Twilight is well-known for three things: 1) it’s popular, 2) it’s rubbish and 3) ooh Robert Pattinson! He’s so dreamy!
The first one of these is undoubtedly a good thing, and the third one at least distracts from the nagging sensation that Robert Pattinson is basically an even-less charismatic Orlando Bloom with better hair, but the second one? That could well be a problem.
So, to try and make Twilight 2 less rubbish, it’s been announced that Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke has been bumped out of the way to let someone else have a bash at the sequel. Which is, um, news. We think.
Twilight – the book and movie series that makes people sorry they ever slagged off Harry Potter – can’t be stopped at the moment. It’s still riding high at the box office, its Fisher Price Columbine soundtrack is still making 14-year-old girls feel deeper than they actually are and Twilight star Robert Pattinson is still the heart-throb pin-up of the moment – a role he’ll enjoy until he goes bald and everyone realises that his skull is shaped like seven spanners in a deflated balloon.
However, if there’s one thing that can be said about Twilight, it’s that it was rubbish. Unstoppably, majestically rubbish. It didn’t matter, of course – cinema ushers still have to scrub the 14-year-old urine out of the seats after every showing – but that’s mainly because nobody has ever invented a 14-year-old girl who wasn’t an idiot.
Metacritic gave Twilight 56%, while Rottentomatoes was slightly less forgiving, awarding it 55% – the same as huge hits like Vacancy and Ocean’s Twelve – and that was no good for Twilight‘s studio. They didn’t want to make a hokey abstinence-promoting emo film about nothing – they wanted to make art.
So who should Twilight’s rubbishness be blamed on? The actors? Stephenie Meyer, the woman who wrote the poxy thing to begin with? The cloth-eared dickface who decided to put Paramore on the Twilight soundtrack? No. It looks like the blame is being laid at the feet of Catherine Hardwicke, Twilight‘s director.
Despite being the woman who, just a few short weeks ago, gleefully announced Twilight 2 to the world, it’s just been revealed that the movie has been snatched away from Hardwicke and will be directed by someone else. Reuters reports:
Hardwicke had until recently been thought a candidate to direct the sequel but word began to circulate in the industry that her relationship with series producer Summit Entertainment has not always been smooth. On Sunday, Summit confirmed that Hardwicke would not direct the film, saying in a statement that its plans to release the film in late 2009 or early 2010 did not mesh with Hardwicke’s required prep time.
OK, we take back all that stuff about art. It seems like Catherine Hardwicke has been shoved out of the way of Twilight 2 because she wants to take her time and make the adaptation the best it can be, while Summit is just crapping itself about getting all four Twilight movies released before its audience hits 20 and suddenly realises what an unmitigated pile of nonsense the whole thing is.
So who’s going to direct Twilight 2? Well, given the time constraints, the pro-religious subtext, the fact that Catherine Hardwicke directed a movie about baby Jesus once and the way that only someone really desperate for work would seriously consider directing it, there’s only really one option.
You heard us. The ‘Mel Gibson for Twilight 2‘ campaign starts here.
Jovie says
Wow. This is incredibly mean spirited writing Stuart Heritage.
You are a talented writer but this is simply much too harsh. Twilight tells a good love story it really is that simple, unfortunately the film didn’t capture the story from the printed page.
I’m a woman in her twenties and I just thought I should let you know how I felt after reading your article.
But power to you anyway, Stuart.
Jillian says
Well I have to sort of agree, as bad as that sounds because I have read all four books. They’re cheesy. Plain and simple. 14 year old girls do worship the crap outta of the books as they will the movie. I think saying that 14 year old girls are all idiots is a little F***ed up. They’re 14, what do you expect them to like? 14 year old boys are crazy about anime and that sh** is stupid or ‘rubbish’, I suppose you say that because you must be British. Either way this series is going to make as ton of money and way to go for hitting another demographic. I think with these next installments there will be a way bigger budget that will account for bigger sets, actors, and I think most importantly special effects. I’m pretty excited but I do wish Catherine Hardwicke was able to stay on the movie. A female director was perfect for this. A story about love, first and foremost, plus it was also written by a woman to a female audience. Whoever this next director is better bring on the excitement that I know this story can deliver. I just want special effects, so if Hardwicke can’t do that then I guess I’m not too upset that they will bring in another director. ??
JJ says
Good. Maybe they will actually get a blonde to play Rosalie now.
