Want to know how big New Moon is? It’s so big that even New Moon trailers have their own teaser trailers now.
Sadly, we’re not joking. A New Moon trailer comes out on Friday, and to tease fans – about the trailer – a 15-second peek has emerged.
Before the New Moon trailer teaser trailer came a teaser to the teaser trailer to the New Moon trailer, which consisted of five seconds of the New Moon trailer teaser trailer. And before that came the teaser to the teaser to the teaser trailer to the New Moon trailer, which lasted a tenth of a nanosecond and only existed in the mind of one overexcited teenage girl. Or bloody SOMETHING.
We think we speak for everyone here when say “Oh, for God’s sake”. New Moon is still over a quarter of a year away, and it’s already easily the most unbearable thing that any of us have ever had to endure. Every single incremental leaked piece of New Moon information – from the picture of the Wolf Pack to the first New Moon trailer to the legitimately dreadful-sounding Comic-Con panel – means being forced to put up with millions of teenage girls flailing and breathlessly clattering into each other and screaming until they rupture their small intestines.
And that’s fine. That, along with self-harm and binge-drinking, is what teenage girls do. But this? This is just taking the piss.
On Friday, a new New Moon trailer will be shown ahead of screenings of Bandslam, the new Vanessa Hudgens movie. That in itself is enough to inspire breathless hysteria, both in fans of the Twilight series and dirty old men who’ve spent the last week panting over the naked Vanessa Hudgens pictures and the naked Ashley Greene pictures and wrongly assume that a New Moon trailer followed by Bandslam will contain more young nudity than you’d find on Gary Glitter‘s hard drive. But apparently it’s not enough.
Because a teaser for the New Moon trailer has appeared online. Not a New Moon teaser trailer. A 15-second teaser of the actual trailer itself. For people who can’t wait two days. Just thinking about this is giving us the early stages of an aneurysm, so we’ll just show it to you instead…
But what did it all mean? What did the complex montage of images in the New Moon trailer teaser trailer actually mean? Don’t worry – we’ll break it down for you, scene by scene:
SCENE ONE
Here we can clearly see Robert Pattinson leaving Kristen Stewart, probably because she’s a bitch and she’s wearing an ugly coat.
SCENE TWO
Here we can see Kristen Stewart being comforted by Taylor Lauter, who hasn’t realised what a skank bitch she is. He’ll learn.
SCENE THREE
Here, Kristen Stewart mumbles something slightly inaudible. It might be “You’re so beautiful”. It might be “You’re sort of beautiful”. It might be “Jesus christ Taylor, what’s going on with your hair? Have you started a Charles And Eddie tribute act or something? You look ridiculous” Or it might just be “Mumble mumble mumble I’m a massive bitch.” It is Kristen Stewart, after all.
So what does it all mean? Here’s an idea – read the cocking book.
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Crysta says
Jesus friggin Christ -_- you are really low for calling Kristen all those names. I’ll have you know that it’s not only teenagers that like this movie, but older women as well. Maybe I should expect this from a dude though…Most guys like you get jealous and angry at the sight of anything Twilight nowadays. I find it kind of laughable.
Also no Robert Pattinson isn’t leaving Kristen in that one scene because he thinks she’s a bitch. If you knew anything, he’s leaving her because he thinks it’s because of him she gets endangered. Try doing more research before carelessly and ridiculously posting an article that bashes on the actors for no reason. I bet you’ll be close to being mobbed for this one.
Sunny says
Oh Stu, there you go teasing the Twitards with a teaser about a teaser and simultaneously irking them to font-spatting madness. Excellent.
Many thanks for the shirtless Were-boy coverage.
Soo says
Well, I can’t say the inflammatory stuff about Kristin wasn’t transparent and should generate plenty of traffic (which I’m sure was your intent). Even so, I’m a fan of the books and I’m already sick of all the hype, so that particular point is well taken. But you’re trying too hard as a heckler, and it shows when you have to stoop to calling someone petty names.
Tsk tsk, Jr. Back to heckler school for you.
Lane says
Check this out Twilight fans, here is a chance for you to win tickets to the New Moon Movie Premiere, just click on the link below for more information. http://apps.facebook.com/twilightprizes/?refuid=1801352323
Yami says
Well I am 24 yrs old and I love this movie, besides the fact that i HAVE READ ALL THE BOOKS ALSO! So I dont understand why you are calling Kristen all those names for. They are perfect for each other. And besides if you are jelous keep those comments to yourself.
You are the stupid bitch and probably a skank.
Lindsey says
I am a huge fan of Twilight and I still think you’re hilarious :) they should have picked better actors!!!
shayna says
you are the best totaly right i love this saga realy dramtic
What says
I agree with ‘Soo’ – am a fan of the books, and not a fan of these snippits of trailer footage…just release the daymn thing already!
However, while I am a fan of sarcasm, and I must admit, your post had potential, it was a wee bit too much. You still gotta play nice part of the time… :-p Good luck to ya.
Julias says
She is a skank and a bitch with an ugly coat. No question. About this article in particular, I’m only disappointed over the lack of urination references. I’m sorry, It’s what I look forward to. A rupture of the small intestines cheapens the whole experience. Probably….
Shawn Lindseth says
Stu is a skank!
Shawn Lindseth says
Big time!
Shawn Lindseth says
YOU’R THE SKANNK SHAWN YOU ALSO MAKE ME SICK SHES A FRIGGIN ACTRESS SHES SUPOSED TO UH DUH IDIOT ITS CALLED I DON’T KNOW MAYBE ACTING IT ISNT REAL DIMWIT SHES FOLOWING A SCRIPT SHE DOESNT LOVE HIM FOR REAL & EVEN IF SHE DID WHATS IT TO YOU DO YOU LOVE ROB PATZZ? OR SOMTHING keep LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO KEEP DREAMIN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
lilywhite says
it still continually boggles me how many people don’t get hecklerspray – at all.
Demolition says
twilight? never seen it, but i can tell you this…. in about 10 years no ones gonna give two sh*ts about it(yes all you f*ggot fanatics). it will be lost in the trendy teen market of the mid 2000’s.this movie has the same taste as harry fodder. and i’m sure since harry testicles is older now and the teens who watched the original movie are all grown up now and have jobs, they need a replacement for it since the series is ending.it’s unfortunate that the world has stooped to teen drama,crappy tv programming,and lame franchises so that the hollywood industry can buy there next sports car.hey i dont give a sh*t really, all you fanatics can keep defending a fake reality until your 80 and you are in a wheelchair.plain and simply….what a waste of life.
Just Another Person says
Dear obvious Twilight fan,
Get the fuck over yourself. There’s this thing called sarcasm and humor which, apparently, all Twilight fans lack. Hell, I can’t even say that cuz I’m actually a Twilight fan and I still laughed my ass off reading this.
So, to sum this up, this article was obviously written as a piece of humor so if you’re just gonna get your knickers in a twist, don’t read it. Save us the pain of your holier-than-thou mentality and just get off the Internet. Thanks and good day.
Beccacaca says
Yeah im a fan too,
but the film grates on me, as do the actors.
Hecklerspray is great, i think the site is a fan the amount that they write about Twilight. Its like a playground crush!
MEOW says
I do think it is funny how many have become obsessed with the actors who play the characters in the movie twilight.I would not go as far as calling them F*ggot fanatics. It is hilarious how people will bash the entertainment industry yet here they are on the internet toddling around because they too have nothing better to do. In ten years twilight along with harry potter will still be watched just as much as disney movies. Yes, maybe it is a waste of life but that is just a retarded opinion coming from someone who spends most of their days in front of computers rotting their brain and ruining their eyes just like a child with a playstation 2. A hipocrit to the fullest. I would rather watch tv and read books than to spend my days making meaningless post bashing others interest because I am too stupid to do anything better with my life. I am an adult, a mother, a wife, and have a career but still have time for a little entertainment such as TWILIGHT and I do think it is a wonderful story and the actors do the best that they can to bring the characters to life. It is just entertainment and those who don’t want to be entertained do not have to watch sooooo shut the h*ll up no one cares how you feel or what you have to say!!!