A recent delegation of international scientists recently announced that if Kevin Federline keeps knocking up girls at the furious rate he's currently maintaining, it will take just three generations for everybody on Earth to be a little bit Federline.
Luckily, though, we can all breathe safe – reports that Kevin Federline has got his ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson pregnant are being steadfastly denied by all parties. Don't pretend you're not disappointed – you want to see Kevin Federline keep up his herculean baby-a-year knocking-up rate just as much as we do. If K-Fed slows down, he'll never be able to effectively colonise the planet with vast wads of his spoo. And that'll be his loss, as a planet exclusively consisting of his own flesh and blood seems to be the only way that Kevin Federline will ever actually shift a meaningful amount of Playing With Fire CDs.
Kevin Federline hasn't been reading the rulebook. If he had, he'd have clearly seen that deadbeat ex-spouses of genuinely famous people aren't allowed to still be newsworthy seven months after a split. But perhaps Kevin Federline is allowed in on a technicality this time – this isn't really a story about Kevin Federline, this is a story about Kevin Federline's sperm which, rumour has it, gets its superhuman potency because each little swimmer is equipped with its own grappling hook and set of crampons.
It never mattered how much of a bell-end Kevin Federline appeared to be during his marriage to Britney Spears – making a hopeless hip-hop CD, constantly complaining about Britney, thinking that people would want to see a movie all about his life – because Kevin Federline knew what he was good at. He was good at getting one girl pregnant every year like clockwork.
First Kevin Federline knocked up Shar Jackson from Moesha with Kori and Kaleb, four years old and two years old respectively. Then Federline set his sights on Britney Spears, who he married and impregnated with Sean Preston and Jayden James, who are 21 months and nine months old. But then Britney Spears and Kevin Federline divorced, and Britney went mad, and Kevin Federline had nowhere to dump his spuff any more. And with a high baby quota to maintain, Kevin Federline had no choice but to rush back to Shar Jackson.
Or maybe he didn't. Both Kevin Federline's rep and Shar Jackson herself have denied reports suggesting that K-Fed's knocked her up. E! Online reports:
A rep for Britney Spears' undoubtedly virile ex-husband has denied a report that Kevin Federline ready to spawn again with another former flame, Shar Jackson. "It's not true at all," publicist Marilyn Lopez told E! News. The rumor was born Wednesday morning, when the New York Post's Cindy Adams reported that Jackson was not only entering her seventh week of pregnancy, but that Federline had no idea she was with child. But Jackson, too, has denied the report. "It is not even remotely true," she told Us Weekly.
Ah, OK, so Kevin Federline hasn't got Shar Jackson pregnant because he hasn't been trying. We're sorry for ever doubting your powers, Kevin, and we still believe that you have the ability to get a girl pregnant just by looking at her crotch for upwards of five seconds.
Still, it's just as well, we guess. The money from that one commercial that Kevin Federline did would have never fed five mouths.
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