14-year-old girls, this is an advance warning. Starting now, you need to drink as much fluid as you absolutely can.
Because on May 31, you’ll be called upon to unleash the greatest involuntary urination of your already impressively urine-heavy lives. Why? Because on May 31 a brand-new, previously-unseen clip of New Moon will be shown at the MTV Awards.
Worse still, the New Moon clip is going to be introduced by Robert Pattinson, which seems like overkill. After all, Robert Pattinson OR New Moon equals gross involuntary urination. Robert Pattinson AND New Moon probably equals a bit of involuntary pooing, too. Ugh.
In our opinion, the New Moon producers are getting it all wrong. We understand their need to build hype ahead of this year’s Twilight sequel New Moon, but they need to remember that their target market is every screaming 14-year-old girl on Earth. For instance, today will see the release of the first-ever New Moon movie poster, and it’s likely to cause more shrieking and crying and hysteria than any other mostly-black piece of paper with a badly-airbrushed picture of Robert Pattinson on it in history.
And that’s enough – the New Moon fans will get three or four months of use out of those posters, whether they’re writing ‘Mrs Pattinson’ on them thousands of time to see what their signature will look like once they’ve married Robert Pattinson, or cutting a mouth-hole in Robert Pattinson’s face so they can practise tongue-kissing it, or scratching out Kristen Stewart‘s face and writing ‘I HAYTE YOO BICH’ across it in Tippex. The New Moon producers don’t need to deploy anything else just yet.
But they are, anyway. Because it’s just been announced that, at the MTV Movie Awards at the end of the month, Robert Pattinson is going to premiere an exclusive clip of New Moon. MTV reports:
“Twilight” stars Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner will be presenting an exclusive, never-before-seen clip from their upcoming vampire sequel “New Moon” during the live broadcast.
See? That’s almost word for word to what we’ve already said, so it must be true.
But why tell us about the New Moon clip almost two full weeks before its debut? Have you ever met a 14-year-old girl, New Moon producers? If they don’t literally burst with excitement waiting to see the clip, then they’re going to start self-harming because it’s so far away and nobody understands what it’s like to wait almost two weeks for some brief footage of Robert Pattinson standing around like some sort of gormless toilet brush in a bad movie adaptation of a bad book. No good can come of it, we promise.
So what can we expect to see in this New Moon clip, anyway? Shots of the Wolf Pack? An unveiling of Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen in their new roles? Just a meaningless string made up of lots and lots of endless shots of Robert Pattinson doing nothing that’s so tedious that most normal people will end up clawing at their faces with their fingernails just to pass the time?
Yes. That one.