Jon Gosselin, this is your lucky day! From November 2, TLC will be removing you from Jon & Kate Plus 8 forever!
You got your wish! From November, Jon & Kate Plus 8 will be renamed Kate Plus 8 and you’ll be scrubbed from history forever. This is exactly what you wanted! No more cameras following you around all the time. No more media intrusion. No more European yacht parties. No more disproportionately sexy young girls who’ll have sex with you just because you’re on TV.
Oh Jon Gosselin, we envy you. Or we can’t wait for you to disappear from our lives forever. One or the other.
If you’ve been following Jon & Kate Plus 8 recently, then first we’d like to congratulate you on your steely reserve and strength of mind. Because, seriously, after about 12 minutes of it we were ready to kick our TV over, burn our house down and attack a box of kittens with hammers. So well done. Second, if you’ve been following Jon & Kate Plus 8, you’ll have realised that something had to give.
Because the whole Jon & Kate Plus 8 universe has been split into three. There’s the show’s world, which is all moonbeams and gumdrops and cupcakes. There’s Kate Gosselin’s world, which is all woeful haircuts and police arguments. And then there’s Jon Gosselin’s world, which is all graphic sex with servants in jacuzzis and, wait, hang on, we’ve just vomited down ourselves. Happens every time. When will we learn?
So if you were TLC, what would you do to stop this mess? That’s right, you’d cancel Jon & Kate Plus 8 immediately and never broadcast another episode again, wouldn’t you? Because you’re sensible enough to realise that Jon & Kate Plus 8 is awful in just about every respect and that its continued existence is obviously a sign that God hates humanity. TLC, on the other hand, decided to just get rid of Jon Gosselin and start again without him. The idiots. People reports:
In a stunning announcement, TLC said Tuesday morning that as of Nov. 2 Jon Gosselin would no longer appear on the popular reality series Jon & Kate Plus 8 ? and the program would undergo a name change, to simply Kate Plus 8. ?Given Jon?s recent antics, there was no way the show could continue to portray him as a doting Dad, not while all this other crap was going on,? a source [said].
This is truly excellent news for Jon Gosselin, because just a few weeks ago he said that he hated the attention that Jon & Kate Plus 8 brought and that all he wanted was a nine to five job. And now he can have one. And the good news is that we’re sure he’ll find such a willing procession of conspicuously young sexual partners when he’s selling bags of charcoal briquettes outside a 24-hour petrol station for a living.
And congratulations to Kate Gosselin, too. Now, if you can only ditch those awful children of yours and change the name of your show to Kate & Kate Plus Kate Equals KAAAAAAATE! and make it a 30-minute close-up of your unsmiling head with the words ‘OBEY KATE’ written across your forehead in permanent marker, then your dream will finally be complete.
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Vickie says
There is a dangerous trend in enriching women who want wealth and attention by packing in record numbers of embryos and selling the lives of the survivors for public consumption. America,you are indeed the land of opportunity. Too bad it is opportunistic use of children who have their lives exploited by unfit human “hermit crabs” who can turn them out in record numbers and collect their money. We don’t need to be holding child abuse up as entertainment.
nancy says
You, Sir, are hilarious. I love these Jon & Kate columns of yours. The ‘Obey Kate’ line made me laugh out loud. Now I’m looking forward to a spate of commenters telling you to stop being so mean to Kate. I enjoy those ones almost as much as the column itself.
Eugene says
They should have called it “Kate & Attorneys plus Eight”.