By now the whole world has seen the clip of David Hasselhoff too drunk to wear clothes, eat food or talk properly – and now that David Hasselhoff has been granted sole custody of his kids, the whole world is reacting in pretty much the same way.
That way, in case you needed it spelling out for you is as follows: "David Hasselhoff has got sole custody of his kids? After one of his daughters became so distraught at David Hasselhoff constantly drinking himself into oblivion that she filmed him drunk while warning him that he'd get the sack if he ever turned up to work drunk again? While David Hasselhoff was sprawled on the floor topless and unable to even eat a burger properly? What in God's name must the mother be like for this to happen?"
Still, it's good to see that David Hasselhoff didn't celebrate his custody win by going out and getting hammered on booz… oh wait, our mistake.
If hecklerspray ever gets married and has children only for the marriage to go sour afterwards, we're going to get it written into our pre-nup that the kids will get shipped abroad for a life of back-breaking slavery rather than having to see their parents squabble over custody. It's the fairest thing – sure, the children will be forced to drag wooden pallets of bricks up a South American mountain on a daily basis for the rest of their lives, but at least they'll never hear Daddy calling them rude little pigs down the telephone. Nor will they have to put up with any of the genuinely weird crap that's been going on with David Hasselhoff and his ex-wife Pamela Bach.
Depending on who you believe, David Hasselhoff is either the Princess Diana nearly-shagger who's planning a musical based on his own life or he's a wife-beating drunkard who wets himself in airports, starts fights with security guards at tennis competitions, falsely accuses his daughters of attempting suicide and routinely gets so drunk that he can't eat a burger off the floor properly.
In the wake of the drunk David Hasselhoff video, Hasselhoff was first banned from seeing his kids, then given joint custody of his kids and now he's got sole custody of his children. On Friday a judge awarded sole custody of teenage daughters Taylor Ann and Hayley to David Hasselhoff, who apparently promptly decided to celebrate by getting shitfaced on booze. The Sun reports:
BOOZY DAVID HASSELHOFF celebrated winning custody of his two daughters — by getting completely plastered. The ex-Baywatch star, 54, was seen swigging from a bottle of vodka, bumping into tables and canoodling with a mystery blonde… A source at the club said: “David started getting out of control so his friends asked the bartender not to serve him. David became indignant and said, ‘F*** you. I’m a grown man – you’re not gonna stop me from doing anything’. He walked up to one table after another and asked for drinks. He was staggering around and knocking things over.”
Remember that David Hasselhoff has got sole custody of the girls, which must mean that he's the more responsible parent – so who knows what Pamela Bach must be like around her children. Short of Pamela regularly acting like this it's hard to imagine what'd make a judge give sole custody of anything to David Hasselhoff given his alcohol problems. But Pamela Bach isn't taking this lying down – she's just fired her lawyer Debra Opri because of the court decision, marking Opri's second high-profile sacking in a few weeks after Larry Birkhead dismissed her.
So who knows if David Hasselhoff will be able to maintain sole custody of his children, or if Pamela Bach will be able to convince the judge to reconsider. Maybe Hasselhoff's children will be taken away from the couple for good and placed in a more stable environment like, say, a cage full of angry bears.
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