Sure, it meant Taylor Lautner had to make one film where he barely registered because everyone was creaming themselves dizzy over Robert Pattinson and his ridiculous homeless haircut – but in the Twilight sequels, Jacob is a lead.
Jacob, mind you, not Taylor – according to reports, everyone thinks that Taylor Lautner is too much of a scrawny little pissbag to play Jacob in Twilight 2, so he’s doing everything to save his job. If you need him, he’ll be over there mainlining doughnuts.
The official title for Twilight 2 – which we’re still going to keep calling Twilight 2 out of nothing more than petty spite, by the way – is New Moon. But perhaps a more appropriate title for it would be New Everything, because that seems to be the way that Twilight 2 is going.
First Twilight‘s director Catherine Hardwicke was booted off the sequel – because, as we later discovered – she wasn’t Golden Compassy enough – and now it looks like Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob Black in Twilight, might be headed for a similar fate. Where will this end? Admittedly you could quite easily substitute Robert Pattinson for a plank of wood with a repulsively matted whore’s merkin on top of it and nobody would be able to tell the difference, but come on.
The problem seems to be that, in Twilight 2, Jacob Black becomes a sinewy, muscular werewolf. And meanwhile Taylor Lautner looks like a threadbare pipecleaner that’d burst into tears if you stared at it hard enough. We’d say that you could play the xylophone on Taylor Lautner’s ribs, but it’s not true – you could play the toy xylophone on Taylor Lautner’s ribs, but any songs you attempted would make a sound like a lonely pensioner sighing with disappointment because the postman hasn’t come again, and what’d be the point of that? Taylor Lautner is, in short, a weed.
So, with the news that the Twilight producers are keen to switch him with the larger Michael Copon from Scorpion King 2 – an actor who looks exactly like Lautner would if he had 15 snooker balls implanted under his skin – Taylor Lautner has decided to do something about it.
And that’s why, as we speak, Taylor Lautner is in the middle of a Rocky-style training montage that’s a bit lighter on the ‘running up stairs’ part and a little heavier on the ‘having melted cheese poured into his mouth through a funnel for 16 hours a day’ part as People reports:
“I have been working out. I’ve been working out since the day we finished filming Twilight. I just weighed myself today; I’ve put on 19 lbs.,” Lautner told MTV on Wednesday night. And Lautner says he’s meeting this week with director Chris Weitz to make ? and show ? his case. “I’m guaranteeing Weitz 10 more [pounds] by filming,” the star said at the InStyle-sponsored bash in West Hollywood.
OK, maybe we’ve been a little unkind to Taylor Lautner here – it’s actually completely admirable that he’s met his criticism head-on to keep his place on Twilight 2. And we honestly hope that his sudden 13kg weight gain will convince Chris Weitz to let him star as Jacob Black for the rest of the series.
True, if he does keep his job, Twilight 2 might need a rewrite to make Jacob the first borderline-obese werewolf in history who travels everywhere on a Segway because he gets out of breath even walking to the toilet any more, but the Twilight fans want what they want.