Robert Pattinson Wants You All To Know That He Doesn’t Stink

Robert Pattinson, Robert Pattinson smells, New MoonBelieve what you read and you’ll know that Robert Pattinson smells like a sweaty tramp’s dirty rectum – fact.

And that’s made Robert Pattinson mad. Because, as everyone knows,  the only things that Robert Pattinson smells of are moonbeams, fairydust and an unidentified chemical agent that makes teenage girls and lonely adult women urinate on sight. Seriously, Robert Pattinson is so upset with rumours of his chronic BO that he’s actually gone public to tell everyone that he does shower sometimes, actually.

So just to clear that up, Robert Pattinson doesn’t stink. He just looks like he stinks. Big difference.

Robert Pattinson can’t go anywhere without women falling at his feet, and for a while last week we thought we knew why. No, it’s not because of his dreamy hair or the way that he plays a romantically-idealised vampire in a crappy movie. And, no, it’s not because he appears to be so strapped of anything approaching personality that females can easily project their desires onto his big blank face without obstruction.

No. It’s because Robert Pattinson stinks so horrendously that all his stale sweat particles clog up their nostrils, starve their brains of oxygen and cause them to fall into near-instant unconsciousness. It’s a neat trick, Pattinson, but we’re on to you. We’re on to you, you hear?

Or maybe we’re not. Because, following last week’s reports from sources on the New Moon set claiming that Robert Pattinson is a great big stinking bumguff who brushes his teeth with clods of animal dung, takes baths in tubfuls of steaming gypsy piss and wipes his bottom with other people’s dirty bottoms (we’re paraphrasing), Robert Pattinson has gone on the offensive to tell everyone that he does wash now and then, as it happens. Monsters And Critics reports:

When asked about the rumours, Pattinson said: “I do shower! And besides I haven’t even been on the set yet!”

We can’t tell you how upset this news has made us. Robert Pattinson really does have it all – good looks, nice hair and armpits that don’t smell of a cheese convention in a wee factory. We’re distraught. Honestly, those rumours about Kristen Stewart having a penis and a telescopic chin had better be true, otherwise we’ll have nothing left to live for.

But anyway, how did Robert Pattinson know that people said he stinks? Simple – it’s because he Googles himself regularly. He said:

“I admit I do look for myself sometimes. I used to do it a lot more before. Now I only look at the negative stuff. I just want to know whoever’s saying negative stuff, I want to remember their names. I write it all down in my black book.”

That’s hecklerspray with a small h, Rob. All one word. Much appreciated. Ta.

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Comments

  1. Jody says

    You are pathetic. I have read several articles that stated Robert’s hygiene is not the greatest, but not one of them exaggerated it as much as you have in your article. To be able to take a rumor and completely inflate it the way you have is completely ignorant. Smelly or not he is a very talented young man who is going to go very far with his career. I would love one person to write an article about some of Robert’s qualities instead of taking one flaw and blowing it up and writing about it for months. Have you smelt Robert? If not, how can you write an article based on what you heard from a mystery person on set? Send Robert my way, I will smell him and write an article describing how exactly he really smells!

  2. JayAnne says

    Stuart Heritage wishes women would want to get close enough to him to smell anything about his body.

  3. wth says

    What best describes you, Stuart?
    Sick or Mental?
    Or just a jealous bitch?

    Your article isnt even worth looking.

  4. Julian Mentat says

    I am horrified by the comments from the USA. Obviously the natives over there can’t tell the difference between a real article and a piece of satire that was never meant to be taken seriously, like Dubya’s presidential candidacy.

  5. uptonogood says

    Very funny satire. Thanks Stuart. Hey guys, ease back – it’s the articles that are intended to be taken seriously you should slam.

  6. Keith Emmerson says

    I have smelled him up close, in fact he invited me too.
    Have you ever been to heaven? That is what it was like, heaven in a nasal passage.

