It's been a few weeks now since Mel Gibson drove too fast around Malibu glugging from a bottle of tequila, promising to have sex with a male policeman, comparing a female officer's breast to a sweetener and blaming the Jews for all kinds of crap.
What we need now is a great big full stop, a summing-up, a final word to this whole Mel Gibson malarkey. And if that final word comes from a man with a great big chin who's pushing 90 – and if he can tell us stuff that we more or less already knew, but throw in a quote from the Talmud to make himself look a bit cleverer – then more the better. So it's a good job that Kirk Douglas has done just that, exactly eight days after most people stopped caring about any of this Mel Gibson stuff anyway.
It's long been assumed that Mel Gibson is a man capable of ferocious hatred; Jewish groups were quick to label The Passion Of The Christ anti-Semitic, while both Braveheart and The Patriot displayed a near-compulsive hatred for anything remotely English, as the deleted scene on the Braveheart DVD where Mel Gibson stomps on a tray of scones and then pulls a spaz face behind King Edward's back when he wasn't looking while singing Land Of Hope And Glory in a needlessly sarcastic way. But Mel Gibson's apparent hatred was pulled into sharp focus two weeks ago.
Like most of us have at one point of another, Mel Gibson got himself arrested after being caught speeding around an expensive Californian beach community while drunk and, like most of us, he then went on to shout "Sugar Tits!" indiscriminately at any woman he saw. But unlike a lot of people, Mel Gibson decided to use his arrest as an opportunity to explain why the fucking Jews were responsible for all the wars, which caused a bit of a shitstorm. Mel Gibson has responded to this by saying sorry, then checking himself into rehab, then saying sorry again.
To some extent this tactic has worked for Mel Gibson – Jodie Foster and Patrick Swayze have both defended him – but we know what you're thinking. You're thinking "what does Kirk Douglas make of all this Mel Gibson palaver?" Well, Variety magazine has answered your prayers, because it's roped Kirk Douglas into writing a guest column all about what a mess Mel Gibson is. Here's what he had to say:
"There is a Talmudic saying: 'When wine comes in, truth goes out.' I believe that. Within the deep recesses of his mind, there apparently lies a cancerous sore of hatred for the Jews… Mel's first apology was too contrite and seemingly not remorseful. His second was an afterthought – oh yes, about those Jews… He is a Catholic and appears to need some spiritual guidance. Perhaps he should first talk to one of his own faith. Maybe Cardinal Roger Mahony could be a great help. This is a serious problem that Mel has to face," Douglas continued. "Whether it is about self-hate, or hatred of others – let's face it – Mel is in a mess."
To quote Imogen from Big Brother, well that's the answer to that question. Maybe Kirk Douglas could put this new skill of reacting to news a week and a half after most people stopped caring to better use. For example, we'd love to know what he thinks of the Casino Royale set burning down or that thing about Madonna only shitting in new toilets. Come on Spartacus, whenever you're ready.
[story by Stuart Heritage]