HighSchool Billy says
This is unfortunate. Hardwicke had a true talent for depicting vacant sewage on equally vacuous tweener brains who wouldn’t know, or understand, good cinema if it bit them on the neck. Whoever is choreographing Miley these days should be a good candidate for directing the next piece of tripe for the ravenous tweeners. Somebody who graduated high school so that the cinematic standards of the “tweens” can be upheld.
Marisita says
“…its Fisher Price Columbine soundtrack is still making 14-year-old girls feel deeper than they actually are…” THAT was gold! Paramore and Linkin Park – that’s deep, man!
Hilarious article and delightfully honest. The movie was shit, and frankly, Hardwicke’s adaptation of the fluffy books was akin to a straight-to-VHS B-rated 80s romance. Yeah, that bad. Apparently no one told her that she has to alter her style based on the type of movie she’s doing. Just because it stars teenagers doesn’t mean it should be shot in the same “gritty” indie style of Thirteen.
The only reason this was a box office smash has nothing to do with the direction, or, for that matter, the painfully awful acting styles of Pattinson and Stewart. It was sheerly because the 14-year-old fans were already in love with the books and so long as their favorite lines from the books were quoted they would squeal happily no matter what.
Not that the next movie has to have a big budget by any means, but if they could actually use slightly better special effects, and make Pattinson “sparkle” more than shoving a little glitter make-up on him that someone picked up at the dollar store on the way to the set (so, you know, he doesn’t just look like he’s ready to go get trashed at a gay bar)they might have some hope at a semi-successful sequel.
Elke says
I am sure that there are plenty of intelligent people out there who enjoyed both the movie and the books.
Do you have a prejudice against young actors starting out with opportunities that will give them the chance to become better actors? You make yourself sound like a man going through his mid-life crisis who is angry about going bald and wishing he could project it on a young man who is probably just as shocked as the rest of us at all the hoopla this has generated.
Didn
Jackie says
If you think the book series and the movie are crap, that’s fine. It’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. However, there is no need to bash 14-year-old girls. The comment “nobody has ever invented a 14-year-old girl who wasn
Bey says
I’m a twilight fan and I found this article brilliant. I do agree, the books were corny and the movie was even worse (reason being a fan is becuz I’m still in my “endofharrypotter” post-deppresion). a new director wouldn’t be the source of the problem, yet it does seem to help. If you look at the harry potter movies, everytime they get a new director, the movies stop mainly focusing on the young readers and start bring in older viewers because they become more epic (or becuz both the characters and book fans are growing older). Who knows, this new director mite create a sequel expanded from the 14 year olds and low self esteem teens/twilight moms. They mite actually add in some action this time. I mean c’mon, y make a movie about enemy vampires and werewolves and have only a less-than-3 minutes action scene.
Andrew says
The books are great, the movie was great (and I’m an 18 year old guy).
And stop saying Twilight 2 – the movie will be called “New Moon”.
jill says
Stuart, before you go on a tirade on something which you know nothing about, read the books, watch the movie and go get yourself laid. You are a mean, insulting person who KNOWS NOTHING. You say it is rubbish,well that certainly coincides with the 119 million dollars the movie has made.
Francina says
Your post is kind of stupid first of all YOU should be the one doing your research. First:Paramore were desperate to be in the twilight soundtrack if you don’t believe it google it. Second its called NEW MOON. Third: not all the fans are 14year olds. FYI: the majority of fans are older than that and we could relate to this story because it reminds us of how our first love use to be.
My advice to you is: Google before you post another nonsense like this. Oh and read the books.
Good bye
Danielle says
Stuart if your gonna bad mouth Twilight you should at least have a reason to. You need to read the books and see the movie instead of just repeating what other people said you are an ass. You need to lay off of Twilight the book is awesome and the movie probably could have been better but it didn’t suck. If the movie and the book were horrible then the book wouldn’t be a bestseller and the movie wouldn’t have made millions. So get your facts straight.
rowan says
hahaha, lmao! this is soooo true! i’m a teenager but unlike the other dunderheads, i actually realize that twilight has about as much substance as cotton candy. and to think people are saying it’s the new harry potter…or worse yet, BETTER than Harry potter? egads, how strong is the drug that they are hitting? =))
10 years from now, the so called die hard twilighters would look back and shudder at the mania and hype they perpetuated. 10 years from now, new generations of readers would pick up a copy of twilight, read the back summary and realize that it’s nothing but crap. thank heavens for that. for now, we just have to suck it up and gleefully anticipate the day this ridiculous farce comes tumbling down.
