When a generously-chested softcore pornography model mysteriously dies five months after her son, leaving a millionaire infant daughter of confused parentage behind, things move fast – especially when that softcore pornography model is Anna Nicole Smith.
As such, roughly a billion new things have emerged surrounding the death of Anna Nicole Smith since the last time we wrote anything about it – like the release of the Anna Nicole Smith 911 tape and the emergence of pictures of Anna Nicole Smith larking around in bed with the immigration official who let her stay in the Bahamas. But the biggest Anna Nicole Smith-related thing to have happened lately is this: a Bahamian judge has banned potential Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy Howard K Stern from leaving the Bahamas with baby Dannielynn at the behest of Anna Nicole Smith's mother, just in case he does anything weird to it. Or something.
Since Anna Nicole Smith's death has literally been the only thing that's happened to anybody in the whole wide world lately, you probably need some kind of update to keep you up to speed – so here it is. Anna Nicole Smith – the almost-dead oil billionaire-marrying porno model – gave birth to a baby girl a few days before her 20-year-old son died of a drugs overdose. The father of the baby was named as Howard K Stern, Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer, although Larry Birkhead also claimed the baby was his and started to chase a DNA paternity test. Then Anna Nicole Smith died and some people were sad, and that's more or less where we are, give or take everyone claiming to be Dannielynn's father now.
And if that seems confused, what's happened lately muddles things even further. For one, Anna Nicole Smith was reportedly pictured in bed with the immigration official who let her live in the Bahamas – which raises questions about the validity of her residential status as well as her purported relationship with Howard K Stern. Secondly, Anna Nicole Smith's 911 tapes have been released, and they're just about as grim as you'd imagine the final moments of a woman's life being calmly discussed by two professionals to be.
Thirdly – and most importantly – Howard K Stern has been banned from leaving the Bahamas with Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn after the baby's grandmother won an injunction against him, as the New York Daily News reports:
After frantic pleas by Anna Nicole Smith's mother, a Bahamian judge yesterday slapped Howard K. Stern with a court order preventing him from whisking the late centerfold's baby out of the Caribbean country. Smith's mom, Virgie Arthur, begged the court to take action, saying she fears for the safety of her 5-month-old granddaughter as long as baby Dannielynn remains with Stern… Arthur declined further comment, but her friend David Lee explained that she blames Stern for the deaths of her daughter and grandson, Daniel Smith. "There's two common denominators in the deaths of her daughter and her grandchild – drugs and Howard K. Stern," Lee said.
What's more, the level of pettiness and confusion surrounding Anna Nicole Smith's death is bound to last until at least next Tuesday – the date of Larry Birkhead's paternity hearing. Hopefully then everything will be fixed and we'll know once and for all if Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer is Dannielynn's dad. Or if Anna Nicole Smith's ex-boyfriend is Dannielynn's dad. Or if Anna Nicole Smith's dead for 12 years wheelchair-bound billionaire husband is Dannielynn's Dad. Or if some old impotent German who's got something to do with Zsa Zsa Gabor is Dannielynn's Dad. Or whatever.
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Mr fucking Einstein says
I’m resigning myself to the fact that we’re never going to hear the arsing end of this…