No no no, this won’t do at all. Everyone knows that Comic-Con is a place for lonely, slightly pallid boys.
That’s how it works. They wander around a giant warehouse whooping at Damon Lindelof and then go home to beat one out over the rapidly-fading memory of the booby model employed to dress up like She-Hulk. Lonely girls at Comic-Con? No. Lonely girls at Comic-Con who make noises like faulty rape alarms whenever Robert Pattinson is about to take his top off? Definitely not.
But that’s basically what happened when New Moon was unveiled at Comic-Con yesterday. It sounds unbearable.
The problem with Comic-Con – other than the fact that it probably smells quite strongly of Savlon – is that it’ll let anyone in now. It’s not just a comicbook convention any more – it’s where any old filmmaker can go with a couple of castmembers to show 30 seconds of footage of their upcoming movie to a roomful of social inadequates because a 14-year-old executive at their studio told them that it’d be good for the movie’s buzz.
Take New Moon, for example. It’s not really Comic-Con fare – purely because it’s not based on a Marvel comic and there isn’t a single scene where a sexy female scientist lets her hair down in slow motion – and yet yesterday at Comic-Con, New Moon turned up to show itself off and probably pave the way for the giant 2010 Sex And The City 2 Comic-Con panel featuring Sarah Jessica Parker titting around in a great big bloody shoe.
But we digress. New Moon turned up at Comic-Con yesterday with a handful of new clips and, more importantly, its stars. All the New Moon favourites were there – Robert Pattinson, some other people who aren’t Robert Pattinson so nobody really cares if they live or die – and, as AP reports, the whole thing sounded so awful that we’d be genuinely surprised if footage of the event didn’t end up on a terrorist training video by the end of the year:
High-pitched screams drowned out the introductions. Those same shrill screams also threatened to overwhelm the dialogue. The first showed Jacob teaching Bella Swan how to ride a motorcycle, but she’s distracted by visions of Edward. She crashes, and Jacob sheds his T-shirt and uses it to soothe her wound, provoking more fangirl screams. A second clip featured Bella running through Italy to save Edward. He, too, doffs his top in the scene. Screams ensue.
Call us cynical if you like, but all these topless scenes make it sound like New Moon is playing directly to its fanbase of a) shrieking hormonal teenagers, b) lonely middle-aged spinsters and c) other idiots who were once shrieking hormonal teenagers and will be lonely middle-aged spinsters but still feel the need to go onto the internet and carp on witlessly about the fact that they don’t happen to be either of those two things at this precise moment in time.
Oh, we’re only joking. In fact, we think it’s great that films like New Moon are getting their spot at Comic-Con. Non-traditional it may be, but New Moon’s pioneering Comic-Con panel will allow other similar movies to take their place at next year’s event. Films like, ooh, Polly Pocket’s Gumdrop Princess Wonderland and the long-awaited movie adaptation of the late-night GayXchage TV adverts from the mid-1990s. Stuff like that.
Kevin says
Wow… what a banal, shrewish and petty article. Bitter much, Stuart? Really, your non-stop waspish drivel clearly shows that you have some issues to deal with.(May I suggest seeking professional help?)
Do your vitriolic verbal attacks on this convention, its attendees and its guests somehow make you feel better about yourself?
All your snarky little comments and barbs reminded me of a bitter old drag queen watching a fashion show.
haha says
Uh…I think you missed the point entirely.
Aaron says
This article made my morning. Thanks :D
ThisGuy says
In response to Kevin’s comment above, you should relax. Did you really see the article headline and think it would be some greatly insightful, informative article? Honestly, what did you expect? it was meant for a laugh and thats what I’m sure it provided for most. You, on the other were annoyed to the point where you felt it necessary to spend, who knows how long, flippin through your pocket thesaurus to drum up the vocabulary to try and sound astute enough to be making such an observation. Pro help? Original. So if Stuart felt better by writing his article, do you in turn feel better about yourself now that you’ve attacked him?
Julias says
Wee wee….hee hee heee…Stuart Heritage…
sure sure says
Man I wish I was there! I love Taylor Lautner!!!! I would have been one of those people scream the whole time!!!! Im rly excitied for this movie!!!!
Casey says
You are so right on.
Last year, I left Hall H before the Twilight panel because I couldn’t take the chatter and yelling the 14 year olds any longer. I had the misfortune of being in line in front of a quartet of annoying Valley gals. :Shudder: I wanted to poke my eardrums with an ice pick.
Sunny says
Sadly I did not find any 2009 screaming Youtubes yet to retrieve but do love this one from last year: Rob is lovely.
I disagree with the ‘wee wee’ – likely something else streaming from the screaming female crowd. *wink*
Now I must go carp on witlessly (I am quite good at this) someplace about the fact I don
Chino1 says
I agree, Comic-Con should just be a convention for up and coming Marvel comic movies, and comics in general, i mean hollywood has its own platform to promote meaningless vampire movies for 14 year old girls and mothers who want to be 14 years old again. I loved the fact that Comic-Con provided an atmosphere and a place for the Comic lovers to gather and show our love for Comics, now it has just become another tweenie bopper screamfest, as if they dont have enough venues already to do that.
Dont these girls realize that Vampires dont sweat as Edward did in the cafeteria scene in Twilight, and did they even notice that Edward’s hair color is different in New Moon than it was in Twilight Maybe if the script writer had a bit more of a clue on how to keep the movie as close to the book as possible, just maybe i would like this movie and praise it in all its entirety and maybe if a non talented actress like Kristen Stewart didn’t act in it i think i would probably like it. But seriously find another platform to promote the movie and leave our Comic-Con alone.
AJ says
Love your writing, Stuart. Huge fan of your work. Just wish you’d stop using the phrase “rape alarm.”