Brianna Hosey says
You don’t have the right to dis Twilight when you don’t understand, You are a male, and you are not giving a baize opinion. It is really childish and immature that you would say that about 14 year olds, maybe they took it a bit overboard but, at least they are reading how many teenagers read any more? This book could open a door to them so they can see what books can be like. I thought it was a very well written book, a book that females need to read to make them feel like true love really does exist which you obviously couldn’t have or ever understand your just a stupid unemotional, unfeeling man!!! So grow up and act your age
Natalie says
SHUT THE HELL UP! all you old pathetic movie critics are doing is insulting teens! 1st of all 14 year old girls arent idiots,and you have no right to say that. second of all have you ever been in love? no? then you cant even relate to these stories. twilight could use some fixing up, but it does not suck, you do =P go read the books.
christine says
This so-called wannabe writer is obviously an idiot. I rest my case.
Nicole says
Well all you guys did a great job! covered everything i had to say. So yea… Robert Pattinsons freakin sexyy! tha books n movie R GREAT!! & cant wait for New Moon!
Soraya says
I like the book.
The movie SUCKED.
Stephanie Meyer says
Wow, I thought the article was funny. Then I got to the comments and couldn’t stop laughing. First, I’m surprised anybody at all would take an article on a site called Hecklerspray to heart. Just from the name, you know the entire premise is to bash things. Second, of course teenage girls (and some older women) would go nuts for this book/movie, its about a “normal” “average looking” girl who falls for a sensitive yet dangerous badboy who literally sparkles and his only flaw is overprotectiveness. Obviously they’ll overlook the facts that he has no discernable personality, Bella is so dependent on him she falls apart, and if you removed all the modifiers from the books, you’d be left with 12 page fairytale that would have the Brothers Grimm rolling in their graves.
My point is, no ones asking to be defended on the internet because all the people involved have their sacks of $money$ to comfort them. Please, go read literature that doesn’t make women look like helpless sacks poor decisions. And watch movies that have real aesthetic, artistic value. Maybe even, god forbid, a message.
Sam says
are you serious? you guys are so stupid. if you don’t like twilight, why is the bejesus would you write about it? leave stephanie alone, or get a life.
Mandi says
SHUT UP PLEASE…
TWILIGHT WAS AWESOME, NOT BY THE CHARACTERS, BY THE STORY AND THE SONGS..
AND ALSO 14 YEARS OLDS ARE NOT STUPID, EVEN OVER 14 YEARS OLD WATCH THIS MOVIE, BECAUSE OF THE BOOKS AND THE SOUNDTRACKS.
AND IF U GET SOMETHING TO SAY, HIT UR SELF, THEN RATHER INSULTING HARD GOOD MOVIE PRODUCED BY DIRECTOR AND WRITTEN BY STEPHINE…
GOD.@@@
Dustin says
14 year olds are not stupid, you have no right to say that,you were 14 once were you not? I like the books and i’m a boy,so just leave the Twilight series alone and go back to your bed in your mother’s basement you piece of filthy rubbish.
alyssa says
thats just mean..
very mean.
i ? twilight..
and what an a** to even say that.
you need to shut up.
and stop bagging on something that is a lot better than you think!
allie says
i think that when you said that it was stupid to put paramore in the movie i think you are down write dumb!! paramore is an amazin band and they fit perfect in the movie. im 14 and im not stupid. yeah we might be madly in love with the movie because stephine meyer is one of the best writers alive. the books were amazin.i love theses people below me because they are all write.
allie says
i meant to say above me!!
Hanna says
Okay, first of all this was SO wrong of somebody to write! And second, 14 year old girls that are idiots? Oh come on! They’re 14! Apparently YOU’RE the idiot! And third, Paramore is a VERY awesome band! I’m sure they’re WAYY better at singing then you anyday!!
I hope you know that you have offended alot of people like me, and im 13! And I suggest that if you want to write a good review about somthing, that you remember other peoples feelings except about YOURSELF! Oh and next year when i turn 14, I’ll remember that I’m a idiot. Yeah thanks alot dude!
And teenagers dont freakin pee themselves at the movie theatres! Have some common sense dude! they are WAY more mature than that! And the reason why they scream is because they have somthing that they are passionate about, and they arent sure how to express it. So the first thing that came to their minds; Screaming.
And seriously, you need to grow up! Apparently you have no life, and don’t care about the TRUE facts! Well I hope you know that you have made a total ass of yourself!!
