Robert Pattinson Is A Big Stinky Bum Boo Boo, Apparently
Robert Pattinson’s hair is one of the great mysteries of the age – how does he get it so unkempt and dirty-looking?
Mystery solved. If you want your hair to look as bedraggled as Robert Pattinson’s, the secret formula is dirt. And encrusted sweat. And probably bloody fleas or something. The point is, Robert Pattinson never washes and smells like death.
That’s not idle slander – a source from the New Moon set said so. Robert Pattinson stinks like a diarrhetic tramp in a house of animal corpses, and he still gets more girls than you. How rubbish does that make you?
Finally! Now everything makes so much sense. Now we know why Kristen Stewart can’t be in the same room as Robert Pattinson, why Kristen Stewart promises that she hasn’t had sex with Robert Pattinson and why Kristen Stewart always strops around with a face like a Daily Mail-reading slapped arse. It’s because Robert Pattinson smells like rectums.
No, really, he does. Robert Pattinson smells like a mixture of damp cabbage and the deepest recesses of an obese person’s fat-fold. It’s true. Robert Pattinson smells like earwax and halitosis. He does! Robert Pattinson smells exactly like a dog does when you force-feed it pasta until it starts farting. In summary, then – Robert Pattinson smells like your nan’s armpit after you’ve chased her up a hill.
How do we know that Robert Pattinson smells so bad? Because an unidentified source who works with Robert Pattinson on the New Moon set says he does. And that’s all the proof we need. MTV reports:
“He stinks. I mean, it’s awful. He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy,” the source said about Pattinson’s personal hygiene. “He completely reeks,” an unidentified crew member added.
See? And these are both quotes from people who definitely aren’t men jealous of Robert Pattinson’s appeal with the ladies or women who think they have a marginally larger chance of snaring Robert Pattinson if they spread a number of cruel lies about his personal hygiene in the press. They’re definitely not either of those. Unless they are. Which they probably are, in all fairness.
It’s poor Dakota Fanning who we feel worst for – when she signed up for New Moon, she must have thought that the movie would catapult her back into the mainstream. Instead she’s going to have to spend a couple of months trying not to breathe through her nose or, worse still, she’ll die of complications from a pioneering surgical procedure involving having full-size Febreze candles inserted into her sinuses. Is that what you want, Robert Pattinson? Do you want Dakota Fanning to die of complications from a pioneering surgical procedure involving having full-size Febreze candles inserted into her sinuses? Is it?
Still, at least this rumour has cleared one thing up – why Robert Pattinson looks so sexy. That’s not brooding intensity in his eyes. That’s the moment of realisation that the smell of dogshit that everyone’s been complaining about for the last hour is actually coming from his own dirty balls. But, you know, stretched out over an entire lifetime. Possibly.
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!
ENOUGH WITH THE STINK RUMORS! Whoever spread these rumors is a moron. Don’t believe anything unless it comes straight from Rob himself.
Here is an interview with Rob denying the stench rumors:
http://www.moviefone.com/insidemovies/2009/03/27/robert-pattinson-talks-gossip/
YOU GO GIRL!! PROOF!!
rob is a moron, you mean.
Jealous of a book to retard?
Is retard a verb now? Like, “Nikki was retarding all over the comments section, completely incapable of intelligent thought or using correct grammar”?
I am really getting tired of rumors about this! And I don’t mean to sound rude, but seriously, move on to another subject!!!
I wish they would move onto something more interesting.
Although it’s funny to think that the ugliest star I’ve seen in a long while (with no personality to boot) has no chance with any of the girls who’d fantasized about him.
Well… maybe he would, considering how most of them are so fan-tarded.
Yes, I wish people would stop talking about it to because clearly the director was talking about this rumor and said yes they all stink because they all run all day through scenes in the new movie new moon so GET OVER YOURSELF AND QUIT READING ABOUT HIM IF YOU DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!
Did you write this because you dont like the books or is it just him?
Because Im sorry to tell you but the guys that was starting this shit was the ones who will playing the werewolves in this SO GET A MOTHER FUCKING LIFE & QUIT BEING JEALOUS OF A FUCKING BOOK DUMBASS!!!
Oh yeah.. You really are ugly so you must just be jealous of him and I was just wondering if you were fag? If not shut ur mouth next time! lol
Rob P is the antithesis of English men. He has a full head of hair, a discernible jawline and is vaguely handsome. A good lot of English guys are god-awful fugly, rude and drunk or about to get drunk. I know this because I’m not English so I have a good basis for comparison and I’ve lived here for 10 years. So I’m very happy that there is at least one English guy that I find attractive rather than the majority that make me want to retch repeatedly.
Although I liked the book Twilight (not so much the others), I thought that the movie sucks and that Rob or Kristen could act to save their lives. All that hesitant stuttering made me want to slap the both of them silly. I didn’t even manage to watching the ending as it was that bad. So it wasn’t a good movie despite all the gushing gals out there who are trying to convince themselves otherwise. The New Moon trailer proves that we’re in for more of the same crapola.
I must say that your comments about RP are hilarious though. And judging by the way you write, you must also be English as you use a lot of jargon from here. So I’m thinking you’re probably one of the majority of the men I’ve described above even though in your pic it looks like you still have hair (although I know it’s thinning) so chances are the majority of the diatribe aimed at RP is due to a little jealousy perhaps?
Ya, probably.
This story is so disgusting and I don’t beleive it. I have seen some photos of Rob and interviews where he has said he doesn’t wash his hair all the time. But I still don’t beleive he can smell that bad. I really don’t care how he smells i would still want to get as close to him as possible. NO MATTER WHAT!
Mr. Stuart Heritage (Hecklerspray.com) ………. you must be the most unhappy and envious person on this earth. Rob and Kristen are 2 young and upcoming stars. They are both so cute (together or not together – they are cuteness!!). They are shy during an interview; they are not pretentious in front of fans. If you can not say one nice thing about someone – KEEP YOUR DIRTY MOUTH SHUT!!
I’m going to go ahead and say it: this is one of the most hilarious comment strands I have ever read – only bettered by Stuart’s wonderful paragraph five (especially the bit about nan’s armpit).
Congratulations Hecklerspray.
I think if cheekyrectum dislikes England and its residents so much then all Ican say is if you don’t like it get out and go back to wherever you came from, scum!