hecklerspray is positively beaming. The sun seems a tad brighter than usual, the air is more fragrant, and we wish all those pigeons we stomped last week were less dead than they currently are.
"Why the sudden over abundance of joy?" you may be asking yourself. "Why does that glorious light seem to be emanating from behind hecklerspray's very eyes?" you may be reading right now.
The answer is simple – we love romance. We always have. We were right there with 'em when Brad married Jennifer. We read every interview Ted Danson & Whoopi Goldberg ever did together. In our wallet we keep a copy of Christie Brinkley's actual wedding-day nuptials. All four of them.
And now Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are making honest Scientologists out of each other. They've set a marriage date, and we know what it is. Oh goody goody.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are finally doing it. There was all that Eiffel tower proposing hubbub, all that "I'm in love" couch jumping malarkey, and all that nonsense about Katie being quiet while Tom eats the fleshy wrapper his baby came in.
And now Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married. As the world's heartbeat speeds just a bit, the pair's mouth-slave confirms that the wedding will take place on November 18 in Italy – the least gay of all the effeminate countries. Tom Cruise says:
"It's going to be really beautiful, it's going to be a lot of fun, and I'm actually getting into it. I'm having a great time."
That's nice Tom. Meanwhile, in a separate interview possibly conducted from the Trunk of Tom's car, Katie may (or may not) have said all red faced and sweaty:
"GET THE ROPES OFF!! GET ME THE HELL OUT!!"
The paparazzi must be drooling ahead of the wedding – and Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have taken precautions. We don't know what precautions, but that won't stop us from reporting some anyway. Security will include men in black tethered to the ceiling hovering inches above the floor, a pump 'em up theme song by Kenny Loggins, and three bald precogs floating in a punch bowl.
Unnamed and probably faulty sources tell us the entertainment will be Emilio Estevez getting killed by spikes on top of an elevator, which we think is a bit dark for a wedding, actually.
But just you try telling that to a celebrity.
Read more:
Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Set Wedding Date – Reuters
[story by Shawn Lindseth]