Logic dictates that the easiest way to make Heather Mills cry is to either stab her in the arm with a wineglass or repeatedly call her a gold digger, but not any more – now the easiest way to make Heather Mills cry is to say she isn't a gold digger.
In a radio interview with Ryan Seacrest yesterday morning a caller told Heather Mills that she probably wasn't a gold digger, and Heather Mills responded by breaking down and weeping. That means that either a) Heather Mills is relieved about slowly winning the public over on Dancing With The Stars and her tears were tears of gratitude, or b) Heather Mills was genuinely upset that someone didn't think she was a gold digger after all her epic efforts to look like one in front of everybody. And who can really say which one is correct.
The world is split into two groups – those who suspect that Heather Mills is a bit of a gold digger, and those who suspect that Heather Mills isn't a bit of a gold digger. Until recently, those groups consisted of everyone in the world except for Heather Mills piled into the former category, leaving Heather Mills all alone in the latter despite Heather's constantly bleating about not being a gold digger.
And there are ways to see both sides of the argument. For example, after Paul McCartney split up with Heather Mills it was reported that Heather Mills was gold digging by demanding £10,000 from Paul McCartney every day as part of her divorce settlement. On the other hand, though, a growing number of people are claiming that Heather Mills can't possibly be a gold digger because she did a backflip on a gameshow recently.
One such person is Pat, a caller to Ryan Seacrest's Kiis radio show in Los Angeles. Yesterday Heather Mills was Ryan's guest and all was going fine. Until Pat called up and said this:
"I'm ashamed that I had a judgment against her based on everything that you read in the newspapers that she was after his money, and come on everyone was down on Heather Mills. But she has won me over and I can admit it, that I had formed a bad opinion about her – I am embarrassed, actually. I would love to apologise to her and America should apologise – people should apologise to her. She was wrongfully treated."
At which point Heather Mills broke down in tears, lost the power of speech for several moments and then pulled herself together enough to say:
"That makes me so emotional. That's great. You've got me going now, sorry… You clear 21 million square metres of landmine-filled land, you fit 40,000 people with limbs and then they go on to vilify you. You do two-and-a-half to three dances and suddenly you're amazing. It's crazy really."
So that's it – Heather Mills now officially isn't a gold digger because a woman saw her do a dance on the telly once. Perhaps if Saddam Hussein had appeared on America's Got Talent he'd have avoided that nasty hanging incident, too. Not that we're comparing Heather Mills and Saddam Hussein, obviously. Saddam Hussein never covered his boobs in whipped cream for a German sex book, for a start.
Call us old-fashioned, but wouldn't the staggeringly obvious way for Heather Mills to prove to the world that she isn't a gold digger just be for her to stop trying to get a gigantic divorce settlement from Paul McCartney? Paul McCartney is a wealthy man, so – even without the huge settlement – we're sure he'd look after Heather Mills well enough for her to safely store her mink coat and go to as many pig-pointing meetings as she likes.