  7. matt says

    That article was hysterical, true or not………..the guy is ugly. Has a flat face, never seen such a look. His 15 minutes are almost up. Trust me, I am nowhere near a teen………and I know a vapid face when I see one.

  8. says

    This: ‘…a cheese convention in a wee factory’
    had me rolling! But not as much as the Princess Pissy Pantses who googled Robert Pattinson, found this article, didn’t take the time to READ it properly and commented anyway, taking it all VERY SERIOUSLY INDEED. D’oh!

  9. keri says

    I really am getting tired of all the rumors. People need to get a life and quite making things up. I also wish that Robert would get on the sites and answer some of the comments that are posted on them.

  10. Ashlee says

    I certainly don’t have anything bad to say about Robert Pattinson. He’s so gorgeous that even if he did stink, I wouldn’t mind getting close to him! He can add my name to his black book anytime!

  11. Caro says

    well i rally don’t know why people are saying all this things about Robert. Have they really smelled him themselves. I don;t believe that he stinks as bad as they say he does. Any one that writes about a person based on what other say is really ignorant. I know people that have been up closed to him and tell me that all this people that are saying this are a bunch of liars. Good thing he does not take the time to answer to all this crap, he is just focusing on what he has to do. Keep talking about him after all u are helping his fame!!!!.

  12. CorporateSheep says

    I will be so glad when we move onto the next rumor cause this one is really getting old =) Robert, you better keep that black book handy until you get a decent publicist sweet pea.

  13. Jody says

    Sounds like someone is JEALOUS! He is FAR from ugly. And trust me, I am not a teen nor a lonely woman. I do not strive for attention, in fact, I get plenty of it!

  14. Jennifer says

    some of the things said are rather harsh. who cares if he so call smells. That is his business. He seems to be a great hardworking, very talented, caring guy. I hope he never pays attention to any of this except that he has a lot of fans, including myself, and to keep doing what he is doing if it makes him happy. Isn’t that what it is all about anyway. Keep up the good work Rob!! I bet you smell great!!

  15. Sissy says

    You are a pathetic Loooseeerrr!!! I did not finish reading your article, as always you are using Robert for people to read your crap, GET A LIFE!!! GET LAID!!!! AND LEAVE HIM ALONE !!!!!! BIATCH!!!

  16. Jane says

    I think that a lot of stars are jealous of Robert Pattison and that is why they are telling this junk on him. He does not appear to be unclean on any of the sights I have seen him on. Also his hair is beautiful and the most beautiful bedroom eyes I have ever seen. I am not a young swooning teenager but retired and never have I had a crush or been an active fan of anyone even Elvis or The Beatles. But this young man can go far if he stays as shy and unabsorbed in himself like most of the actors who have so much self ego that they don’t even need fans. They worship themselves. All I can say is please Robert don’t let the gossip get you down. It only makes you more sexy and desirable to the young girls. Stick with the movies you are doing (except ASHES). I saw the previews and thought it was boring and stupid. Hated to see you in that because it makes you look artless and stupid. But you can do other better movies and keep the girls singing your praises. Also I think you and Kristen Stewart rock on Twilight. I sure hope to see more between you two. I have read the books over and over and seen the movie a hundred times. Hang in there!

  17. muse says

    Why do you have to categorize adult women that appreciate Robert as “lonely”? WTF? You have to be lonely to think that he is aesthetically pleasing? That’s kind of rude and offensive. There are a lot of older men that young girls find attractive and you don’t say mean things about that. What about older men that lust after girls in their early 20′s? I’m curious – How do you classify yourself? I happen to think that Robert is completely dreamy and I am a happily married mother of two.

  18. Hendrix says

    Twilight is sh|te but this guy is a great actor – check out his other stuff and no I don’t mean HP. He’s also a talented lyricist, vocalist and musician. The lack of personality statement screams jealousy. He’s shy but hilarious and witty.

