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Jon & Kate Plus 8 returns tonight, which is ace news if you like stilted conversation and scenes of infant anguish.
But what if people don’t watch it? What if people have become so sick of all the rubbish surrounding Jon & Kate Plus 8 – his alleged infidelities, her cold-faced shrillness, the kids’ awful faces and stupid voices – that they simply abandon the show? Relax – Jon Gosselin has got a plan to keep the viewers interested. He’s reportedly got another girlfriend.
Yes, another one. This is like Jon Gosselin’s fourth girlfriend in as many weeks. Now you’ll watch the show, right? No?
The more we see of Jon Gosselin, the more we’re convinced that he needs a woman like Kate Gosselin in his life. You know, an obnoxious, overbearing control freak who’s compulsively unable to say a single nice thing about the love of her life without lacing it with a fat dollop of barely-concealed malice. Because as awful as she is – and let’s not kid ourselves here, Kate Gosselin couldn’t be more awful if she was made out of earwax – at least she kept Jon Gosselin’s inner turd suppressed.
And that was probably quite difficult, because it’s coming clear that Jon Gosselin’s inner turd is monstrous. You only have to look at his behaviour following his split from Kate to see that. Given that Kate Gosselin has been photographed actually hitting her children, all Jon needed to do was keep up the mopey old underdog shtick that he’d perfected on Jon & Kate Plus 8 and the divorce would have easily gone his way.
But no. Instead Jon Gosselin larked around on a yacht in St Tropez with his wife’s plastic surgeon’s daughter while also apparently having some sort of relationship with another woman, so it looks like Kate Gosselin will take him for everything he’s got – which, incidentally, is thought to be four shapeless T-shirts and a half-eaten cupcake.
Still, Jon Gosselin’s got this far already, so why stop now? If you ask us, Jon Gosselin should just get a new girlfriend and let her spend a night at the house where his wife and children live. What? He’s done that already? That damn Jon Gosselin – he’s always one step ahead. RadarOnline reports:
Jon was reportedly out at a bar/restaurant Saturday night in Pennsylvania and seen with a twenty-something woman who appeared interested, very interested, in him. How interested? RadarOnline.com hears that she drove her Mercedes back to Jon’s house at 3 a.m. and stayed until 6 a.m.
What could this mystery woman have done for three hours in the Gosselin house? Well, we’ve seen a few episodes of Jon & Kate Plus 8 so we think we’ve got a decent idea – chances are it involved either baking, rollerskating, playhouse construction or dirty dirty sex. Maybe we’ll never know, but the smart money’s on baking.
But whatever happened, all we have to do now is wait for Kate Gosselin’s retaliation. And it had better be good – with all of Jon’s gallivanting lately, Kate needs to prove that she’s equally oblivious to the basic emotional needs of her children, or else she risks looking like a half-decent parent in comparison. Our advice to Kate? Leave a lot of knives lying around the house. Knives and acid.