Logic dictates that the easiest way to make Heather Mills cry is to either stab her in the arm with a wineglass or repeatedly call her a gold digger, but not any more – now the easiest way to make Heather Mills cry is to say she isn't a gold digger.
In a radio interview with Ryan Seacrest yesterday morning a caller told Heather Mills that she probably wasn't a gold digger, and Heather Mills responded by breaking down and weeping. That means that either a) Heather Mills is relieved about slowly winning the public over on Dancing With The Stars and her tears were tears of gratitude, or b) Heather Mills was genuinely upset that someone didn't think she was a gold digger after all her epic efforts to look like one in front of everybody. And who can really say which one is correct.
The world is split into two groups – those who suspect that Heather Mills is a bit of a gold digger, and those who suspect that Heather Mills isn't a bit of a gold digger. Until recently, those groups consisted of everyone in the world except for Heather Mills piled into the former category, leaving Heather Mills all alone in the latter despite Heather's constantly bleating about not being a gold digger.
And there are ways to see both sides of the argument. For example, after Paul McCartney split up with Heather Mills it was reported that Heather Mills was gold digging by demanding £10,000 from Paul McCartney every day as part of her divorce settlement. On the other hand, though, a growing number of people are claiming that Heather Mills can't possibly be a gold digger because she did a backflip on a gameshow recently.
One such person is Pat, a caller to Ryan Seacrest's Kiis radio show in Los Angeles. Yesterday Heather Mills was Ryan's guest and all was going fine. Until Pat called up and said this:
"I'm ashamed that I had a judgment against her based on everything that you read in the newspapers that she was after his money, and come on everyone was down on Heather Mills. But she has won me over and I can admit it, that I had formed a bad opinion about her – I am embarrassed, actually. I would love to apologise to her and America should apologise – people should apologise to her. She was wrongfully treated."
At which point Heather Mills broke down in tears, lost the power of speech for several moments and then pulled herself together enough to say:
"That makes me so emotional. That's great. You've got me going now, sorry… You clear 21 million square metres of landmine-filled land, you fit 40,000 people with limbs and then they go on to vilify you. You do two-and-a-half to three dances and suddenly you're amazing. It's crazy really."
So that's it – Heather Mills now officially isn't a gold digger because a woman saw her do a dance on the telly once. Perhaps if Saddam Hussein had appeared on America's Got Talent he'd have avoided that nasty hanging incident, too. Not that we're comparing Heather Mills and Saddam Hussein, obviously. Saddam Hussein never covered his boobs in whipped cream for a German sex book, for a start.
Call us old-fashioned, but wouldn't the staggeringly obvious way for Heather Mills to prove to the world that she isn't a gold digger just be for her to stop trying to get a gigantic divorce settlement from Paul McCartney? Paul McCartney is a wealthy man, so – even without the huge settlement – we're sure he'd look after Heather Mills well enough for her to safely store her mink coat and go to as many pig-pointing meetings as she likes.
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Liz M. says
I truly believe that Ms. Mills is definately a narcissistic, blood-sucking gold digger. She has absolutely no talent and can no longer ride on Sir Paul”s coat tails. I find it enormously entertaining to think that someone of Mills’ caliber could ever believe that she is a celebrity at all!!
The best thing Sir Paul did was to realize what Mills is all about. She will drag this out forever as she has trapped Sir Paul by getting pregnant with and having his child. My heart goes out to the true McCartney children who were created out of true love and parents (Linda and Paul) who were/are devoted to a real family from the get go.
Heather Mills needs to give it up and get on with her trashy life!!!
James Johanson says
This is the exact reason why she is on the show to con people like Pat and to confuse America with her dancing prowess. She obviously does not get sympathy in the UK, but in the land were Clinton became president because he could play the saxaphone, she thought that America was an easy target. Go ahead and vote for her, but know full well who she really is (I am trusting deep down you really do know despite her attemps to hide it) and if you do not know do some research, stop falling for the superficial glitz of pop culture. To all those media agents out there: Stop sending the US the rejects of the world, America is not that stupid! Or mabye they are? We will see at the end of that dancing show if America is a simple patsy or not. And if she succeeds, get ready for the firestorm of world losers to grace America’s airwavs.
roger webrook says
Who is Heather Mills and why is she digging for gold?
Shiver says
I’d like to interject, James Johanson, that Americans as a whole should not be judged as “a simply patsy or not” based on the results of Dancing with the Stars. not all of us watch it, you know. For the record, I’m not a fan of Mills. I’m not not a fan of Mills. I simply don’t give a steaming heap about Mills.
On a completely unrelated note:
“Saddam Hussein never covered his boobs in whipped cream for a German sex book, for a start.” That you know of.
It’s my thing today, ok?
Elizabeth says
“two-and-a-half to three dances”? So everybody changed their opinion about her during the second half of her third dance?
Adam Gade says
You guys are never going to let Mills, or anyone for that matter, forget about that whip cream boobs and jellied penis incident are you? Ha ha, it never gets old.
James Johanson says
Shiver, I obviously was not talking about you then, I am sorry for the confusion.