  19. Stina says

    I never heard of the guy until I was watching tv this morning and what is this world coming to when we have to broadcast how someone smells?? Really who is with this guy everyday in the shower anyway to know if he really showers??

  20. Julian Mentat says

    Maybe he’s a vampire and his special skill is the ability to project a bad smell?

  21. Amanda V. says

    I love reading comments from people that are obviously jealous and/or bitter. Not just about this, but about other things too. I find it so funny that they hate something or somebody so much, but still click on and read articles about them and then post comments about it. Do you people really have nothing better in your life to do other than waste time looking for things you hate so you post comments declaring your hatred about them?

  22. Amanda V. says

    Thank you for calling out the author of this “article” (if you can even classify it as that).

  23. Snapper Winsten says

    Well Stu I hope you’re happy. You’ve pissed off every horny female this side of the moon. It never ceases to amaze me how easily these people get their panties in a bunch.

  24. Nicole M. says

    This article is horrible…there is nothing funny about this at all and i usually have a weird sense of humor. Its sad that people are saying these things. Rob is a gorgeous man and yeah he isnt like all of the other baby faced metrosexuals you see everywhere…thats what we love about him! He’s a MAN…and a sexy one at that!

  25. Nicole M. says

    i hate the article but i have to admit that this made me laugh out loud! ppl these days.

  26. TBonz says

    LOL!
    Obviously this is poking fun at other “news articles”
    that won’t stop about these kids looks/ hygiene.

  27. runcible says

    This might be the most accurate piece written about Rob yet! (insert chuckle) The only thing more ridiculous than this is the actual ‘articles’ being written about Rob. Funny. Obscenely over the top, but funny.

  28. nobzy says

    Oh
    my
    god.
    The combined IQ of most of the responses to this article is so low I can’t calculate it. Present company and a few others excluded.
    *chuckle* like how u worked in a swipe at bushy boy *cyberhi5*
    :D

  29. Ashley English says

    Okay so is every one telling me they have never had bo or had a bad hair day or had stinky breath ! well who cares if he does let me see you get up and act in front of billions of people and tell me your not nervouse or you wont get pit stains grow up get on with life and leave him alone!
    yah he is a fantastic actor and the hottest man I have ever seen but hes only human so leave him alone and let him do his job! xoxo

  30. girl says

    you suck stuart (or at least this articledoes) Rob pattison doesn’t smell, acuathe cautlly does shower for thse who still belive he doesn’t. I lvoe Rob pattison and him as edward. Ilove the mvoeis and series and I lvoe all the actros. Hell according to Rocehlel alfyere on an interview at much on dmeand at much msuci, (tel vide phone), she stated thar Rob smells normal. liek any other guy who sohwers but without the clonge. Oh yeah I think he was hot with his preivorus hair but looks hot with his new hair cut and stills looks hot even with his new do growing otu abit. . I mean he diad admit to havign wearing hte smae shirt on an itnerview that he on a previous day, ubt a hsirt is usually good for 2-3 days or maybe he rewashed it. but yeah what iswrogn with you? are you just jealous?

  31. anonymous says

    robert pattinson does not fuckin stink…seriously..all those people who are starting rumors that he stinks need to get a fuckin lif..coz obviously they are so jealous of Robert and they have nothin better to do than criticize Robert…i hate them!!1

  32. Kandra says

    I love reading these also due to the bitterness/jealousy and agruments that are started over someone that they don’t even know. It’s amazing how passionate one can become over a crush on the screen. LOL

  33. Kandra says

    Maybe he has and you just don’t know it because he does not claim it’s him. And even if he signed his name, you probably wouldn’t believe it was him anyway.

  34. Kandra says

    Can I just say that bad publicity is even good publicity when you are trying to make a career in show business. So let everyone state their opinions whether you agree with them or not.

  35. taylara says

    you or whoever this is loves to rash on people. just stop! it’s pathetic, and rude-and TWILIGHT IS NOT A CRAPPY MOVIE! i saw twilight so much, and i myself have to say that all my entire school loves it! i mean, we all have stinky days, and i bet YOU smell. By writing this excuse of an article, you’re probably breaking his soul right now… just as bad as someone who runs a genocide! Robert has a reputation to follow through, and by writing this, he’s losing respect for his fellow fans. i think tat mystery person on set really is jealous of Rob that he got to play the lead role, and whatever BEEF that person had with Rob, should GRILL it up and eat it! That person has no respect for anyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Kellan Lutz or Jackson Rathbone….
    to be continued….

  36. taylara says

    yea ur rite. they wuld do somtin like thah. twilight doesn’t suck. this person does smell, 2

  37. Hayley says

    Who cares if he stinks! Stinky men rock!! He’s gorgous, and talented. He has my vote stinky or not!

  38. says

    Hahaha this is the funniest thing I have read in ages! I love the way this person has taken the lame articles and inflated them into this genius piece of satire, which if read properly you would realize is poking fun at the moronic people writing the serious articles of pointless garbage.

    By posting negative feedback about this author and how they are pathetic and should be ashamed of inflating this rumor to this extent are just proving yourselves to be prudish illiterate fools, who can not take a joke, whether it is Rob’s joke about his hygiene or a well written satirical piece such as this.

  39. says

    Um kirsten stewart having a penis?? Thats rude and Disgusting. When I was in the FIFTH GRADE people would talk about this shyt. Wow. Just wow.

  40. samantha johnson says

    ok well listion you stupid people
    if he did stink wont you think that bella would of told us..omg people get real
    robert pattinson is the best edward ever!!your all just jealous of him bc hes famous..and its silly..lay off of him..

  41. Emily says

    I dont think rob stinks. so whoever started that rumor is just so jealous of him they started that rumor which is so not true cause how can a guy that looks like that stink? but i love u robert pattinson??

  42. Robin says

    YA’LL ARE SO FREEKIN STUPID, IT AIN’T EVEN FUNNY! YA’LL JUST WROTE THAT ARTICLE CAUSE YA’LL ARE JEAOULS OF HIM! HE HAS THE LOOKS THAT YA’LL COULD NEVER EVEN DREAM OF HAVING! YA’LL NEED TO GIVE HIM SOME SLACK. HE COULD HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION THAT HE MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT THAT COULD BE CAUSEN HIM TO STINK, DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT? NO. YA’LL WERE JUST BUSY SPREADING RUMORS ABOUT WHO SEEMS TO BE A PRETTY NICE GUY. LEAVE HIM BE!!!!!!!!!

  43. jackie says

    Why don’t all of the jealous people in the world get a life, I mean seriously you say he stinks that is so immature and just stupid like elementary school. I really doubt a man like him would have a problem with that. First of all he seems like he was raised in a good loving family so I am sure that he took showers as a child and now he’s grown so I’m sure he would continue the habit , secondly he has plenty of money to buy himself some very nice colognes so I really doubt that he stinks. Anyway if someone like him so genuine, real, hot, and talented as hell especially his music which is so powerfully soul touching, could get away stinking and no one would probably care. Good luck with your future stay positive and who cares what people try to say about you when you know yourself.

  44. Ashley says

    I can’t believe the bull**** being put in the news. Haven’t you people ever heard of someone making somthing up for the sake of dragging someones good name through the mud. Reading stuff like this makes me so mad that I could just spit. I feel so sorry for Robert, it’s bad enough he’s having a hard time dealing with his new found fame. You can tell he’s uncomfortable when you see some pictures of him. I find him utterlly endearing. I hope whoever started these stupid rumors bites their own tongue in their sleep every night.

  45. says

    Thank you I thought so, all the other comments just either made me laugh at their stupidity, shake my head at how utterly dumb they were, or cringe with how utterly over the top they were! I felt the need to insert one that set people straight but it didnt work people have still posted more utterly stupid comments under this one!

