Not long from now Foxy Brown will rise to power in the US prison system, controlling an entire army of sharp-spoon wielding orange jumpsuits. All rival gangs will melt away before her might, her face will likely be printed on cigarette-pack money, and she'll soon know the warm embrace of the butchiest lesbian in the place.
Because Foxy Brown is going to prison. The law finally caught up to her. She violated her probation by something something something, and the judge refuses to blah blah blah. She's been sentenced for a full year, and is thought to be anticipating her term only slightly more than those child-baring stirrups that have been staring her down recently.
Brown, always a planner, likely has a complex system already in place in which dope rhymes shall be smuggled to her inside of pies and rubber stomach-balloons. And it's a good thing, that – because magical whimsical albums don't always wait around to be recorded.
Performing midget Foxy Brown must be furious about her newly sentenced year-long prison stint. She'd be far more furious than most because she hates getting mishandled by police-type figures so much. When she gets shook-down by blue uniforms she'd probably like nothing more than to defend herself with manicuring supplies and precisely placed cell phone slaps.
The judge that sentenced her, well he really stuck it to her:
"I'm not going to give you any more chances. I hope you turn your life around and never again have to stand in a court of law."
At which point Brown turned deaf again and was all:
"Come again your honour?"
Of course everybody in the courtroom laughed and smiled as Brown's knack for lightening the mood shined through again, but in the end the sentence wasn't changed. She still got a year. The most memorable sentence that judge ever handed out, we heard.
Actually that last quote wasn't true. Although at times Brown does turn herself deaf, this wasn't one of them. You see, she's generally considered pretty mean – very strange for such a wee black leprechaun. How can you be so angry when everyone you see looks down at you and smiles. Nice smiles too – the real genuine kind.
Brown took a crack at softening up the judge:
"I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to change. I realise that's not where I want to be. It's humbled me in ways I never imagined."
Although Brown's statement didn't even rhyme at all, it was so sweet. But the judge didn't care:
"Ms. Marchand, it's too little, too late. I'm glad you're learning something; that's a positive."
And then he sent her to prison. And her baby too. That's the one who really deserves it. How dare that thing grow inside her! Seriously, by the time she's halfway through with the sentence her boob-belly cluster will look like something out of a Schwarzenegger film.
And we don't mean Kindergarten Cop.
Read More:
Rapper Is Contrite, But Still Gets Year In Jail – New York Times