Anonymous says
you are a douche-bag.(:
Anonymous says
I kind of agree with you, except for a few parts. Not all 14 year old girls are idiots. But anyway, yeah. The book had absolutely no substance and it’s trying to trick little tweens/teens into thinking an overprotective, no personality guy is the perfect prince. Seriously, he broke her car so she wouldn’t go visit Jacob or something. (Yeah, I read them). That’s not the perfect guy. That’s a complete psycho. And to be honest, I get a little annoyed at the other girls who come into the class every day and literally scream Robert Pattinson’s name at the top of their lungs. But oh well. It’s just another craze that will someday die.
Hayley May says
You sir, need to get a grip on reality, my MOTHER liked the books and the movie more than any 14 year-old girl did! So if you think 14 year-old’s are idiots, then your calling every Twilight mom and other older fans morons for watching it too huh? I have a few words to say to you,
OUIT-YOUR-JOB!
You do nothing but piss people off, and one of these days, some crazy fan is going to hunt you down, and you will die the slowest possible death a pencil eraser can deal… DON’T PISS THEM OFF! Thank you…
Carlie says
alright, seriously? you really need to know what you’re talking about if you’re going to rip on them. unlike you, i actually have a brain and think about my insults before i say them.
first of all, the new movie will be called New Moon, not Twilight 2. a person who’s about 70 years old could figure that out.
secondly, what makes Paramore trash? but then again, i suppose you’re a sexist little b*stard who thinks girls can’t be in good bands. am i right? yes, i am.
third, when did all 14 year old girls become idiots that are in love with Rob Pattinson? well, then, i guess i can’t be called a 14 year old girl! so sad. what you said, my friend, is a STEREOTYPE.(hopefully you’ll understand the long words. it’ll certainly be tricky for you.) who said all girls needed to like Edward and Rob? darn, i guess i’m not a girl, either! thanks, now that you’ve destroyed all my hopes and dreams.
honestly. you get paid to write crap like this? dude, get a life.
dinora reyes says
it is obivious that you didn’t read the books another wise you has a writter would have understood the movie, and you don’t have to attack the actors to state an opinion about the movie, it doesn’t hold its credit when you do, you should learn from professionals if you are allowed to write an article, I guess like actors, writters are also allow to express their rubbish that is what makes freedom great!
Anna says
Well, I’m 14 and I don’t think I’m an idiot for liking Twilight – the books, not the movie.
Robert Pattinson honestly isn’t that attractive to me and the girl in the movie that plays Bella (I honestly don’t know her name and I’m not going to waste my time figuring it out) doesn’t portray Bella in the book. The movie just looks horrible. I haven’t seen it and I’m not planning on it.
THANKS.
anonymous says
both the movie and the books sucked you can’t get around that. The books were poorly written, repetitive, cheesy, and quite frankly really annoying. Whenever it even came remotely close to hinting at something that could POSSIBLY resemble a literary element it ruined it by then explaining it to death and dragging on and on continuously about the same over-used themes and ideas. Given that, the movie didn’t really stand a chance, and somehow managed a script that was written even worse than the original books. All the script did was take quotes from the book, which as i established before, are already cheesy, and somehow manage to make them more melodramatic and unrealistic (ex: “I’m only afraid of loosing you!”) and then try to add in new “hip” language that might sound at home in Juno (ex: “climb on spider monkey” i mean seriously WTF)
all of you commenting are really just proving this guys point tho… seriously obviously he knows that the 2nd movie isn’t called twilight 2 because he would have had to do research on the series to learn that twilight’s director won’t be directing New Moon. By calling the second movie Twilight 2 it diminishes and devalues the integrity of the movie and book by making it sound like a cheesy spin off (which it actually kind of felt like in the book new moon) this was most likely done purposefully. and by adding the comments about 14 year old girls salivating over it, the author shows the ridiculous measures that fans go too, over a fictional story that actually isn’t that good. and while some of the comments were harsh, they show that the author has little respect for young “tweens” who worship main stream media crap like twilight, hannah montana, the Jonas brothers etc.
seriously its like none of you have ever taken an english class. So heres some advise before you post again about how twilight is an amazing piece of literature and that authors like this along with the college educated journalists that review the books are just being mean to poor stephanie: go through the book, look for something thats particularly well written and poetic sounding, or is symbolic and shows deeper meaning, and then post in an educated, mature manor. Who knows by doing that maybe you could actually prove some people wrong.
uN NEEDED says
i ThINK dAhT tHERE iS GOING TO BE A TWILIGHT 2
Claudia says
Hey! Whatever it takes to make 14 year old’s read…. Haven’t you noticed that reading is a dying art? Anyway….if you found the books cheesy, how come you made it to the #4. They are quite long……