When Nicole Richie loaded up on pot and Vicodin and drove headfirst into high-speed oncoming motorway traffic last year, she probably didn't stop to think of the 82 hellish minutes she'd have to spend in jail as a result of her actions.
Yes, you read that right. 82 minutes. While we were asleep last night, Nicole Richie went to jail for face punishment for her DUI charge. And before we'd even had time to dribble enough onto our pillow to make it uncomfortably stick to our face, Nicole Richie was a free woman again. Again, you could see this as preferential treatment for celebrities or a damning indictment of Los Angeles's overcrowded jails, but there's also a chance that Nicole Richie was released from jail after 82 minutes so that she wouldn't get enough material together to publish her prison diaries. If that's the case, there's a bouquet of flowers headed right for the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department with love from hecklerspray.
Whew, it seems like today is quite the day for brainless female celebrities to get handed ridiculously small jail sentences. Any minute now we'll tell you that Lindsay Lohan will spend one day in jail for repeatedly failing to realise that shoving cocaine into her pockets and driving around drunk isn't really all that legal, and now it turns out that Nicole Richie has learnt that taking two different kinds of drugs and speeding head-first into oncoming motorway traffic, endangering hundreds of lives in the process, is punishable by a jail sentence shorter than a Big Brother eviction night special.
Back in December 2006, Nicole Richie took it upon herself to get wasted on pot and vicodin before getting arrested for driving into oncoming traffic on a motorway. Since then we've had plenty of chances to watch Nicole Richie try to wriggle out of her punishment – she tried pleading not guilty, she tried pushing the date of the trial back and, most gruesomely desperate of all, she let the bloke from Good Charlotte get her pregnant – but the date finally came last month when Nicole Richie was sentenced to four days in jail.
And, although four days wasn't nearly as long as Paris Hilton's jail sentence, the world was in agreement that spending multiple nights alone in a jail where the only sound comes from women shitting in their trousers would jolt some responsibility into Nicole Richie. Or, failing that, going into a jail, being swiftly photographed and fingerprinted and then getting turfed out again before she even saw her cell might have probably taught her something too, possibly. Because, as Forbes reports, Nicole Richie only served 82 minutes of her jail sentence before she was released:
Nicole Richie was released from jail Thursday after serving 82 minutes of a four-day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs. The reality show star, who checked into a women's jail at 3:15 p.m., was released at 4:37 p.m. "based on her sentence and federal guidelines," Los Angeles County Sheriff's Deputy Maribel Rizo said without elaborating. Under a federal court mandate to manage jail overcrowding, arrestees sentenced to 30 days or less for a nonviolent offense are usually released within 12 hours, the sheriff's department said in a statement. Under the guidelines, Richie was "treated in the same manner as other inmates with a similar sentence," the statement said.
Still, now that Nicole Richie has learnt her lesson – that lesson, if you don't know, appears to be 'do whatever the fuck you like, nobody actually cares' – she can go on to tend to her unborn baby and prepare to get married to Joel Madden like any other idiot convicted of taking drugs and almost causing a serious pile-up before being let off by something even less than a slap on the wrist.
But, really, Nicole Richie was released from jail after 82 minutes because of overcrowding, even though Paris Hilton had to serve every single minute of her sentence? That doesn't make sense. More likely, Nicole Richie was released from jail because celebrities are generally better than normal people and deserve to be treated as such. Or possibly because prison guards suspected that Nicole Richie was in the middle of a critically ill hunger strike. One or the other.
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Eric Layne says
Nicole Richie is a twit, L.A. cops are twits. Where’s the mystery?
Adam Gade says
It really is rather annoying to be greeted by this type of news again and again. It’s no wonder these types are called America’s Royalty. It’s just a joke and a sham considering what they get away with
when you know damn well that a regular shmuck off of the street would’ve gotten torn up by the courts and legal system for the very same thing.
Racing to the bottom says
It is a pathetic sign of the times that whole industries are formed around these wastes of flesh. I wish the news would just stop covering these pathetic animals. They are like pornographers providing the means for society to continually degrade mankind…..
Prag Titmouse says
“Learnt” is not a word.
JengoPop says
Celebrities in trouble. Which of the following celebrities has committed the worse offense? a) Paris b) Bill Murray c) Lindsay d) Mel Gibson e) Michael Vick f) Nicole Richie
Vote at http://www.pollicious.com
Gilbert Wham says
‘Learnt’ is, in fact, a word. Furthermore, it is perfectly cromulent given the context…
Adam Gade says
Upon deeper thinking, I rescind my past comment on the basis that, if all these celebrities were jailed fairly, then Hecklerspray would be a very unhappy place indeed.
So for the greater good, I say let these abominations continue on so the hilarity continues on.
JoelB says
No Adam, not you too!
You’re been infected with the Paris Virus.
Symptoms include looking at HecklerSpray at least twice a day. Also, checking out the magazines at the supermarket and knowing more about what’s going on than anyone else there, and telling them so.
The main indication is the delusional belief that Paris and Nicole “provide beauty and excitement to our otherwise mundane lives.”
That rash, (you know where) indicates the final stages of this infection.
So long…