You have to hand it to Foxy Brown. We mean, really, you have to hand it to Foxy Brown or else she'll only get angry and attack you in the face with the closest blunt instrument she can find – which is becoming a bit of a habit.
Everyone's favourite inexplicably angry rapping female midget Foxy Brown has only gone and got in trouble with the law again. However, this time you'll be please to hear that the subject on the receiving end of Foxy Brown's monumental rage wasn't a bewildered service industry worker. Oh no – this time Foxy Brown has raised her game. This time Foxy Brown has decided to start attacking her neighbours. With Blackberries. In the face. Until she's charged with assault. However, once again, there's a good chance that Foxy Brown will avoid prison for this latest outburst. But it isn't preferential treatment keeping Foxy Brown out of the slammer – it's because no Earth prison cell can contain her any longer.
The world would be a much duller place if it didn't have Foxy Brown in it. Wait, did we say duller? We meant safer. We, for one, are so terrified of meeting Foxy Brown by chance and ending up with six broken ribs and knees that bend in 12 directions that we've actually spent the last year cowering inside a Big Yellow self storage box located in cave three miles under the sea. Because Foxy Brown is that dangerous, people.
In the past Foxy Brown has rolled up to court after kicking and punching a bunch of manicurists over a $20 bill where she pleaded guilty then changed her mind and avoided jail anyway, and then again after she went mental in another shop until a policeman had to rugby-tackle her and she avoided jail anyway. Then, just for a change, Foxy Brown decided to get beaten up and robbed by what appears to be a gang of prostitutes sent forward by Foxy Brown's furious pimp ex-boyfriend. Naturally, even though arrests were made, Foxy Brown denied any of it happened.
And now Foxy Brown's at it again, although this time it looks like Foxy Brown's been reading the Big Book Of How I Mash People Up by Naomi Campbell, because she's handed herself in for assaulting her neighbour's face with a Blackberry. People reports:
Rapper Foxy Brown turned herself in Tuesday to face charges that she hit her Brooklyn neighbor with her Blackberry cell phone last month, ABC News is reporting. The 27-year-old was charged with felony assault, menacing, harassment and criminal possession of a weapon, according to reports… The New York Police Department says the trouble-prone rapper, who is on probation, was accused of hitting her 25-year-old neighbor during an argument on July 30. The victim filed a complaint with the police after reportedly receiving treatment for loose teeth, a swollen lip and swelling of her right eye.
Loose teeth, a swollen lip and swelling of her right eye? Talk about coming off lightly – that's not a Foxy Brown assault. A Foxy Brown assault ends when you can't touch your spine because Foxy Brown has torn it out and thrown it in the river – Foxy Brown has literally done more damage to people just by looking at them in the past. Surely, though, after such a short, sharp burst of violent offences, Foxy Brown knows that she'll most likely face a jail sentence now. However, that would be a terrific waste of her resources. Wouldn't the planet benefit more if, instead of locking Foxy Brown up, someone just connected her to a turbine and made her really angry? After all, we read that enough power is generated during a Foxy Brown spaz attack to power three small towns for a month.
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Geo. says
Isn’t it obvious people? There should be some rigid control over Blackberries and people that carry them. Do you realize how much damage the juice from one Blackberry can cause? The horrible Stains that can ensue? And – don’t get me started about the Thorns! …
Oh wait — you seem to be reporting about those stoopid pervasive electronic devices that everyone who is anyone carries with them. I see this story suddenly snap into brilliant focus. At any rate — those naughty electronics devices should be tightly controlled. There must be a 2 week waiting period! There is no real reason for a civilian to carry a Blackberry/Cell Phone with more than a 1 Megabyte memory in them. No large-calibre blackberries allowed. What we need is a strategy for Blackberry Control in the world.
Oh and Foxy Brown needs to spend 3 days in the newly-named, Paris Hilton Country-Club Detention Centre (PHCCDC).