What's the worst thing you can think of? That's right – it's that PopoZao song that Britney Spears' husband Kevin Federline foisted upon us earlier in the year. But what's worse than that?
How about a feature-length movie starring Kevin Federline? That'd be pretty horrible, wouldn't it – having to look at that big stupid face and ridiculous cornrows for two hours. Ugh. But what would be even worse than that? How about a feature-length movie starring Kevin Federline that's about Kevin Federline and is a bit like 8 Mile? Yes. That is literally the very worst thing we can think of. So you'll never guess what Kevin Federline is reportedly trying to make…
Kevin Federline is a mystery wrapped up in an enigma housed in a giant question mark. With a speech impediment and rubbish cornrows. There are constant reports about various bust-ups between him and Britney Spears – that she took his credit cards and made him live in the basement, that the Spears-Federline divorce is just weeks away, that when she first heard his dreadful rapping on Y'All Ain't Ready she cruelly laughed at him, that he's jealous of the Britney birthing statue and has commissioned a giant marble statue of himself taking a dump – and yet the couple deny that anything is wrong.
Things are apparently so dandy between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline that Britney Spears can even go on TV, sob a bit and then call Kevin Federline "awesome" without any trace of irony. So, with things seemingly at an all-time high between them, maybe now is the time for Kevin Federline to try and push for that Kevin Federline biopic that he's been longing to make for such a long time.
If reports are true, Kevin Federline has been working on a script for a film based on his life with shades of 8 Mile thrown in for good luck and is seeking financial backing for the project. From any angle, this is a ridiculous idea and stone cold proof as to why you should never trust anyone who has ever danced for money.
If the Kevin Federline movie is steeped in historical fact, it'll be about a heterosexual boy who inexplicably wanted to become a dancer, tried to cultivate a preposterous 'street' image and then married someone legitimately famous and lived off her cash. However, if the Kevin Federline movie is more of an 8 Mile film, he'll have to rap in it. And we all know how terrible he is at that. But we're not the only ones who think a Kevin Federline movie is a bad idea – so does Britney Spears, according to a source speaking to MSNBC:
"Britney has just heard that Kevin is working on a script and trying to get funding for the film. She is really upset. She fears Kevin just wants to promote himself at her expense to further his career."
Perhaps we're being too quick to judge this Kevin Federline movie idea. In fact, change it around a bit so that it stars Sean Preston Federline, Kori and Kaleb from his previous relationship and the unborn foetus currently growing inside Britney and we'd call it a hit. A hit called Children Of The Cornrow. We crack ourselves up sometimes, we really do.
[story by Stuart Heritage]