When hecklerspray's relationships head south, things tend to get ugly. We broke up with the DrudgeReport and 13 lawyers showed up on our porch the next day to collect a crummy CD collection we didn't want anyway.

When we dumped allnews.com, our own mother didn't speak to us for weeks. And ebaum'sworld – well them we're telling right now – come get your cat, fatty!

Mel B, AKA Melanie Brown, AKA Scary Spice, AKA one of two Spice Girls we've yet to wrestle, has a pretty similar relationship problem. Her ex-beau Eddie Murphy still has some fans apparently, and those fans hate Brown for her "my zygote be half Murphy's" malarkey.

And not only do those fans hate Mel B, they hate her enough to set up a semi-permanent camp outside her LA residence so they can regularly scream about their hatred of her. This is really starting to remind us of our junior prom.

hecklerspray's heart is currently breaking for Mel B. She's in a real pickle you see, and we worry nightly about her well-being. She's currently all alone in LA, all alone and very, very lonely. We offered her a few relaxing days in our Venice Beach bungalow, but apparently she's too good for our friend's grandmother's pull-out couch.

Now if you remember, it wasn't long ago that Mel and Eddie Murphy were wicked in love and galavanting the world around. They were getting ill-chosen tattoos together, relentlessly holding hands, and a Murphy sperm-soldier even drilled so far into a Mel B lady-egg as to result in a pink-striped pregnancy test, if you catch our drift.

Well, that's one side of the split anyway. The other side – Murphy's side – is that the baby is not his, and he wants a baby DNA test before he assumes any sort of parental responsibility. And Eddie Murphy's legion of fans, well they stand firmly behind him. They hate Mel B, and tell her so on a daily basis from the safety of their hooverville on Mel's LA sidewalk or something.

That's right. Some Eddie Murphy fans set up camp outside Mel's house so they could properly scream at her on a pretty daily basis. It's gotten so bad that a permanent policeman has been placed outside her residence to 'keep an eye on things'. This strange situation is really weighing on the former Spice Girl too – a source in the know said of her:

"She is extremely lonely in LA and her life is being made intolerable by Eddie's fans camped outside. They shout insults and give her abuse all the time. She was living with Eddie before all this happened and spent all her time with him – now she's all alone. She can't understand why he hasn't even bothered to phone and explain what is going on. Mel is incredibly hurt by it."

We, the majority of the staff here at a very self-referencing h-spray, can't stand to see a baby in such peril. We shall raise Brown's baby as our own, and we shall allow it decent employment at a shoe factory when we feel the time is right for us to not work anymore. It wouldn't be the first time we took on such a hefty responsibility. We're currently in the process of adopting Malawi Dave out from under Madonna, and we've been breast feeding Corey Haim out of a fake boob-bladder until he gets back to a healthy weight.

We're good people, us.

Read More:

Mel B's police guard – Monsters & Critics