Anything good that has ever been, we owe to David Hasselhoff. From the first whiff of springtime flora to the timely end of the Irish potato famine – all of it comes from the strength and fortitude of one David Hasselhoff. Albeit in a very indirect and round about way in most cases, but just the same, the Hoff is awesome!
The weight of true awesomeness is not lightly earned. Yes, he makes it look easy enough, but Hasselhoff only earned his crown after years of saving people with his robot car, saving people with his waxy surf board, and saving people by never actually hitting his wife whose probably a lying, despicable minx.
We, the world constantly swirling around David's every fancy, are more blessed than previously dreamed. Hasselhoff, you see, has recently penned The David Hasselhoff Musical.
You know, Germany ain't got much. They've got rolling green hills, a long list of countries still needing an apology, and music. Yes, music. Germany, after all is the country where Hasselhoff's tune Looking For Freedom reached #1 way back in 1989.
Given Germany's long time musical infatuation with Hoffy, were they ahead of the curve? hecklerspray's not sure, but we'll be corn-swaggled if we're not about to find out. David Hasselhoff has just written The David Hasselhoff Musical, a stage bound vehicle starring – who else – David Hasselhoff. At this point the major plot points are unclear, but they may include a messy divorce, alcohol-induced blackouts, and never forcing party guests to touch his stomach.
About his new musical, Hasselhoff said:
"I've already arranged and written it with the guys who did Chicago. I love musical theatre. That's what I started off to do when I was 7 and my first show was Peter Pan. I loved doing Jekyll & Hyde. I loved Billy Flynn in London. I love the audience. I love the fun of a live show."
Us too, David, us too. If you could, though, try to use dope rhymes. And none of this A-B A-B crap, let's spice it up a bit! Bring the pentameter! Bring the quantitative meter and the accentual-syllabic verse! Also, talk about how well off you are financially, and get diamond studded orthodontics. Germany's one thing, but if you want to crack the rest of America, you gotta follow the basic recipe. It's proven, you know.
[story by Shawn Lindseth]