Celebrity Haiku Competition: ‘Tom Cruise Day’
hecklerspray hates waiting for things. Like that time when we were four years old and our mummy left us outside Woolworths saying she'd be "back in a minute". You know… we've been getting increasingly suspicious these last 20 years as to whether she's going to keep that promise.
Still – to fend off the occasional colder seasons and the nasty glances of the Brixton Child Catcher – we've spent our time since thinking up zany competitions for you to enter. The best of these – Celebrity Haiku Competition – has become something of a national institution.
Which is where the irony prevails. As regular 'Spray readers will know, Celebrity Haiku Competition is usually a Monday thing. This week? This week we're late. Have we become the thing we most despise? Actually, no; the server was down or something, so we couldn't put one online yesterday. So… you know. Whatever.
Anyway. Enough of this bollocks. This week we're looking at crazy Japan and their crazy decision to dedicate a whole national day to crazy actor-man Tom Cruise.
But first? By golly – first we need to take a look at last week's winner…
Last week, we asked you to come up with the best haiku about the fact that Noel Edmonds had been boasting about driving around at 186 mph. In the nude.
The winner was a chap named Matt Bregazzi, whose stellar effort went:
Telly Addicts Host
Speeds In The Buff And Shows His
Big Crinkley Bottom
Well done, sir. You're a winner.
That's right – Matt (providing he sends us an address or something) is soon to be winning a spectacular prize. The same spectacular prize that we give out each and every week.
A whole multipack of Chewits.
That's, like, literally, about fifty individually-wrapped chewy fruit sweets. Or something.
But what about you? Don't you want the chance to win that amazing prize? By the skag-ridden veins of Pete Doherty, of course you bleedin' do! Well here's now. Simply write the best haiku about this week's topic:
The nation of Japan has decided that Tom Cruise is simply so goshdarn brilliant that they're going to dedicate an entire national day in his name.
All you have to do, dear friends, is remember the Golden Rule of Haiku – five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. And – heck – we're even going to provide you with an example, based on the above story:
Entire Country Gives
Name Of A Day To Tom Cruise?
The Deluded Fools
Yeah, yeah. That was rubbish. We know. And we also know that you can write a better one. Simply place your entries in the comments box below…
UPDATE – We'll only publish the Haikus that won't see our arses get sued for libel if we print them. Even though they've had us in stitches…
Read More:
Cruise Day Declared In Japan – Contactmusic
[story by C J Davies]
A whole day for you
To watch Top Gun and Cocktail?
Jesus fucking christ
Holistic Japan thinks Tom’s da shit!
yeah, Tom is the King of the World:
N°1 on Forbes, premiere, Empire, Pop List, richiest actor and he has his day.
he also have a church on his name thanks to Scorsese for Gangs of nY!
Awesome Tom!
LOL i love the reactions of the losers who’ve got no shit in their lives
Cruise Day in Japan –
But, wait! Katie and Suri
Want holidays too!
Tom Cruise Holiday?
The biggest catastrophe
Since Hiroshima!
Japan loves Tom Cruise
The French love Jerry Lewis
What the fuck is up?!
Modern Samurai
Lands Softly on Lifted Soles
On the Red Futon
Tiny Tom gets a day
Couches in Japan to break
free katians unite
‘Top Gun’ on all day
‘Days of Thunder’ marathon
yay Tomu no Hi
no decorations;
for Japan’s new holiday
we jump on couches
Tom is so happy
at last a holiday for
Scientologists
Suri’s Japanese
Japan gives Tom a holiday
Who is Kim Jong IL?
My name is Tom Cruise
I have a daughter, Suri.
Well, she’s really not.
cruise out of control
oprah’s beige couch winks slyly
chopsticks are stabbing
He of small stature
Hears these words from Suri’s mom
Sayonara, Tom
Japan! How could you!
Tom Cruise is such an asshole
This must be a joke
i feel the need, the
need for speed. they will be in
need of heroin
Konichiwa, Tom
How’s that little thief today?
Sayanara, Tom.
Japan’s holiday
Maniacal smiling day
Tom Cruise is happy
Ah, the Rising Sun,
You don’t know its history,
Tom does not either.
Wee Hubbardite man
Happy day for rising son
Vitamins for all
Tom is in a mess
If Suri is make believe
Then what is Katie?
I’m from freekatie…
Hoping to liberate her
From Tom’s Scieno grip
cruisesday wednesday
oh, those kooky little japs
have they got no shame?