Robert Pattinson’s hair is one of the great mysteries of the age – how does he get it so unkempt and dirty-looking?
Mystery solved. If you want your hair to look as bedraggled as Robert Pattinson’s, the secret formula is dirt. And encrusted sweat. And probably bloody fleas or something. The point is, Robert Pattinson never washes and smells like death.
That’s not idle slander – a source from the New Moon set said so. Robert Pattinson stinks like a diarrhetic tramp in a house of animal corpses, and he still gets more girls than you. How rubbish does that make you?
Finally! Now everything makes so much sense. Now we know why Kristen Stewart can’t be in the same room as Robert Pattinson, why Kristen Stewart promises that she hasn’t had sex with Robert Pattinson and why Kristen Stewart always strops around with a face like a Daily Mail-reading slapped arse. It’s because Robert Pattinson smells like rectums.
No, really, he does. Robert Pattinson smells like a mixture of damp cabbage and the deepest recesses of an obese person’s fat-fold. It’s true. Robert Pattinson smells like earwax and halitosis. He does! Robert Pattinson smells exactly like a dog does when you force-feed it pasta until it starts farting. In summary, then – Robert Pattinson smells like your nan’s armpit after you’ve chased her up a hill.
How do we know that Robert Pattinson smells so bad? Because an unidentified source who works with Robert Pattinson on the New Moon set says he does. And that’s all the proof we need. MTV reports:
“He stinks. I mean, it’s awful. He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy,” the source said about Pattinson’s personal hygiene. “He completely reeks,” an unidentified crew member added.
See? And these are both quotes from people who definitely aren’t men jealous of Robert Pattinson’s appeal with the ladies or women who think they have a marginally larger chance of snaring Robert Pattinson if they spread a number of cruel lies about his personal hygiene in the press. They’re definitely not either of those. Unless they are. Which they probably are, in all fairness.
It’s poor Dakota Fanning who we feel worst for – when she signed up for New Moon, she must have thought that the movie would catapult her back into the mainstream. Instead she’s going to have to spend a couple of months trying not to breathe through her nose or, worse still, she’ll die of complications from a pioneering surgical procedure involving having full-size Febreze candles inserted into her sinuses. Is that what you want, Robert Pattinson? Do you want Dakota Fanning to die of complications from a pioneering surgical procedure involving having full-size Febreze candles inserted into her sinuses? Is it?
Still, at least this rumour has cleared one thing up – why Robert Pattinson looks so sexy. That’s not brooding intensity in his eyes. That’s the moment of realisation that the smell of dogshit that everyone’s been complaining about for the last hour is actually coming from his own dirty balls. But, you know, stretched out over an entire lifetime. Possibly.