Mel B was always our favourite Spice Girl; there was just something about her that suggested she'd go on to greater things – like getting knocked up by him out of Norbit, then getting dumped by him and embarking on a bitter DNA lawsuit with him.
Mel B wasn't called Scary Spice for nothing, you know, as Eddie Murphy is slowly beginning to find out. Although people originally called Mel B Scary Spice because she wore tight tops and shouted a lot, Eddie Murphy is realising that the only way you get to see Mel B's really scary side is to get her pregnant, say the baby isn't yours, leave her and then refuse to take a DNA test when the baby is born. Because that way Mel B will sue your arse all the way to the frigging moon.
It's no exaggeration to say that Mel B and Eddie Murphy had the most romantic courtship of any couple in the history of the universe. Forget all your flowers and chocolates, Eddie Murphy and Mel B showed us that the real secret to true love is to quickly get matching tattoos a few days after you meet and then keep having it off until the female gets pregnant.
Actually, no – that was a typo. We didn't mean 'the real secret to true love', we meant 'the single-most fucking cack-brained thing you could ever possibly wish to do.' And we don't think that either Mel B or Eddie Murphy would disagree with that.
Because just after Mel B got knocked up, there was old Eddie Murphy on a Dutch TV show saying that he'd split up with Mel and that he didn't even think the baby was his anyway. Following that the battle lines were drawn – Mel B hired a bunch of lawyers and Eddie Murphy threw a strop after losing an Oscar, then Mel B had to get the police to save her from angry Eddie Murphy fans and Eddie Murphy refused to go to England under the mistaken belief that everyone here likes Mel B enough to take him to task over this whole baby thing.
Eventually Mel B pushed out a little girl and named it This Is Eddie Murphy's Baby or something, and that's where we are now. Except that Eddie Murphy, after claiming on television that he wanted the baby to have a DNA test, seems to have suddenly changed his mind now that the thing has been born. And that means that Mel B is getting the lawsuits ready, as People reports:
"He's not doing a DNA test and he's not signing the birth certificate," Brown told PEOPLE Tuesday at a party for the U.S. launch of the BOOTS beauty brand in Hollywood. "So it's going to have to go to court so he can be forced to do it, which is strange since he was the one asking for it."
It'll be interesting to see where this whole Mel B/ Eddie Murphy DNA saga goes next – if it's anything like the similar Anna Nicole Smith DNA saga then we can expect one of them to make a softcore porn film, paint their face up like a hellish clown and then die. And an old impotent German will pop up somewhere. Probably. Oh, we don't know.
Read more:
Scary Spice Melanie Brown: I'm Taking Eddie Murphy To Court – People