Nicole Richie’s Pregnancy A Surprise To All Idiots Everywhere

Nicole Richie Pregnant Diane Sawyer Interview jailHey, guess what – Nicole Richie is pregnant. Yes, we know you've all known that Nicole Richie has been pregnant for at least a couple of months, but Nicole Richie has just admitted officially that she's pregnant, which must mean something. Probably.

Somewhat confusingly, though, Nicole Richie decided to break the news of pregnancy in a televised interview with Diane Saywer by saying "we are pregnant." We? What does that mean? Does 'we' mean that Nicole Richie is pregnant and her unborn foetus is also pregnant? Because that's disgusting, especially if it's a boy. If Nicole Richie's unborn foetus is pregnant then wouldn't the birth be like playing with some sort of beastly blood and goo-covered Russian doll? We blame the parents. Or the grandparents. Frankly, this whole pregnancy within a pregnancy claim has skewed all traditional notions of generational titles beyond meaning.

Oh, and Nicole Richie's sorry for all the people she nearly killed in her car that one time, too. 

It's been a busy week for Nicole Richie so far. Usually Nicole Richie fills her days by violently rejecting all nutrients and spazzing about like the responsibility-free celebritard that she undoubtedly is, but these last seven days have been different. First Nicole Richie was sentenced to four days in jail, then Nicole Richie's show The Simple Life was cancelled and now Nicole Richie had admitted that she's pregnant. 

Of course, none of these things were actually surprising, but at least they prove that Nicole Richie shows willing now and again. Everyone knew that Nicole Richie would end up in jail from the moment that she drove her car upstream on a motorway while blasted on pot on Vicodin last year, and everyone knows that Nicole Richie is pregnant because she's so skinny that she convulses every time her unborn baby blinks. And everyone knew that The Simple Life would be cancelled because, well, because it's crap.

But anyway, as we reported last week, Nicole Richie has been interviewed by Diane Sawyer about the giddy excitement that comes when you're an expectant mother who's about to go to jail for driving like a shithead. The first part of the interview won't be broadcast until tomorrow, but ABC has the highlights:

In an exclusive television interview with ABC News' Diane Sawyer, Nicole Richie confirms for the first time she is pregnant with Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden's baby. "Yes, I am. We are. I'm almost four months," Richie told Sawyer… Richie also talks about her upcoming jail time. "I have a responsibility and it's something that I did wrong, and if I could personally apologize to every single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving I would… And unfortunately, I can't, but this is my way of paying my dues and taking responsibility and being an adult."

Oh Nicole, stop being so hard on yourself. Nobody's asking you to personally apologise to every single person who has lost a loved one from drunk driving – just every single person who has lost a loved one from a spoilt skinny rich girl smoking drugs, necking prescription medicine and then ploughing her car up the middle of a motorway into high-speed oncoming traffic. You should conserve your energy, Nicole – remember that you're being a dumbass for two now.

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Exclusive: Richie Confirms Pregnancy – ABC