New Moon Wolf Pack: Twilight Gets Homoerotic

New Moon, Wolf Pack, New Moon Wolf Pack, Twilight, Robert PattinsonHear that distant rumbling sound? That’s the sound of a fast-approaching tidalwave of teenage urine. To the trees!

But what’s caused all this epic adolescent incontinence? Why the picture to your right, of course. It’s the New Moon Wolf Pack. Now, we’re not sure what the New Moon Wolf Pack actually do, but we suspect they’re either the shadowy band of brothers who protect Bella from vampires in the book and film of the same name, or the public faces of a new unauthorised Twilight late night premium rate gay chatline.

Oh, who are we kidding? It’s definitely the latter.

You know what? If we were Robert Pattinson we’d be cacking ourselves stupid. Seriously. First Taylor Lautner was almost sacked from New Moon unless he hit the gym and beefed himself up, and now Twilight producers have unveiled the New Moon Wolf Pack – a gang of musclebound shirtless studs who look like they’d beat the living daylights out of you just as soon as they’ve finished watching Gok’s Fashion Fix and licking Greek yogurt off each others’ nipples.

So why would we be worried if we were Robert Pattinson? Simple, because if the Twilight series is getting increasingly shirtless, then it’s only a matter of time before he has to show everyone his ghostly-white, entirely concave pigeon chest and bare arms that look like they’ve been made out of damp wool. And that – coupled with the fact that his toxic underarm man-stink would kill everyone in a 50 mile radius the instant it was freed from its cottony shackles – would be the end of his stint as a teenage heart-throb.

But anyway, the New Moon Wolf Pack. Apparently their names are Alex Meraz, Chaske Spencer, Bronson Pelletier and Kiowa Gordon, and this is what they’re going to look like for the entirity of New Moon, only less obviously photoshopped. Oh, go on then, here’s a full-size photo…


Aren’t they dreamy? Dreamy and freakishly hairless. Mostly freakishly hairless, now that we come to mention it. Anyway, just because they’re four young men who enjoy each others’ company and partial nudity, there’s nothing gay about the New Moon Wolf Pack. Nothing at all. USA Today reports:

The Twilight sequel is filming now, and between takes, the actors usually are working out with barbells, doing push-ups or chowing down on steak, Weitz says. “They went through wolf camp together, and they are in constant training. It paid off as a bonding thing for them and helped them to get to know one another. They drove each other to get more buff.”

Oh alright, maybe it’s a little bit gay. But what’s wrong with that? Nothing. Twilight‘s full of stuff that all heterosexual men will clearly enjoy – like sensitive boy-vampires who sparkle in the sunlight – so it wouldn’t hurt to balance things out a bit, would it?.

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  1. says

    Oh Goodie! Love viewing semi-naked wolf men it’s just one of my ‘things’.

    Can’t wait for the scenes they toss their trousers, grow fur and morph.

    They drove each other to get more buff. Mental image of the ‘drove’ part very nice.

  2. Sissy says


  3. malia says

    dude, they’re native! I’m hawaiian and all my polynesian brothers are not all hairy like you palefaces, and neither are the native brothers. Smooth, tan, and built-don’t hate on them brown brothers! It’s so awesome that some mormon minivan driving soccer mom has unleashed so much unintentional lusting among the female population, from ages 8 to 88…god bless her and her bored housewifed ways that brought about hot vampire boys and sexy native dudes who are only dressed in the incredible hulk chonies….

  4. Sadrienne says

    I must say…NAtive men are HOT! Chaske Spencer, makes my world melt. Da boy is on FIRE! Oh how I would love to meet him. Don’t hate on these sexy, smooth, tan, and built NAtive men. You hairy guys are just jealous…


  5. anon says

    OH mama. Those are some veryvery sexy native men. Bronson Pelletier is sexy. Though I did see Matthew Strongeagle playing one of them. Nomnomnom. sexysexysexy. -grins-