Dr. Frankenstein stole body parts and it caused an angry torch-wielding mob to descend on his cobwebby castle. The black market steals the occasional kidney and the world calls it 'illegal', 'horrific' and 'a pretty weird crime.'
But when Madonna goes out body-part bingeing, nobody bats an eyelid. Yes, Madonna has gone and pilfered the very hands of a twentysomething – a twentysomething whose only love in life was sign language and holding things. It took a very long time for police to understand just what it was Madonna had stolen from the girl, as pointing with a bandaged wrist-nub can be quite vague.
Really though, Madonna's hand theft was purely photographic and alleged. We know that's not as funny as picturing Madonna wearing bloodied goggles working a circular saw, but we swear it comes with a pretty good quote.
Madonna's getting up there in age. H&M, the Swedish company that's currently throwing money on Madonna, well they knew she was wilting but they hired her anyway. In their photoshoots though, unsightly withering will not be tolerated.
In the shots of Madonna wearing the H&M clothing line, her body looks fine, and her face looks fine when her mouth is closed, but her decaying hands must have caused a fuss. Some say they were severely photoshopped, others say they were substituted all together. Michelle Facey, a woman who knows a great deal about appendage recognition, said:
"Quite simply, these are someone else's hands. Madonna has always had quite veiny hands but there is not a line, wrinkle or vein in sight. While it is possible that they have been totally digitally re-touched – her natural skin colour being built up to effectively smooth down the veins – it is more likely that they actually belong to a woman in her twenties. If you look at the size of her fingers on the right hand compared with her thumb on the left, they are not on the same scale. Her right hand consists of huge, sausage-like fingers, far bigger than its usual size, and is totally out of proportion with the other. Alternatively, Madonna could have had hand fillers injected into the skin of her hands to give them a plumper, more youthful, appearance. But with ever-advanced digital technology, almost anything is possible nowadays, and anyone or any body part, can be made to look younger."
Poor veiny-handed Madonna. The blood coursing through her grabbers isn't being subtle at all. She's only pushing 50, but in a world dominated by such young songstresses as the voluptuous Britney Spea… Like Hillary Duf… er… like… Jessica 'man jaw' Sim… hmmm.
Actually, Madge'll probably be fine.
[story by Shawn Lindseth]