Here's some top secret news that you probably won't have heard: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married over the weekend; well, you won't have heard unless you've somehow seen any of the nonstop TV and press coverage of the wedding.
However, since Tom Cruise was involved in the wedding, things didn't go ahead without at least a small measure of confusing batshittedness. For example, it turns out that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had already got married before they flew to their big Italian castle for the wedding, and the whole thing was just a flashy stunt. Also, just about the entire population of Italy wants to kick Tom Cruise down a flight of stairs for hiding away from them over the weekend. And who'll be waiting at the foot of those stairs? We imagine it'll be Oprah Winfrey, who we imagine is still angry that she didn't get an invite to the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding spectacular, and who we imagine has set up a number of steel bear traps on the imaginary flight of stairs that we just referred to.
Ever since Tom Cruise proposed to Katie Holmes in Paris 17 months ago, the world has been eagerly waiting for a Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding. And, boy, did they ever make us wait. We've had to sit through the ideal-shattering pregnancy, the purchase of dangerous medical equipment, the creepy silent birth, the suspicious aftermath of the birth, the eventual revealing of the baby and the scary-sounding Buff Brides regime to finally get what we wanted – a confusing, needlessly ostentatious Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding that nobody really knows too much about.
And, let's be honest, we did want to see Tom Cruise get married to Katie Homes. We wanted it so much that we falsely predicted Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding in the summer, and then again a few weeks ago, before finally getting the date right. After that, the Tom Cruise wedding facts came streaming in – the wedding would be in an Italian castle, Tom may have hired Andrea Bocelli to sing and just about every celebrity you can think of got a wedding invite. Except Oprah Winfrey, who got hilariously snubbed.
And this weekend our dreams came true. Katie Holmes became Tom Cruise's third wife, and Tom Cruise became Katie Holmes' first ever husband/captor/legal guardian. Well, we say 'this weekend' but really we mean 'last weekend' since that's when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes actually got married, meaning that the Italian castle extravaganza was all just for show, as Tom Cruise slave Arnold Robinson explains:
"As is customary for couples marrying outside of the United States, Cruise and Holmes officialised their marriage in Los Angeles prior to their departure."
Even more controversial, however, is the news that the population of the Italian town where Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married is spitting feathers that the couple didn't even bother to acknowledge anyone at all during their stay. Especially angry is the mayor of Bracciano Patrizia Riccioni, who had presented Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes with a tiny silver castle, then didn't get an invite to the wedding and had to spend a weekend copping a lot of shit off furious Italians who were upset because they didn't get the split-second sighting of a midget and his lanky wife that they'd pathetically stood around in the rain for. She told The Telegraph:
"Honorary citizenship? They do not deserve it. A whole town has sacrificed itself for them, volunteers worked all day, traffic was closed off. We greeted them with great enthusiasm and have put up patiently with all the small problems that the event has brought. After that, the couple did not appear to the public even for an instant."
However, our favourite Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding anecdote was this one:
The newly-weds' end of ceremony kiss was so long, said Giorgio Armani, the designer, that many of the guests shouted "Stop, stop!"
If only Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had made their wedding more public, then we could have all seen the incredible sight of a 44-year-old man forcing his tongue into the mouth of a 27-year-old girl – despite her obvious discomfort and the cries to stop of everyone watching – for so long that even the most hardened Tom Cruise cynic would have been forced to admit that the whole wedding thing looks vaguely legitimate, if only out of fear that Katie Holmes would eventually suffocate and die if they didn't appease Tom Cruise somehow.