Chris Brown is about to face the fight of his life – which isn’t hard because he usually just fights girls.
And they’re easy to beat. But we digress. This time, Chris Brown is fighting for his reputation. Now he’s pleaded guilty to attacking Rihanna, Chris Brown doesn’t want to be known as the violent woman-hating brute with the stupid teeth any more – he wants to be known as the wimpily generic R&B star with the stupid teeth again.
So Chris Brown has taken the sensible option – he’s begged his fans for forgiveness on YouTube. While dressed as a Chinese waiter.
Chris Brown is a little bit like the boy who cried wolf. He’s not completely like the boy who cried wolf – because in Aesop’s fable the boy didn’t beat the wolf to a quivering pulp in a Lamborghini because it looked at one of his text messages – but Chris Brown does change his story so often that it’s hard to know when he’s telling the truth.
Directly after he was arrested for bludgeoning Rihanna with his ridiculous gravestone teeth, Chris Brown apologised to everyone for it. Then he said that he only did it out of self-defence. Then he said that he didn’t do it. Then he said that he wasn’t a monster and sort of blamed the media for saying that he did it. Then he said that he did it. Short of blaming the attack on a werewolf, or suggesting that Rihanna choked herself unconscious and bit her own ear out of guilt for being such a blasted whore, Chris Brown literally tried every single angle available to him.
And now, since it’s hard to deny something that you’ve already pleaded guilty to in court, Chris Brown is trying a new angle. It’s basically the same as his first ‘apologise relentlessly’ angle, but he’s doing it in person on the internet. And, for reasons known only to himself, he’s decided to dress up like an inmate in a weird Guantanamo Bay-style terrorist holding facility that only exists in the mind of Jean-Paul Gaultier to do it. Look…
Poor Chris Brown. Damn those attorneys for not letting him speak out and apologise for all of this earlier. Damn those bloody attorneys who Chris Brown explicitly employed and paid for with his own money for the sole job of keeping him out of jail however they could. They’re keeping Chris Brown in chains. In CHAINS!
Oh we’re just kidding. It’s fairly clear that Chris Brown’s apology is sincere here – he’s doing that thing that only genuinely sincere people do, where their eyes move left and right in time with what they’re saying and sometimes they concentrate really hard as if they’re reading a statement that was prepared for them by somebody else from an autocue. They’re not reading anything from an autocue, though. They’re just being very sincere.
Now comes the big test for Chris Brown, though. Will people start buying Chris Brown’s records again because he dressed up like a flamboyant masseuse and said sorry for a couple of minutes? Let’s hope so. After all, everyone deserves a second chance in life.
Especially those who, like Chris Brown, are bound to spend an entire week desperately blubbing for forgiveness on the set of Oprah like an unbearable bloody wet-mouthed bellend unless we all immediately start buying their records again right away. We really can’t stress that enough.
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Lara says
Hahaha! Stewart Heritage, you should get your own TV show. I laughed outloud. A real life ‘lol’. A genuine, non-shifty-eyed LOL.
HaHa!! says
Hey he got by without too much happening the 1st time…..just wait till he works on his right hook some more and see the damage he can do then!
Just like a whiney lil 2 year old….if that.
Here’s hoping he ends up quietly fading away; but I’m sure now a stint in rehab will make for a comeback tour in no time!.
haters says
I hate you and your racist ass website. Your a hater with nothing better to do than put your rabit 2 cent wack ass comments on stories and celebrities that would spit in your face if they saw your ugly ass in person. Eat a dick and get a life. R U man enough to issue an apology on youtube for the world and assholes like you to rip apart? You scum sucking lowlife-you probably arent man enough to say excuse me if you bump into some lady a the grocery store. Loser!
Bobby James says
Awww. You didn’t have “Belleeey Dat!” anywhere in the article.
Karla says
LOL @ Chinese waiter! hahaha
mst3kster says
haters, do you also punch women or are you only a thug when you’re hiding behind your monitor?
Joke Police says
I just watched this video, and man, that Chris Brown is full of sh7t. He said what he did was 100% unacceptable. But what about how Rhianna threw his phone out a window? That harlot deserved it. Keep it real brother.
Shooty* says
Belleeey dat!
“Rabit”? WTF?
Kaylee. says
I like your inarticulate comment, homes. Particularly the “Are you man enough to issue an apology already written for you by your protective and desperate record company then upload it onto YouTube where you’ll never check the comments and don’t really care because you’ve pretty much just covered your back?”
I thought that was a valid point.
NORMA says
anyone who doesnt beleive chris can go to hell!!!!!!!! hes beeing a MAN saying hes sorry on public television wut man would have the balls to actually apalogize for hitting someone and rihnna deserves it his cell phone is his property they aint married for her to think she cn just go and look at his stuff so i would be pissedc if my bf or gf threw my cell phone out of a window i would probably punch them in the face too so all u chris brown haters can go to hell beccause his true fans like me will be by his side no matter what
REDPOOH says
THAT DOES NOT HAV ANY THING TO DO WIT THIS CHINESE WAITER
Sarah says
That apology is more contrived than my ex’s. Well done, attorney.
Shellyta says
Why did you keep making fun of his teeth? What does that have to do with anything? On a whole, I think this article was rude. About the apology,despite the fact that it was rehearsed, I believed it. The truth is, he claimed that he apologized Rihanna already. That apology was simply for the fans and public who aren’t in his personal life. I can’t believe we are still going on about this. The incident as a whole is between Chris and Rihanna. Was what he did wrong? Yeah. But you have to also remember, she apparently put her hands on him as well. With the feistiness she presents on stage, then there’s no telling what happened in that car. What actually ‘jumpstarted’ the fight. It must’ve been something really bad to make all of this happen, from what it seemed Chris Brown was a genuinely good person. The point is, no one is perfect, and all we can do is hope that he LEARNS from all that has happened. If you are without fault, then simply cast a stone.
Chris says
haha, Haters you are such a twisted race-card waving retard it’s hilarious.
cblover says
1st of all who ever wrote dis article needs 2 learn how 2 spelland needs not 2 com @ ma man like that