In New Moon, Robert Pattinson only appears in Kristen Stewart’s mind. Turns out she’s a right old chuffing pervert, too.
Why? Because some paparazzi photos have emerged from the New Moon set, showing Robert Pattinson topless and strutting around with a six pack that’s as impressive as it is obviously painted on.
So Robert Pattinson is topless in New Moon. Big deal – all the teenage girls were already going to see it 25 times regardless of how many Robert Pattinson nipples are on display. What about including something for the boys instead, like sleeping pills or an entirely different film? Huh?
Twilight, if you could hear any of the dialogue over the sound of every teenage girl on Earth simultaneously screaming, wetting themselves and involuntarily farting with glee, was all about chastity and courtly love and all kinds of other hokey fairytale tropes. But not New Moon, though.
No. Where Twilight‘s main inspiration seemed to come from a 1931 government pamphlet entitled All The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If Engage In Sexual Intercourse Before Wedlock, New Moon‘s main inspiration seems to be the gay porno movie Rampant Buttplug Twinks On Heat 4.
We’re not joking. First Taylor Lautner was threatened with the sack from New Moon unless he worked out enough to look like a mid-price rentboy instead of a dirt-cheap malnourished one. Then the New Moon Wolf Pack were introduced – four identical-looking topless boys who wear the haunted expression of people who know that they’ve used up Donatella Versace‘s entire stockpile of fake tan and expect death at every turn. And now comes the inevitable conclusion – Robert Pattinson has got topless as well.
Entertainment Weekly has posted some topless Robert Pattinson paparazzi shots taken on the New Moon set. Why is he topless? Here’s EW‘s guess:
We’re assuming these new paparazzi pics are from the scene in which Bella rushes to stop Edward — who believes she’s dead — from stepping into the sun and exposing his sparkling body to the masses so that the Volturi will be forced to kill him.
Oh yeah? Well we’re assuming that the pictures are from the scene where the New Moon producers realise that, on the off-chance that all this faddish Twilight hysteria dies down before New Moon‘s release, they’d better make the entire film as thumpingly homoerotic as possible. You know the scene – it’s the one directly before Robert Pattinson and the Wolf Pack have an epic swordfight with their willies and then kiss each other with tongues.
Seriously though, we can’t help feeling that all this gratuitous Robert Pattinson nudity is a mistake. Sure, it might lure all the teenage girls to see New Moon, but it’s bound to repel most male moviegoers. Why can’t New Moon redress the balance by sexing up the female stars, too?
Oh, that’s why. It’s because the only female stars of New Moon are Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning, and if you sex either of those two up you’ll end up blind or on a register somewhere. Our mistake.
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Rouge says
Hey, that was a good column! Thanks for that, Stuart!
I will point out that you will also end up in a register somewhere if you sex it up with Taylor Lautner. Or even if you just think about it. (Which I wouldn’t anyway, because why waste the time and energy when RPattz is at hand?)
One thing though – if we’re going to blame someone for the display of Pattinsonian nudity, it should be dirty ol’ mormon Stephenie Meyer, not Chris Weitz or the tweeny fangirls. She’s the one who wrote the scene, when RPattz was just an unkown extra on the Harry Potter set. So, while my head agrees that the whole scene is gratuitous and borderline insulting for Robert ‘Man-meat’ Pattinson, my heart says, ‘Thank you Stephenie’.
mmy4est says
oh, get over yourself! Finally, a movie with some man-candy. How many so-called chick flicks have us women had to sit through showing women in varying stages of undress? Now we have a movie showing us some nice male bodies, and you men are grousing. Stop it, let us have a little fun. (btw, I am a woman in my 50’s)
maddd! says
freak shutup
all movies have girls tunring up nude and in this if rpattz is going half naked then wats ur problem!!! all gurls are liking it !! let us live in peace!! U go watch some flick having some nude chicks while i will sweat it out to see rob’s hawt body! okay!!
Vicki says
It’s funny how over the years we women have had to endure watching movies with females in all stages of undress, but when we finally get some eye candy of our own, you men complain. I’m guessing it’s because most of you realize that you couldn’t compare in the slightest way to this male God. And trust me, I’m not a little “screaming, wetting, farting teen”, I’m a married woman with three kids- this man appeals to ALL ages, as does the Twilight series. In my opinion, he’s not naked enough.
Sonia says
Hey Vicki,
I couldn’t agree more. Like you, I’m married with two kids, and Robert is a male God. All this huff about him being topless, while we still have to watch chicks getting completely naked in almost every movie (in order to attract guys movie-goers, of course).
Stuart, get over it!
Melissa says
Stuart – jealous much???
rpattzismyheroin says
Ok Perez Hilton, you can quit pretending you didn’t get all hot and bothered over the photos, and just the mere mention of him topless! Lord knows you mentioned the premise of homosexuality often enough to attest to that!
Taylor was threatened because his charachter has to look bulked up and mature to fulfill his duties in the next book, get your facts straight! I also have to disagree about the female stars! While names you mentioned are appropriately measured by you, I have to say Ashley Greene and Nikki Reed are very pretty ladies, and have quite the cult following of their own!
The books were made for teenie boppers numb nuts, as the movie was meant to be too! What do teenage girls do to actors and the like? Fantasize and dream, so Summit and Stephanie Meyer are simply giving them the means to do so! I don’t know, I think I’d rather have my daughter sitting down gawking at half naked guys and obsessed with something this trivial! At least unlike yourself, she knows which ship she should be rocking!
flaminaim says
I agree with you, for so long it has been accepted that women should have to disrobe on screen. It is about time the women get something in return.
flaminaim says
I applaud your comment, I am also a married woman with two kids. Do people think that older women (meaning not screaming teens) don’t have passionate feelings as well. We may not be going crazy like some of these girls, but we can still dream!!
