of American success down the toilet forever with his controversial anti-virgin stance, The Jonas Brothers have ridden to the rescue and forgiven him, noting that he did mumble a half-hearted semi-sincere apology under his breath at the end of the night. They told Radio 1:
“For us it’s cool to see that he recognises we are gentleman. …I think he did a good job. We saw him on Conan O’Brien and thought he was hilarious.”
And with that everything was OK again. Russell Brand has emerged from the MTV VMAs as a kind of rebel anti-hero, The Jonas Brothers have shown that they can be courteous even though they’re essentially rubbish virgins and – thanks to Miley Cyrus‘ continued use of a purity ring – a whole generation of American teenage girls will continue to believe that they can roll around on boys’ laps in their underwear, go topless for glossy magazines and take photos of themselves in the shower and God’s basically cool with it so long as nobody sticks anything up anyone else.
We love a happy ending.
J says
“Which is definitely true – there are plenty of famous teenage girls who definitely aren’t sluts. Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t a slut, for example, and nor is Bristol Palin. True, that’s because they’re either too busy looking after their newborn baby or getting so swollen and pregnant-looking that no boys will go near them to be sluts, but that doesn’t matter.”
LOL
Ironlung says
why forgive him? kill him! kill him now!!!
naturally im too stupid to get his amazingly intelligent humour. he REALLY IS SO CLEVER!!!!!! hahaha, and calling his book my booky-wook. genius. its a good job i knew some cunt from shoreditch to cooly explain what its in refrerence to. ITOTALLYDIDNTGETITITITIT!!!!!!!!!
america, you keep him. i dont want him back. im always hearing about gun crime in america, so get that motherfucker in action and END HIM.
Stabby McGee says
Settle down, Beavis.
Gilbert Wham says
Boy’s got a point though, don’t he?
Stan says
“thanks to Miley Cyrus‘ continued use of a purity ring – a whole generation of American teenage girls will continue to believe that they can roll around on boys’ laps in their underwear, go topless for glossy magazines and take photos of themselves in the shower and God’s basically cool with it so long as nobody sticks anything up anyone else.”
Last time I checked that all that is neccessary to qualify as a virgin. I suppose that teenage shouldn’t kiss,look at each other, hold hands, go swimming together wearing swimsuits, hug, horse play around, sit together, etc.. Fact is anything from saying hi up to as you put it Sitckinng anything up anyne else is” fair play for teenagers, these days, and in the past decades as well..(just no one took pictures) How far they go usally has more to do with their emotional and hormonal state than common sense. So she has every right to wear a ring. Remember the number one thing with God is forgiveness, so I hope you believe in him because after making an unneccessary comment like that about a young 14-15 year old emotional girl, you’re going to need it.
Ironlung says
oh stan, i wish the police were as forgiving as your god.
Julian Mentat says
>> “the number one thing with God is forgiveness”
Which god is that? A Christian god, maybe? But, the new testament god or the old testament god?
Because the number one ‘thing’ with the old testament god is smiting.
Gilbert Wham says
The number one thing with ALL gods is not being real.
djill32 says
Russell Brand is an idiot and I never want to see his faggy face again! He should stick to sucking dick and gay porn, because it’s obviously the only thing he is good at. Those of you who thought he was great probably don’t realize your probablly gay too and that’s why you liked him so much. Didn’t you realize he’s a sex addict, but with men?