At a mandatory hecklerspray retreat we all had to attend, have fun at or be fired, everybody woke up to a horrible fright.
It was Stu Heritage and Chris Laverty screaming in unison because they simultaneously dreamt that Madonna‘s wrinkled old lady hands were wrapping around their throats with the full intent of murder. Needless to say the lights stayed on the rest of the night, and that Holiday song was taken off of subliminal repeat.
Incidentally, their joined screams were rather beautiful together – would anybody have guessed that Stu is a tenor? Well he really is.
Sarah Palin may know what it’s like to lie awake nights with the constant fear of Madonna hobbling into her room like an old lady and whacking her with a cane until her collarbone breaks or something – because Madge has continued her onstage assault of her, recently announcing she’s going to kick the Governor’s ‘ass.’
If we were gonna pay to see a celebrity fight it would be one where Denise Richards had to fight a hungry anaconda. Richards would get num-chucks and trampolines to work with, and the snake would get a machete. It’d be a good match. We’d pay $20. Just something to think about Pay-Per-View – Act now while Richards is still unemployed.
Until that Hollywood fight-fantasy comes true, unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for Madonna physically assaulting America’s possible #2 in charge. As previously reported, Madonna has already banned Sarah Palin from her concerts, but now ol’ gap-tooth threatened to, you know. During a concert she said as much. Here’s some specifics from MTV.com:
“The pop icon, in the midst of her Sticky & Sweet Tour, continues to keep politics center stage, launching an impromptu campaign against the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, during shows in New York and New Jersey last week. Madonna first banned the governor from the tour. In between sets, she screamed, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party! Sarah Palin can’t come to my show!” As the week progressed, Madonna even threatened to “kick her ass.””
Big words from an adoptive mother with ugly hands, poor acting ability and who’s recently decided that marriage is for people who don’t want to boink everyone the world over.
Our words, not hers.
For the record, after she said she’s gonna beat up Palin for not moving or something, the singer said it’s “nothing personal, I love her soul.” Pretty weird, really. It gets weirder.
Half a verse into Like a Virgin Madonna stopped, raised her clutched hand to the rafters and said:
“This I swear – one day I shall make Sarah Palin’s down syndrome baby mine! I will raise it to a life of politics, and then finance it’s eventual run for presidency on the Democratic ballot. Only then will I rest. Only then will I find solace and reprieve!”
Well that is just the strangest thing we have ever heard Madonna say with her own lips that nobody made up especially not us. We wouldn’t lie like that – it’s not in our nature. It’s not usually in our nature. It’s in our nature but we didn’t lie this time.
Believe what you will.
Now please enjoy a video of Madonna influencing voters in a way that only 50 year old arm-flab can:
Mithaearon says
Why has the old bint got a guitar? she can’t play the damn thing?
Although to be fair to her the music in that clip is the best thing she has done since 1992. She should release it.
Snapper Winsten says
Stu is a tenor and Madonna is a raspy ol’ hag. Maybe they should do a duet.
stanstan says
Madonna annoys me! So self important!
She’s a pop star not a pollitical commentator!
This is the reason that the TRUE queen of pop is KYLIE MINOGUE!!
Because she can sing unlike this idiot!
Dermot Muncher says
I like madonnas hands,they remind me of stallones when he`s screwing his explosive arrows on in the plane in that scene from Rambo:first blood part 2.
Although, i feel sorry for guy ritchie!, i mean he had to shag that. I bet her thingy looks like a badly wrapped kebab.
Sarah says
pop music = bad
that being said, since when did madonna live in d.c.? i doubt they’ve even been in the same state as each other, much less the same street. even more confusing, why isn’t madonna still pretending to be english?
Julian Mentat says
What kind of fear would drive Madonna to shout childish, risible threats between songs, like Amy Winehouse but with good hair, good timekeeping, no excessive drug use, some brains… OK, forget it, I’ll find somebody else that she’s like and get back to you.
Anyway; what kind of fear?
Is it the nagging, nightmare-inducing fear that Sarah Palin could potentially become a more powerful female than Madonna?
J Bollocks says
“This I swear – one day I shall make Sarah Palin’s down syndrome baby mine!”
I’ve got a deaf, 20yr old Cattle Dog with stuffed hips she can have too.
J Bollocks says
Having analysed this is some little depth JM, you’re correct. Mad. is afraid of SPallin.
Pallin’s younger, better looking, has real children, only one husband and now is arguably more well known(?) And worst of all, she’s got a Downs Syndrome kid and you just can’t buy those, not even in Africa.
Fisty Cuffs says
Who’s Kylie Minogue??? Oh, right, she’s that British chick or something that is mainly known to the people on a tiny island. Oh, ha! Sorry :).
Julian Mentat says
Whaddaya mean, you can’t buy a Downs Syndrome kid?
I just paid a guy in Nigeria for a half-dozen! All negotiated by email!
Chris Laverty says
I still wake up screaming. When I sleep that is. Most of the time I just sit in the corner clutching a pair of safety scissors.
Les Paul says
ummm. Madonna even holding a guitar is an insult not only to guitar players, but even to people who ever once thought maybe someday they might like to think about playing the beginning of “Smoke on the Water”. Put the guitar down, you gap toothed hag, and play some more crappy music. When I was younger, I masturbated to the video for “Justify my Love”. Now I am a balding, middle aged, fattish man, and I would NOT even have sex with Madonna if she paid me. And I would have sex with almost anybody.