Sweet mother of Moses – Britney Spears is single! Well almost anyway. Britney Spears went and did what hecklerspray's sweet prayers have been imploring she do for a little over two years now. Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline, as he's ugly and has little personality. And she cited irreconcilable differences.
Since we heard the wonderful news, hecklerspray's been taking all sorts of measures to ensure we catch Britney Spears' eye, should its gaze ever fall upon us. That's right, we are totally her type now. We're white with corn-rows, we have big beautiful diamond earrings, and we wear our hat about 15 degrees crooked.
We'd be more comfortable not meeting Britney's kids right off though. Seriously.
If Britney Spears hadn't been voted as being much uglier recently, hecklerspray'd already have her on the horn. Our reps would have contacted Britney's reps, a delightful evening out would've been arranged, and we'd be practising our good-listener skills for when she keeps telling us how Federline just never got her sense of humour.
Why you ask? Because Britney Spears has recently filed for divorce from her husband of two years. The legal papers were filed in Los Angeles County Superior Court, and "irreconcilable differences" was the box she had her people check.
The tabloid-friendly Britney Spears and Kevin Federline only just pushed out their second child together like two months ago, but when the time is right, the time is right. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have had a long two years together, what with baby dropping, child welfare enquiries, militaristic nanny hiring, and Spears probably having to listen to K-Fed's burgeoning rap style any time he wasn't sleeping. The only quote readily available is one from Federline's Lawyer's slave:
"There is no statement at this time as requested by Mark's [the lawyer's] client, Kevin Federline."
Now that's not that fun, is it? But we don't need a quote, because these celebrity divorce quotes are always the same. For instance, let's plug in the Reese Witherspoon/Ryan Phillippe recently issued divorce statement:
"We are saddened to announce that Reese & Ryan have decided to formally separate. They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time."
Sounds nice, doesn't it? Celebrity divorce always does. Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra called their's an "amicable split".
See the pattern here? Wait, here's another one:
"hecklerspray's parents are saddened to announce their inevitable split. They will, however, remain friends, and neither of them knows how those twelve Vietnamese hooker bodies got under the porch."
Believe it or not, that's the first we've heard. Give us a minute.