You've only just read the headline, and already you find yourselves plagued with the mental imagery of a donkey/human hybrid high-stepping around a gaudy stage in sparkly-platform shoes.
It's a shocking image, it's true. Lucky for us Mel B isn't pregnant with the traditional oat-nibbling, Mexican-toting, puddle-drinking donkey type. No – she contains the seedling of one Eddie Murphy, a donkey-voiced man our sources tell us is really full of sperm. Mel B and Eddie Murphy are also said to be planning a knot-tying sometime next month, a ceremony which hecklerspray will have to decline when our invite arrives.
Seriously, we take Ginger's side.
Mel B (AKA Scary Spice, AKA Melanie Brown, AKA the Spice Girl whose leg we totally almost touched once) is lugging around a little Eddie Murphy in her midriff. Internet rumour has it the two lovers are very ugly, yet somehow consummated stuff anyway – consummated stuff enough to completely eff-up Mel's menstrual cycle if you know what we mean. We mean she's pregnant.
Well Mel B is probably pregnant anyway. Technically we have to take the word of a shop-keep for that to be true, as that's the person who heard it first hand. Mel B was recently shopping for something-or-other, and looked very lactate-y. The shop-keep didn't directly comment on Scary's milky appearance, we did. What the shop-keep did say was:
"Melanie Brown came in and was telling everybody she was four months gone. She said she suspects twins because they run in Eddie's family."
"Plus half-donkey babies are often born in litters, which further propagates the twins theory," the shop-keep probably would have tacked on had he thought of it before we did. In the store Mel is said to have purchased Eres Lingerie, for which she forked out $5,000. She also spent $300 on particularly breathtaking undershirts for her pet-comedian.
When pregnant Mel B was done shopping her raging hormones forced her across the street for two dozen Big Macs, and a thorough licking-clean of a McDonalds flurry machine. The whole McDonalds scenario here may not be so true, as we are our own source on it, and our inside sources on ourselves tell us not to trust us.
Let hecklerspray be the first to congratulate the glowing, and tattooed, pair on their fine life-creating accomplishment. There are few things hecklerspray takes a shine to more than two butt-nasty celebrities like Mel B and Eddie Murphy weeding each other out in that Hollywood garden, and making a baby who'll probably be on the sorry side of attractive.
Now if only Gilbert Gottfried and the severely decomposed corpse of Sam Kinison would get together already. Their kid would be a very loud half-zombie in a cheap beret.
[story by Shawn Lindseth]