Put yourself in the place of Tom Cruise. You're one of the most derided men on the planet – for your religious beliefs, your medical beliefs and your unconvincing relationship with your girlfriend.
So, with this in mind, if you were Tom Cruise would you – even as a joke – tell a magazine that you're looking forward to ripping the placenta out of Katie Holmes and stuffing it right in your greedy gob? No, we didn't think so. That didn't stop Tom Cruise, though. He wants that delicious, fleshy, blood-splattered placenta in his tummy, and he wants it bad. Unless he's joking. Which, let's face it, would be a first.
When it was reported that Tom Cruise had bought a sonogram machine, the majority of people assumed that it was because Tom Cruise wanted to check up on his unborn baby – perhaps to check for the appropriate levels of irritating-ness – but maybe Tom Cruise was more interested in checking out the delicious placenta growing alongside the baby inside the belly of his heavily pregnant fiance Katie Holmes .
According to reports, Tom Cruise has expressed a desire to chow down on Katie's placenta once it flops out of her body. Tom Cruise told GQ magazine:
"I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought it would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there."
If Tom Cruise did eat the placenta of Katie Holmes, he wouldn't be alone. Most mammals, once they have given birth and chewed the umbilical cord off, quickly eat the placenta to stop predators from swarming round. Since Katie Holmes will be giving birth in Los Angeles, the predators would probably be paparazzi, but there are a few flaws in this plan. We, for one, would pay hand over fist for an image of Tom Cruise – face smeared with blood and afterbirth with a fresh umbilical cord poking out of his mouth – standing next to Katie Holmes, her mouth still gaffer-taped up to ensure that the birth was silent.
How Tom Cruise would eat the placenta is entirely unknown. Placenta recipes are easy to find on the internet, from Roast Placenta to Placenta Lasagne to Placenta Pizza to the horrific-sounding Placenta Cocktail (basically, you put the placenta in a blender with some juice and drink it). Sure, looking these up has meant we'll never be able to eat anything ever again without feeling violent waves of unending nausea, but that's the level of commitment we have towards you.
Still, we hope that the placenta-eating takes place at some point during the incredible Tom Cruise Mission: Impossible III premiere journey, hopefully the part where Tom rides the subway. After all, we'd hate for him to scoff all that delicious somatomammotropin without offering it round to some appalled New Yorkers first.
[story by Stuart Heritage]