Katie says
Wow. Don’t be a hater Stewart. You are obviously jealous! If you read the book, New Moon, you might have noticed that the character, Edward, Strips off his clothes to step out into the sun in the plaza in front of a crowd of humans to expose that he is a vampire so the Volturi vampires will kill him. His skin is sparkly in the sun so it would be obvious to any human that he is not one of them. He wants to break the Volturi’s rule of not letting any humans know about vampires so that they end his life. He doesn’t want to live without Bella. That is why he was forced to be shirtless in the movie. It’s actually kind of romantic.
The Werewolves are also shirtless through most of the book because they have to “phase” from wolf to human quite a bit and end up ruining a lot of their clothes. It sounds like the producers and directors are actually staying close to the way the book was written. The only variance that I have heard is that instead of Bella just hearing Edward’s voice as described in the book, they are actually making her have visions of him. THANK GOD!!! This was a wise change on their part. They know Pattinson is the main draw of the movies and the book doesn’t have Edward in it much other than the break up in the very beginning and the ending when Bella and ALICE go to Italy to try to stop Edward from getting himself killed.
I am not a teen but I have no problems with all the shirtless hot men and Pattinson IS SCORCHINGLY HOT. Most movies have gratuitous half or completely naked women in them while the male actors are clothed. We women sit through these scenes without bitching so you and the men who might be too insecure to watch the hot men need to stay at home or see another movie or be MEN and deal with what we women have put up with in movies all of our lives.
I can’t wait for the rest of the series of movies to be released. I plan to see them in the theater as well as to buy the DVD’s so I can pause, play in slow motion and rewind at all the shirtless hot man candy scenes!
Vicki says
Amen Katie :) :)
Amanda says
While I agree with the women on Rob and Taylor, I don’t think Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning should be so easily dismissed. If you read the books and truly loved the character of Bella (as I did), you would see that Kristin is perfect for this role! Bella is supposed to be average, just like the “anygirl” in all of us. That is the beauty of her relationship with Edward, that it could be an average, clumsy simple girl who gets the hottie! I think that Kristen is beautiful and her looks are actually downplayed to fit her to the role, which she does extremely well. Dakota is also the perfect “Jane” Young, angelic-like, with a hint of danger and evil. She is also a beautiful girl but in a way that makes her look delicate and safe, which is Janes biggest asset. All the girls hold their own and any guy who doesn’t appreciate a movie without gratuitous sexuality is watching it fo rthe wrong reason!
Suzan says
I SO AGREE WITH MY OLDER COUNTERPARTS, I’m 57, a Grandmother of 3, ranging from 13 to 2 years old. I readily admit there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not checking out the websites for the young, uniquely handsome Mr. Pattinson. I just wish I were his Mother or Grandmother. He’s a great actor, and finally getting to see a male figure topless (haha) with abs is great, made my heart start beating again. I’m so sick of looking at cleavage, nipple bumps, and ass cheeks on CHICKS, I could puke. Thanks Stephanie for writing this Saga and thank you Chris W. for the film and some MALE BOOBS for once.
barbara says
All of the men out there who are complaining about Rob being shirtless in New Moon, my husband included need to grow up. you don’t hear us women complain when Angelina Jolie or some other female hottie parades around on film completely naked. it’s about time someone decided to do a movie with Completely gorgeous, utterly flawless male eye candy running around half naked in them. I would like to thank Stephanie and Summit Entertainment for that. my husband says I’m obsessed with R Pattz and he’s right how can you not be when he’s so breathtakingly beautiful. he doesn’t understand the hubbub surrounding Rob. any man who feels threatened by a hot guy because his wife, girlfriend, or even female friend finds him attractive need to get off their high horse. Rob will be appearing on the big screen for years to come and if he is so inclined to walk around half naked or completely naked. (God please!!) while doing it, then i say go ahead Rob. don’t be bashful.
jessica anne howe says
hay there, robert is like the hottest guy on earth and that i really want to put body chocolate on his body and then lick it off and that put the cream in the spray can on his body and then do the same if your with me email me at [email protected]
ROBERT PATTINSON IS LIKE THE BUTTER ON MY MUFFIN
ROBERT PATTINSON IS LIKE THE CHOCOLATE ON MY MUFFIN
HE IS A HOT, STEAMY, PHWR, SEXY, HANDSOME, GOOD LOOKING, TONED MAN AND HE LIKE THE GOD OF ALL ACTORS IF YOU DON’T LIKE HIM THEN THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.
ROBERT IS HOT
ROBERT IS HOT
ROBERT IS HOT
ROBERT IS HOT
TWILIGHT DONE
NEW MOON DONE OUT BY NOVEMBER 20TH/ MAYBE A BIT EARLIER BECAUSE IT IS A HIGHLY WANTED MOVIE THIS YEAR
ECLIPSE FILIMING IN OCTOBER 23RD 2009 OUT BY MAY 23RD 2010
BREAKING DAWN FILMING IN JULY 13TH 2010 OUT BY JANUARY 2011
MIDNIGHT SUN
FROM JESSICA
Paulie says
Wow, you ladies really need to get laid.
darcy says
hey jerk yeah you paulie you need to get a life
and you are a sik pervert
mehranbiz says
Braless women look many times more innocent natural and attractive without any fake false or artificial thing, Natural innocent curves of her breasts prove that she doesn’t need the support of any fake false or artificial thing to support our breasts and prove the health fittnes and firmness of her perfect figure