If you're anything like us, the prospect of Foxy Brown a) having a baby and b) raising it in jail has left you having nightmares about feral child-beasts who chew through your Achilles tendon then stab you with a razor-sharp crayola.
But don't worry, because that news is all fantasy. Don't get us wrong, Foxy Brown is still going to jail for a year because she's the angriest woman of restricted growth in the whole wide world – she just isn't going to have a baby. Even though Foxy Brown told everyone she was pregnant not so long ago, all of a sudden she isn't. We're not sure of what happened to Foxy Brown's baby, but we've narrowed the options down to the following: 1) there was a tragic accident and Foxy Brown lost the baby, 2) Foxy Brown was never pregnant in the first place or 3) in a fit of hormonal rage, Foxy Brown reached up inside herself, tore the unborn foetus out of her ovary womb (whatever) and ate it. In front of a group of some nuns. And one nun was so shocked that her glasses fell off her nose and landed in her tea.
Let this be a lesson to you, girls – if you're ever convicted of a terrible crime, don't think you can avoid jail just by getting some bloke to knock you up. It didn't work for Nicole Richie, who announced she was pregnant right before her harrowing 82-minute jail sentence, and it certainly hasn't worked for Foxy Brown. Even though Foxy Brown isn't pregnant. We feel we should explain.
Foxy Brown, the female rapper who hasn't released an album in six years, could be seen by some to be a dangerously violent lunatic thanks to the way that she's recently been in court for attacking nail salon workers and demolishing a beauty store and burying her BlackBerry into her neighbour's face. And because the last two of these meant that Foxy Brown violated the probation she received from the first one, there was only one thing the court could do – Foxy Brown was sentenced to a year in jail.
However, Foxy Brown said she was three months pregnant last month, which meant that she'd have to give birth to her child five months into the sentence, possibly with the help of other inmates wielding makeshift forceps made out of melted toothbrushes and pantyliners. But that isn't going to happen now, because nobody ever said Foxy Brown was pregnant in the first place, duh. The New York Post reports:
The delinquent diva's manager said yesterday said that she is not with child – despite her lawyer saying she was… In August, her lawyer, state Sen. John Sampson, told the court that Brown was three-months pregnant. But her manager, Chaz Williams, said in a statement yesterday: "And to the pregnancy rumors, this is the official statement: She is not pregnant." Williams later said in a phone interview that he would not comment on whether or not Foxy had lost the baby or was never pregnant in the first place. He did emphasize that Brown herself never said in court that she was pregnant.
Although we can't help suspecting that Foxy Brown made the whole pregnancy thing up to get the judge to be lenient with her jail sentence, we can't rule out the possibility that Foxy Brown really was pregnant and lost the baby – perhaps by boiling it alive with the power of her almighty temper. Of course, if Foxy Brown really did lose her baby it wouldn't be funny at all; we heard that you can trade a baby for an second-generation iPod in jail, and that's one trade that Foxy Brown will have to do without now.
Read more:
mo-NEEK-a says
“tore the unborn foetus out of her ovary”?????? Fact checker, please!!!
Adam Gade says
So if she’s the angriest, what does that make Lily Allen the _____-est woman of restricted growth in the whole world? The unhappiest? The Ewokiest?
Maya says
Uhm excuse yu!
Foxy isz abt one of tha qreatest female
Rappersz of all time yu shud respect ha
Nd all that shesz accomplished nd be
Happy for her success nah bash her
Lyke dat lyke seriously yu cud qet sued
For posting false assumptions on the
Internet!
So qrow up nd qet a life bumb ass
Hater