Now you might look at that headline, with all its exclamation marks and arbitrary capitalisation, and detect a hint of sarcasm.

But you’re WRONG! This is NEWS! Kate Gosselin has changed her haircut, and it’s probably the most important thing on the entire planet. We’re not exaggerating. Here’s why – until now Kate Gosselin was primarily known for her old haircut; a bizarre mishmash of around 14 other equally horrific haircuts, including the Inverted Mullet, the Peacock Spike-Strip and the Bad Spider-Man Emo Swoop.

But Kate Gosselin’s new haircut means we can all just focus on her questionable parenting skills instead. Huzzah!

You can insult Kate Gosselin all you like, but you can’t say that the woman isn’t self-aware. Because Kate Gosselin’s skill for self-awareness is extraordinary – literally every time she reacts to anything, you can guarantee that the reaction has been processed, adapted and rehearsed until it’s both perfect and critic-proof.

Why, just look at everything that Kate Gosselin has had to endure in recent months. She’s split up with her husband. She’s been photographed hitting her children. She’s been filmed refusing to help her thirsty children while simultaneously swigging from a bottle of mineral water. She’s caused domestic scenes so ugly that police officers had to intervene. She’s been accused of emotional abuse. She’s been investigated for violating child labour laws. She’s been called fame hungry, money hungry and a shrewish, self-centred, awful control freak who exemplifies everything bad about humanity.

But Kate Gosselin has got the perfect reaction to all of that.

She’s got a new haircut.

No, wait, bear with us. Kate Gosselin getting a haircut is a step in the right direction, at least. It’s an acknowledgement that her last haircut wasn’t just an awful haircut, but that it was about 38 awful haircuts all bundled on top of each other, leaving her looking like Gok Wan’s annoyingly shrill half-stuffed scarecrow. So a new haircut – any new haircut – would be a step up for Kate Gosselin. So what does it look like? We’ve kept you in suspense for too long. Here’s Us Magazine with a description:

The 34-year-old mom of eight — whose asymmetrical hairdo has been widely buzzed about — showed off a wavy new look on her second day guest co-hosting ABC’s The View Tuesday. “Isn’t it cute?” she said… “The girls back there” did it, she said, referring to the ABC show’s hair stylists. “Ooh, baby!”

So basically it’s the same haircut as before, except just curly enough to make her look exactly like the sort of butch, constantly-drunk trailer park matriarch who goes around attacking strangers with a rolling pin. You know what’d set that haircut off nicely? A dirty great tattoo of an anchor on her forearm.

Still, according to our never-wrong Jon & Kate Plus 8 Reactomometer, Jon Gosselin now has 72 hours to parade around a TV show with his new haircut. We don’t know about you, but we think he’d look great with an ascending two-part Jheri Curl.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter