Official: Tom Cruise Actually Is Jesus Christ

Some Tom Cruise films are so bad that normal people have to exclaim "Jesus Christ" when they watch them - which is funny, because Tom Cruise actually is Jesus Christ, and any more talk like that and he'll zap your bum with his holy eye lasers.

We're not kidding, Tom Cruise really is Jesus Christ. The similarities are there for all to see - Jesus had a beard and so did Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai. Tom Cruise once had a high-speed motorbike shootout with a Scotsman in Mission Impossible II, and Jesus once did a similar thing on a donkey. Jesus hated the Jews and so does To… ah, no - that's Mel Gibson we're thinking of. Anyway, Tom Cruise is Jesus Christ and you've got no choice but to accept it. It must be true because a Scientologist said so.

Sometimes - just sometimes - we feel a teensy bit sorry for Tom Cruise. Over the last couple of years he's had his reputation smashed into dust - by hooting about Ritalin on TV, by leaping on Oprah's furniture, by wooing a young girl and knocking her up and making her give birth in silence and then eating the placenta - to such an extent that Tom Cruise was actually fired from Paramount by an old man convinced that all women hate him.

But despite all this, Tom Cruise has gone to extra-special lengths to try and shed his Crazy Tom Cruise image. He apologised to Brooke Shields for being weird to her, he finally married Katie Holmes and he's been given his own Hollywood studio. Finally the world sees Tom Cruise as a normal guy.

And then a Scientologist compares Tom Cruise to Jesus Christ. According to The Sun, Scientology leader David Miscavige thinks that Tom Cruise and Jesus share a lot of similarities, and not just because many people want to nail Tom to a plank of wood and leave him there, either. The Sun quotes a Scientology source as saying:

"Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

That's right - at some point within the next few generations, angry mobs will go about torching their local churches, furious that conventional religion had been hiding the secret that Tom Cruise was Jesus from them all along. And in their place the crowds will build giant golden Scientology temples, complete with gleaming auditing rooms shaped like Tom Cruise's charming lopsided grin. Down will come the crucifixes, to be replaced with effigies of Tom Cruise's most testing time - the time when a boy squirted a water pistol in his face. The Da Vinci Code will be reshot so that the French girl at the end realises that she's a distant blood relation of that bloke from Days Of Thunder. And Tom Cruise's new best friend David Beckham will be put in charge of writing the new Cruise-centric Bible.

OK, that's a step too far. Tom Cruise as Jesus we can understand - but David Beckham knowing how to write? Come on.

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Cruise 'Is Christ' Of Scientology - The Sun