Jon Gosselin has had enough of all this media attention – we know this because he’s always on television complaining about it.
And he’s not done yet. Not by a long shot. You see, Jon Gosselin thinks that he’s coming off as the villain in his divorce, and he wants to put the world straight. He’s wrong, by the way, because a person can only come off as the villain in something if other people care about it, which they plainly don’t in this instance.
But anyway, Jon Gosselin says that Kate Gosselin ‘abused’ him in their marriage. So that’s something.
John and Kate Gosselin may have their differences – that’s been proved by all the freakishly bitter television interviews about how horrible the other one is and the embarrassingly petty police call-outs and the like – but they still have a lot in common, too. For instance, they have their planet-sized swarm of children to take care of. And their increasingly pointless TV show to make. And, more importantly, there’s the fact that they’re probably the two most awful people in the history of the universe and everyone wants them to disappear. And it’s these little things that they should cling onto.
Not that Jon and Kate Gosselin will disappear, though – they’ve got too much invested in being unilaterally dreadful. As soon as Jon & Kate Plus 8 goes off-air, Jon Gosselin will stop being able to have sex with girls who couldn’t be further out of his league if they had 15 diamond-plated rotating tits; and Kate Gosselin would need to get another job that suited her skill-set – like, say, keeper of the gates of Hell or something.
And that means that we’ll have to keep putting up with more nonsense like Jon Gosselin going on Good Morning America to whine relentlessly about how unhappy he is. Actually, we take that back – ‘whine’ was the wrong choice of word. What he did started off as a whine, then gradually got higher and higher in pitch – past the point of human tolerance – and ended up as a sort of sustained shrill howl that caused even the world’s most empathetic dogs to contemplate murder.
Here are our favourite highlights from the Jon Gosselin whine:
?I have a $22,000 therapy bill. I mean, I tried to have marriage counselling. I did it myself. She refused to go.?
?I don't trust her anymore. I was abused, I was beaten down . . . I'm not going back to that life style.?
?In 10 years, I've never gone out. When she said, ?I don't want you going out,? I used to say, ?OK, I'm not going to go out.? I was very passive. This is the first time I said, ?You know what? I want to see my friends. I'm going out.? That was the first time in my life I ever stood up to Kate.?
Obviously the most depressing thing about all of this is that it’ll prompt a counter-whine from Kate Gosselin, and this whole tedious car-crash will keep trundling on. But it needn’t. Read what Jon Gosselin said again. It’s obvious that he’s still in love with Kate. Because not once did he ever mock her haircut. And that would have been our first target, frankly.
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