We now bring you the biggest news of this, or perhaps any, century. There. Is. A. New. Moon. Trailer. THERE IS A NEW MOON TRAILER!
Perhaps you didn’t understand us. There’s a New Moon trailer and it’s on the internet and we’ve got it here! It’s literally everything we wanted it to be, because Robert Pattinson‘s in it and he looks dreamy and a man changes into a wolf and we want to marry it FOREVER.
We’re exaggerating. But the New Moon trailer is everything we wanted it to be. It’s quite short. That’s all we wanted it to be.
The MTV Movie Awards were held last night in America and, if it was held on any other year, it’d be remembered for being the awards where Bruno descended from the sky face-first directly onto Eminem‘s crotch. But not this year. Because this year the MTV Movie Awards belonged entirely to Twilight.
Twilight won just about award going last night, from Best Movie to Best Fight to Best Kiss to the inaugral Worst And Most Easily Offended Incontinent Teenage Fans award. The latter, in particular, was well deserved. But all that was just build-up to the main event – the long-promised New Moon trailer.
Sure, we may have all known every single little thing about New Moon up until this point – we’ve seen the New Moon Wolf Pack, we’ve seen what Robert Pattinson looks like topless and we’re well aware that Robert Pattinson smells like a blocked drain at a spa for obese pensioners with irritable bowel syndrome – but we haven’t seen any finished moving footage from New Moon itself yet. At least not until now.
Oh, we’ve kept you waiting long enough. Here it is, the New Moon trailer…
Now, we know. There’s a lot to take in, isn’t there? Especially since, like us, you probably spent the entire duration of the trailer crying, screaming, urinating and masturbating simultaneously. But we’re here to help. And that’s why we’ve decided to take you by the hand and lead you scene by scene through the New Moon trailer. Ready?
NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE ONE
In this scene, Kristen Stewart is being a total bitch and a skank and she wants Robert Pattinson to kiss her because she’s a bitch and she knows that we want Robert Pattinson ALL TO OURSELVES because he’s so dreamy. But Robert Pattinson turns her down because she’s pulling a face like the lady off the stroke advert.
NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE TWO
In this scene Yahoo Serious from the 1988 movie Young Einstein attempts a Fabulous Baker Boys-style piano-top performance. But the piano breaks because it hates him because he’s not Robert Pattinson and Robert Pattinson is lush and we’ve just wet ourselves thinking about it.
NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE THREE
In this scene Robert Pattinson uses every last ounce of concentration to work out what the third month of the year is. After 45 desperately tense minutes, he finally comes to the conclusion that the answer is ‘Jessica Tandy‘.
NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE 4
In this scene, the main baddie in New Moon is revealed to be that bloke from Aswad.
NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE 4
In this scene, a dog with one human arm and one human leg does a jump. In the scene afterwards, a cat with human ears and a human chin sings a song about a little Dutch girl and in the scene after that a giraffe with a human ballbag beats Robert Pattinson at Monopoly.
There. We can’t wait either.
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ovi sirb says
Fuck you, when you tweeted this post I thought this would be a new “Moon” trailer. That would have been awesome.
Sunny says
That was delicious… especially the werewolf manboy. I need a smoke now.
Vicki says
Yeah, what an ass. Get over yourself Stuart.
Chrissy Richards says
After seeing the official trailer last night at the awards show I am SOOO excited to see the movie! The cast is getting hotter and hotter. Check out these pics I found of the new cast. Enjoy!!!
http://tinyurl.com/newmooncastphotos
shooty* says
I enjoyed the Aswad reference. I’ve never heard of this fellow Pattinson, but pee’d myself anyway, just to be down wiv da kidz.
anna says
You see critics just do not know how to appreciate and accept what others love.They professionally think by having a highly technical movies with dangerous weapons, dangerous and ugly killer monsters which cost millions, millions dollar paid royalty actors, big and expensive sets, with screaming on screen husband and wives(as though we dont have enough in real lives),heavy sex full of adultery scenes should be better than a simple and creative love story which was initiallly meant for teenagers but actually being loved by all levels of adults and even grannies and grandpas. They just cant accept that a good movie is a movie that people want to go and see over and over again and not a high cost movie full of violence and complicated flow of story as though that’s not enough in real life. Wake up critics, respect the fans,its our money, we pay for the movies we love and choose to go.Irrespective whether they are teenagers or adults or old folks the movie sold millions of tickets. Respect the success of a movie dont make fun of it and perhaps you as critics should open your eyes and heart and start looking within yourself.Dont make a mockery of yourself,its an insult to us adults.
cara says
Poor adults, they are such great losers. Poor critics too they have been so blurred by all this so called experts that everything to them now is blur. Come on chill it, be nicer, life is too short to be complaining.
mollie says
what the fuck it tweet? is that some new fangled word for quief?
mollie says
you are scary.
Stewy says
God I hate it when Critics are actually critical.
@Cara critics are the experts. Don’t put all adults in the same shit pile with your parents who raised an idiot that can’t look up word “Heckler” in the dictionary. The site is called HECKLERSPRAY so obviously they heckle the media and popular culture.
Bobblehead Pattinson is a boltering flat face gimp and the movie was all over the place. Didn’t do the books justice at all. The worst was the bleached blonde mexican.
Craigster says
“Jasper” looked like a cancer patient on the verge of crying.
Stabby McGee says
Yeah, me too. I could totally see Stuart squeeing for real over that.
M B says
Not to same extent as Ovi, but same sentiment – Would Not Using Excessive Caps Really Hurt? Would’ve made it easier to ignore – the last thing I need are goths or emo vampires.
amber says
something tells me that new moon is going to be great.I LOVE VAMPIRE.GO BELLA SWAN.