Sunday papers are ace. Thanks to them we now know that Paul McCartney beat up Linda McCartney, Heather Mills-McCartney beat up Paul McCartney and baby Bea McCartney is a three-time ultimate cage fighting champion.
OK, so maybe not the last one. But this weekend, revelations about the marriages of Paul McCartney to both Heather Mills and Linda McCartney poured out of the Sunday papers at an incredible rate that'll only speed up as the divorce between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills approaches. However, now senior members of Paul McCartney's staff have come out into the open to declare that everything that Heather Mills has said lately has been a pack of "wicked lies," and that she actually has two legs but she just pretends to have one to make people feel a bit sorry for her.
OK, not that one either.
Who'd have thought that the household of the man who wrote Silly Love Songs, Blackbird and Here, There And Everywhere was so violent that it makes Nil By Mouth look like Mary Poppins? That's what the latest saga in the divorce between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills is making out, anyway – its saying that friends of Heather Mills claimed that Paul McCartney beat up his first wife Linda McCartney, Maxwell's Silver Hammer-style.
It's been a divorce that's gone from friendly split to slightly nasty split to lock-changing pettiness to claims of drug-fuelled wineglass stabbery in lightning speed – only pausing to giggle at pictures of Heather Mills sitting in a deckchair while a man in a chequered shirt looks at her breasts really closely – and things look set to get even more messy for Paul McCartney and Heather Mills in the weeks and months before their divorce trial begins. Paul McCartney denies abusing Heather Mills, but as for the claims that he used to knock about Linda McCartney before she died too, a former employee of Paul McCartney who was sacked for not getting along with Heather Mills has spoken out. Geoff Baker told The Times:
“To brand Paul a wife-beater is the most absurd fucking claim anyone can make. I was with them for four years when she says a lot of this took place. I never saw him lay a finger on her or abuse her. Her allegations are outrageous lies. It is pure wickedness. (Paul beating Linda is) the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Everyone knows that Paul and Linda had one of the happiest marriages in showbusiness.”
There's still no word from Paul McCartney about these claims – it looks as if he'll be sticking to his 'save the fighting for court' tactic. But the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce won't even take place until next year, and at the speed things are going, it probably won't be long until we've all heard how Paul McCartney dug up Linda McCartney's body, used it as a punching bag, then scared Heather Mills by stringing it up on wires and making it dance about to the tune of a specially-written song entitled I've Got Two Legs And I'm Not Even Alive Any More, which Paul McCartney would sing in a deliberately rubbish Newcastle accent just to annoy Heather.
Which we're probably certain didn't happen.
[story by Stuart Heritage]