Believe what you read and you’ll know that Robert Pattinson smells like a sweaty tramp’s dirty rectum – fact.
And that’s made Robert Pattinson mad. Because, as everyone knows,† the only things that Robert Pattinson smells of are moonbeams, fairydust and an unidentified chemical agent that makes teenage girls and lonely adult women urinate on sight. Seriously, Robert Pattinson is so upset with rumours of his chronic BO that he’s actually gone public to tell everyone that he does shower sometimes, actually.
So just to clear that up, Robert Pattinson doesn’t stink. He just looks like he stinks. Big difference.
Robert Pattinson can’t go anywhere without women falling at his feet, and for a while last week we thought we knew why. No, it’s not because of his dreamy hair or the way that he plays a romantically-idealised vampire in a crappy movie. And, no, it’s not because he appears to be so strapped of anything approaching personality that females can easily project their desires onto his big blank face without obstruction.
No. It’s because Robert Pattinson stinks so horrendously that all his stale sweat particles clog up their nostrils, starve their brains of oxygen and cause them to fall into near-instant unconsciousness. It’s a neat trick, Pattinson, but we’re on to you. We’re on to you, you hear?
Or maybe we’re not. Because, following last week’s reports from sources on the New Moon set claiming that Robert Pattinson is a great big stinking bumguff who brushes his teeth with clods of animal dung, takes baths in tubfuls of steaming gypsy piss and wipes his bottom with other people’s dirty bottoms (we’re paraphrasing), Robert Pattinson has gone on the offensive to tell everyone that he does wash now and then, as it happens. Monsters And Critics reports:
When asked about the rumours, Pattinson said: “I do shower! And besides I haven’t even been on the set yet!”
We can’t tell you how upset this news has made us. Robert Pattinson really does have it all – good looks, nice hair and armpits that don’t smell of a cheese convention in a wee factory. We’re distraught. Honestly, those rumours about Kristen Stewart having a penis and a telescopic chin had better be true, otherwise we’ll have nothing left to live for.
But anyway, how did Robert Pattinson know that people said he stinks? Simple – it’s because he Googles himself regularly. He said:
“I admit I do look for myself sometimes. I used to do it a lot more before. Now I only look at the negative stuff. I just want to know whoever’s saying negative stuff, I want to remember their names. I write it all down in my black book.”
That’s hecklerspray with a small h, Rob. All one word. Much appreciated. Ta.