Remember earlier on in the week when Sumner Redstone was all like "Everyone hates Tom Cruise, mwa-ha-ha"? Well, now Tom Cruise is all like "Screw you old man, I got my own Hollywood studio now, so eat my knickers!"
Mere months after Paramount decided to fire Tom Cruise for being a bibble-headed loon who all women hated, Tom Cruise and his producing partner Paula Wagner have bounced back to extraordinary effect – they've buddied up with MGM to revive United Artists, the long-shonky Hollywood studio formed 85 years ago by Charlie Chaplin and some other people. Literally everyone's a winner here – now that Tom Cruise is in control of United Artists he can orchestrate his comeback on his own terms, plus he gets to lord it over frail octogenarians like Sumner Redstone; the Hollywood community can rest assured that United Artists is being managed by one of their own who understands the creative process more than anyone else and – most importantly – now that Tom Cruise isn't an underdog any more, we can officially stop feeling a bit sorry for him and dust off our Big Book Of Disparaging Remarks About That Tiny Moron Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise inspires all kinds of feelings in people; feelings like anger, bewilderment and mistrust, usually or – if you're Tom Cruise's bride-to-be Katie Holmes, partially-believable love. But pity doesn't usually figure too importantly in the spectrum of emotion that Tom Cruise inspires. That all changed, though, when dusty old Viacom bigwig Sumner Redstone decided to fire Tom Cruise from Paramount for his nutty couch jumping and placenta-eating exploits; suddenly, thanks to the bizarre whim of a man almost 20 years past retirement age, Tom Cruise was lost in the wilderness.
Sure, Tom Cruise had other things to keep him occupied, like unveiling his weirdly wiggy-looking baby, planning his forthcoming wedding to gigantobride Katie Holmes and getting a day named after him in Japan, but movie-making was never too far from Tom Cruise's mind – he'd already got loads of movie cash from the Redskins and now he's got control of United Artists too. United Artists is the recently defunct studio founded by Charlie Chaplin, DW Griffith, Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford that's been responsible for movies like Night Of The Hunter, Some Like It Hot, the Bond movies, the Rocky movies, Apocalypse Now and Rain Man. E! Online reports:
According to an announcement made earlier today by MGM CEO Harry E. Sloan, Cruise and Wagner will have "substantial ownership" of [United Artists] and have nearly complete control—budget permitting—over greenlighting and developing new productions. MGM will financially back the endeavour and be responsible for marketing and distributing the Cruise-approved flicks. According to Sloan, the new and improved United Artists will produce roughly four films per year, with that number expected to increase in coming years. Wagner has been named CEO of the joint venture, while Cruise will both produce and star—though rival studios can rest assured, not exclusively—in the UA productions.
More than anything else, Tom Cruise taking charge of United Artists means that all kinds of insanely bland statements that sound like they've been churned out by the world's most inoffensive computer have been released. Here's Tom Cruise's take on the United Artists situation:
"Paula and I are very respectful of the rich history and tradition of United Artists, and we welcome the opportunity to contribute to that legacy by providing a wide range of releases that appeal to all audiences. It's our desire to create an environment where filmmakers can thrive and see their visions realised."
And here's what Harry Sloan says:
"Partnering with Tom Cruise and Paula Wagner, we have the ideal creative foundation from which to reintroduce the United Artists brand. Tom and Paula are the modern versions of the iconic founders of United Artists."
That this news comes days after the Vanity Fair interview with Sumner Redstone where he basically jigs about laughing about how all women hate Tom Cruise for a few pages must make it all the more sweeter for Tom Cruise. Chances are that we can now expect the first United Artists movie to be about a miserly old man named Rumner Sedstone getting gratuitously pummelled under the large heterosexual foot of Tom Cruise – who'll be wearing a giant Godzilla-style Xenu costume – in slow motion for eight hours. But, in all seriousness, let's hope that Tom Cruise's spell in charge of United Artists is a success, and that it firmly reestablishes him at the very head of Hollywood royalty.
Wait, this means that Tom Cruise's David Beckham biopic is bound to get made now doesn't it? Oh fucksticks.
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