    Sigh, guess some people are too stupid to understand!

  46. Lisa - Marie says

    i would just like to say that just because someone says something about someone else doesn’t make it true. Robert Pattinson is a good actor and has a lot of fans out there that don’t really care if he stinks or not (not saying he does) because he is a good actor and it is hard to think of a better actor that could possibly play Edward in tthe twilight saga and as a fan myslf i feel sorry for obert Patinson and hope he doesn’t read this stuff aout him as it would be horrible if h started to doubt himself over peoples stupid rumours. x

  47. bobobob says

    wow, does it really matter how much some hot guy stinks? Honestly people, what’s with the huge fuss? Go smell him before you write he stinks. Obviously the author could write a decent article if it wasn’t about something so stupid.

  48. bec says

    Well i think were dealing with a case of professiona jealousy here. This actor wants to be rob so bad he writes spiteful articles that are totally not true, ONLY IN HIS DELUSIONAL MIND! this writer needs to get a life and stop attacking rob!

  49. bec says

    lol obviously it is a lie because the original rumor came from ” the set” and robert pattinson hasnt even been on the set yet!

  50. Tammy says

    Lol i do not believe this at all!.
    Robert pattinson is sooo lovely, you can tell just by his interviews he’s down to earth. And i’m sure he has showers, that’s just crazy saying he doesn’t…
    Okay so i do like Robert Pattinson a lot. But to be honest it’s because most people are jealous of him, because he’s a lot more handsome then they are.
    You wouldn’t be able to play a vampire, would you?, or a tortured artist, or any of the roles he has chosen to play.

  51. tasha kelly says

    THAT IS ALL JUST A BUNCH OF BULLCRAP!!!!!
    YALL BELIEVE THAT STUFF Y DO U THINK THEY CALL IT A ‘GOSSIP’ PAGE CUZ ITS GOSSIP ITS NOT TRU THE PPL THAT POST THIS CRAP R PPL THAT HAVE NOTHING ELSE 2 DO BUT POST A HOLE BUNCH OF FAKE CRAP AND MAKE PPL MAD!!!!!

  52. MARY FROM MOON-MOSCOW says

    it is so silly! Really there is no theme more interestingly? It the remarkable actor and the talented singer. All these awful hearings simply delirium! And people which speak about it so are simply worthless!Be the clear head Robert and do not listen to anybody!

  53. Gaby says

    this is crap non ov diz iz true cuz m in c’mon all u ppl:) just jelous cuz ya ain perfect like him n i swear if robert pattinson(mah sweetheart) new who it was i think he would punch all ov yall a** who is sayn dat bull sh**

  54. Gaby says

    i know im w/you cuz mah baby couldn stink!!! he is so purrfect n diz iz just a gossip pge:)

  55. Gwenie says

    Thanks to all the gossip, our love, Rob Pattinson is even more famous. Who doesn’t love to shower? No big deal man, get it off your heads! Let’s just credit him not of his personal life (we are out of it) but of his professional career. Let’s help him more to make his up coming movies successful and then everybody’s happy! Take it easy Rob, you have to somehow accept the fact that you are a public figure now and people will really talk good or bad. Anyway most important is that you have more fans than your detractors and you have more reasons to celebrate your fame than spend time reading nonsense stuff.

    All the best to New Moon and Eclipse.

