Fans of watching ancient, barely-clothed Meso-American tribes shouting at each other in a language nobody understands before graphically decapitating everyone in horrifying detail are in luck – Mel Gibson's Apocalypto comes out in cinemas soon.
And early reviews are suggesting that, as far as harrowingly gruesome adventure movies told in dead languages starring a bunch of people basically off the street go, Mel Gibson's Apocalypto is definitely in the top five or six. And some critics are even whispering that Apocalypto deserves an Oscar or two. But wait, this is Mel Gibson we're talking about – the man who single-handedly offended the world by acting like a bit of a douchebag during his drink-driving arrest in the summer. And who are the people who hand out Oscars? A bunch of Fucking Jews, that's who. And a handful of well-selected Sugar Tits. Some even fall into the venn diagram overlap of half Sugar Tit and half Fucking Jew, so they have every reason to not want Mel Gibson to win an Oscar for Apocalypto. Will he? Arsed if we know, let's have a look…
Over the course of his career, Mel Gibson had slotted neatly into several well-defined roles. The action star, the romantic comedy lead, the Man Without A Face, the man who made a bloodthirsty snuff film about Jesus and got away with it… but this summer Mel Gibson found a brand new role to play – the pissed-up Anti-Semite. Everybody knows what's happened since Mel Gibson blamed the Jews for starting all the wars ever and invented the fantastically all-purpose phrase "Sugar Tits" – basically an apology, a stint in rehab, a bruising from Spartacus and a firm backing-up by Courtney Love. Oh, and Haikus. Lots of Haikus. Then Michael Richards came along and everything went back to normal.
Well, almost back to normal. For some reason ABC didn't want a man who called people of the Jewish faith "fucking Jews" making his long-awaited Holocaust TV show any more, but – hey – Mel Gibson always had Apocalypto to fall back on. Over the 18 months since Mel Gibson announced Apocalypto, he's occasionally popped up to confusingly ramble on about it or make excuses for it being late or somewhat self-importantly compare it to the Iraq war, but now, finally, Apocalypto is coming out.
And people seem to like it, too – early Apocalypto reviews are placing it among the best films to have come out all year, commending its power and beauty while admitting that Mel Gibson knows how to make a good film. However, The LA Daily Times notes that Apocalypto probably won't be winning many Oscars next year since many on the Oscar panel are a bunch of hard-nosed unforgiving Jews:
The rising tide of generally positive, if qualified, reviews poses a problem for Hollywood insiders, many of whom would prefer to ignore Gibson entirely, despite his formal apology and a trip to rehab. Powerful players like Amy Pascal, co-chairman of Sony Pictures Entertainment, and Ari Emanuel of the Endeavor talent agency have publicly disavowed Gibson, with Emanuel writing online last summer that "people in the entertainment community, whether Jew or gentile, need to demonstrate that they understand how much is at stake in this by professionally shunning Mel Gibson and refusing to work with him." … And yet, can the 5,830 voting members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences – an organization which, like broader Hollywood, includes many people who are Jewish – ignore a film that may well be considered by critics to be among the best of the year?
Of course, this stance raises a lot of ethical questions about whether movies should be judged on their merits rather than the rum personal views of their directors – but it's all unimportant, because we've got a fiver on Big Momma's House 2 winning Best Picture at the Oscars next year, and something tells us we've backed a winner.
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