  56. Butch Decossas says

    I can’t believe I’m commenting this stupid rumor. I should go get my life together. Butch Decossas

  57. mollie says

    ummmmm, well i guess im one of those lonely adult women fans?… i dont know if i would say im a fan…but i am supposed to be working right now, and im not, instead im ignoring my responsabilities and hideing in my apartment and posting this pointless little thing here…its harder to be a fan of rob when you have a job and a kid and bills to pay and no fucking time to sit and ooogle over his pictures and quotes and videos! its not fair! fuck you little tweenie bitches and all your free time, you dont even feel stupid or guilty after posting a comment on one of the various internet shrines….aww fuck it. im a loser. so anyways,rob, if you ever do read negative stuff about yourself like this hilarious blog(?) about your body odor i hope it is refreshing to you. i mean you of all people know what your really like and well, theres just no way anyone could be as great as all these tweenies and goth homos think you are. its just not realistic. you know that. and really, this whole odor thing is just a rumor, but it may be a cultural thing too…dont all british people smell like stale cheetoes and bull semen? joking! but…do they really? oh yeah, i think i saw somewhere that you promote the band tokio hotel? i hope not. if you didnt really say that i would clear that up, they fucking suck. sooo…thats it i guess.

    your biggest fan in denial of being your fan,
    mollie

  58. BoBo1214 says

    Are you kidding me??? Gimme a cloths pin and I will dive right in!!!!
    Hot, hot, hot.Someone probably just messin with him anyway.

  59. Cecelie Ekse says

    I don’t believe a word of it! I don’t think you stink,even though I’ve never met you and probably never will because I live in Alaska,and you probably won’t visit Ketchikan will you? I didn’t think so. Oh well. I also have a tendency to talk to much and to fast(only when I’m excited.) I you saw me sitting on my deck today, you would have thought I was a corpse. Because I’m so white! Okay if I write any more I’ll get sucked in and I won’t be able to stop. That happened once….OKAY twice. Alright bye.

  60. belle.. says

    im a HUGE fan of the twilight series.. to say whether or not i believe this rumour, would be a waste of time.. but in respect to the series i feel obligated.. Rob- i think u were great as edward cullen i couldnt imagine anyone else more perfect for the part.. although.. i wouldnt say that ur sexy, gorgeous or watever.. to me ur just a great edward.. i have to say im freakishly in love with jackson rathbone (jasper) mmm mmm mmm yummy..ok so to the person who started this rumour- ‘get a life’ im forced to wonder how old u are.. this could only be said by someone around the age of 9 or 10.. so think of how mature u really are.. and if ur older than that then.. GOD! u have a serious problem.. jealousy can stoop people to amazing unimaginable levels.. and to the people who carry out this behaviour- JEEZ! have u guys actually smelled him..? u people are sooo gullible.. for the twilight haters out there.. how can u not like the movie or books..? u guys must be really dead in the inside, people with no emotions..

  61. hamm9887 says

    if he wasnt nice and wondering why millions scream over his presence then maybe people would come up with better things other than saying that he stinks..that is so elementary school! gosh! bless his heart..he’s going to regret being famous b/c people are stupid..and he has joked on almost every interview about his hygiene..they need to come up with something better than what he already jokes around about!

  62. Elena Danvers says

    What makes me laugh the most (apart from the hilarious articles) is that people come to this website and post angry comments without even bothering to look up the word “heckler” beforehand.

  63. Bunny says

    Seriously….how do you ban Twighlight fans from commenting on anything? If I find a way will you PLEASE do it? A simple maths, English or grammar test would do.

  64. NJ says

    It’s amazing how when someone’s got “it” the rest of the world feels the need to bash it. He’s got it..write what you will, it won’t change that

  65. Arkansas says

    Robert, if you are reading this crap just laugh all the way to the bank! You seem to be a very nice, down to earth man. Stay sweet like you are now and don’t worry about what people say. You can’t please everyone! Now you do need to quit smoking because smoking can make you smell badly and make you all wrinkled. And this is all before it kills you. So please quit smoking and keep everything else the same. Tell Kristen to ignore the press instead of flipping them off. This looks better.

  66. says

    robert pattinson don’t stink all because robert pattinson look like he stink’s it don’t mean he dose stink ok so all of you who know robert pattinson don’t say he stink say he smell’s good ok so he don’t feel hurt ok i’m not saying it just to say it i’m saying it because it’s the truth ok bye.